2025-02-15 08:34:20 AM
I don't believe I ever fantasized about writing a song with lyrics in it (the soundbyte with Spencer was just a joke). Playing bass, piano and singing, absolutely! It's amazing I'm still alive and finally got to a place in life where I'm doing this. I feel pressure to combine my lyrics, melodies and chords, but pressure isn't desire. It would be nice to sing and play my own stuff, but really, I just want to be celebrated and paid for what I have already done. So I can continue food/clothing/shelter so I can grow artistically how I want to. And nothing much has changed on a lot of levels with what I do for work.
2025-02-15 08:01:29 AM
I'm analyzing the concept of apologies this morning. I'm coming up in this moment with three main reasons/situations:
1. You intentionally lied to someone (for whatever reasons).
2. You made a mistake, likely that caused some harm/damage.
3. Empathy.
Sam scolded me many, many years ago for not appologizing for something. He even got fairly mad and said "What do you do when you applogize to someone?" I didn't have an answer being put on the spot like that, so he answered with "You say that you are sorry." And my response to that was, well, OK.
Several elements in my environment in the last two days are bringing this up. And the #1 concept of saying sorry because you have lied to someone is the big revelation this morning. It's about intent. I believe, like 99.99% that I have never lied intentionally to someone and I believe 99% that many, if not all of my friends have been lying to me. I'm simply rigorusouly honest like that.
Which I suppose brings up AA and drug addiction. The concept of being honest with yourself. I take drug addiction seriously. I am taking medications and I have essentially been forced to take medications before. As well as intoxicating drugs and beverages. If I had to live my life again, I would absolutely be doing drugs because, wow! It is part of the life experience and even human experience if you desire to leave animals out of that. I wouldn't want to have life without knowing what that is like.
So, like any rational engineer, I keep monitoring my motives and chemistry as best I can. So this lying thing to me is not about chemecals like that.
I don't care too much if my "friends" apologize to me. I do feel I need that to rekindle any friendships with them (really anyone I have ever known/worked with). Mostly, I need income. Book sales or a software creation job. I'm a non-asexual being, so I desire relationships too. I am transgender and will hang onto that, with or without medication. My perceived career has been intense and some mistakes I've made, do fall into the #2 apology bracket. I'm not so into apologies on the whole. More about lead by example, doing inventory (stuff like this), and trying to do better today. LIke the Lee Strasberg thing "We never had any fun after that. I never had the chance to apologize." It seemed to have an effect on him. All this stuff, including people losing arms and legs, seems to be part of my career, so, you know, if you have interacted with me, please know that apology or not, this seems to be a big world event. And I'm doing my best here. I don't particulary want to be out int he cold with an eviction, or have my limbs torn off, but, well, this does seem to be a very sserious business and I'm doing my best today.
....I'll go ahead and write about this personal stuff here too, because it does feel like songs have been written about this before I was born. The idea of me, Michelle and Weavile being a family back at the old house. There is some good vibes around that idea. I'm not masculine for that to be overly traditional. The idea of Michelle and I being "the women of the house" is my idea about it. And us like sharing a boyfriend once in a while or however that would work. That could be cool. I don't know what she wants, but I do like that idea. I don't like the idea of playing in a band or rehearsing a band there or playing music with anyone I've known who is under really 30 years old. Even if they do apologize to me. I'm just not into the creativity of that. Collie and Nora are amazing musicians and I like being around them and their friends and will fight for that to be my musical future, even if it kills me. And the same with this transexual stuff. I am not changing, drugs or no drugs, shaving cream or no shaving cream. I don't care about apologies much, but of course I would require resolution be given to me for Michelle to be back in my life. I'm not going to be very receptive to some random "relationship patch up" on a random bus ride.
It feels a little hateful stating it like that. It's part of the 99.99% vs 0.01%. I'm looking for a software job and book sales so I can pay for my $30,000/year lifestyle. This place is good enough and the people here are respectful enough that it is working well enough. I'm simply scared about living on the streets and having to leave stuff behind that I will fight to get back yet again. I'm sick of living like that, but I am not in control of you. I ask for things, book sales, jobs, managers to book shows, but I'm not getting anything. I'm doing my best.
2025-02-02 19:06:22 PM
2025-02-02 15:55:54 PM
I took a few minutes to learn the chords and melody to
The Body Electric this morning and then moved on to a full day of research, mostly on Wikipedia. Topics I covered:
1. Volcanos (the ring of fire).
- Felsic rocks are "lighter", are those volcanic rocks with a rough surface and it says they are the ones that contain aluminum.
- Mafic rocks are "smoother" rocks of obsidian which contain magnesium and iron.
- It said that 90% of lava rock on Earth is basalt/mafic.
2. The Ring of Fire: It said that 10% of the worlds active volcanos are in Japan. I have a new theory that they spread rumors in China that the Mt Saint Helens eruption on May 18
th 1980 was a nuclear explosion similar to the one Americans know as the Hiroshima attack. Human history can be kind of fuzzy like that. Not saying that I'm the authority on it, but my life seems to be pretty odd and it's likely that I have been fed a lot of important information in a non-textbook kind of way.
3. Rivers: How the major rivers around the world exit to the oceans. The concept of continential divide. Looking at world maps and noticing how most rivers drain to a bay. The Columbia river by me drains straight to the Pacific unlike how the one in California drains to the Baja Penninsula and the one in Washington drains to the Puget Sound. The Mississippi and others drain to the Gulf of Mexico. The South American Amazon is interesting though with how all those rivers drain to the Atlantic. It seems to be the major exception.
I researched rice processing to try to get a grip on its uses in plastic. I started off with a Google search for growing plants in high rise buildings and a ton of information came up on that. I haven't seen it personally, but it is highly likely. My more space oriented searches about planet formation via the stuff of our suns rays colliding with the stuff of all the other stars rays. I had written off the idea that there are other planets in our solar system for the last few months, but that idea came up a few days ago and is bringing it all back.
Thinking about my transgenderism and diet history too. I must have gotten the Chinese "rice book" in 1996, so I've likely been eating short grain pressure cooked rice since then, except for a few periods. Most of my meals had that as a large component in the 90's. Not so much in the 2000's and then just mainly a small about at breakfast in the 2010's. I certainly had huge, insanely regular bowel movements in the 90's. Having a body like this is good for some things....
I started reading my book again (Amazon search for Rachel Lydia Rand) yesterday. It's hilarious and I'm very proud of that.
2025-02-01 23:34:53 PM
I've been realizing that my fairly pronounced "Adam's Apple" was produced from multiple habits. Being a bicyclist and doing shoulder stands as well as my diet likely played a huge role. I've been realizing lately that wearing a modern bicycle helmet with those air vents was likely good for my hair because it would hold it down as well as inject air in there. For the last couple decades, I've been concentrating on gently washing my scalp when I wash my hair.