2025-04-18    09:23:52 AM

Good morning! They sure do enjoy making me paranoid! Best I can figure is that it is a tradition to treat presidents and presidential candidates this way. Not only is it excellent training, but it is their power over me. I get it. You know, I do a lot of fancy things, but the world is a really big place like that. We get trained for these jobs and well, there are so many jobs that I just would not be good at at all. I'm sure most people would have problems with my job-s.

I got the feeling that, well, I just have this military experience on my side. I am quite militaristic. And asian oriented. Do they make these products over there? I attempt to answer some of that question down this page in the last couple days. I even suspect that the asians planted the seed of language in each of the continents way long ago. They seem to be radically advanced, old souls. It's enough for me to continue on this slippery slope....

Also, the president, especially with the way I'm approaching it in this moment of history, is certainly an educational leader.

You know, I do play excellent bass :-) I'm just kind of an old soul too and am not super interested in pressing that dang record button. I go on and on about that too. Read on. Carry on. Take care of your stuff. Who knows? You may not get any more. I'm in the business of making sure everyone has some decent housing of course. If we go into post-industrialism, then housing isn't much of a concern. We've certainly been in the business of OVER-BUILDING for quite some time.

2025-04-18    09:11:34 AM

2025-04-17    19:18:15 PM

Good morning! ( things are passive/aggressive here. you know, I've never met Sting or Geddy Lee. I think that tibet guru figure lent me some tweezers to take the sliver out of my foot on capital hill (in Seattle) in 2003 when I was homeless for a week without shoes and improvised some cardboard inserts for my socks with my singer scissors)

you know, welcome, glad you are here, where ever that may be now, send solar coordinates if you enjoy that type of work and have time away from your other human responsibilities....

2025-04-17    18:59:17 PM

Look, I'm sure there are all kinds of older women who would be lovely partners for me. Like age 30-70. Probably like, well, maybe 4% of people out there, but you know, that's still plenty of people, right?

Remember, Cynthia didn't use nouns. It's not about intellectual conversation. Eccentricity is a good trait. But when you get into criticing eccentricity, there are some complications. There is certainly BAD eccentric and GOOD eccentric, right? If you ask someone "Do you know the law of sines?" and then they mumble something that well, you know it's not math but you can't tell what the hell they are saying, well, that is BAD eccentric!

GOOD ecctentric is like you ask someone "Do you know the law of sines?" and they respond "No. Hey, that's a lovely blue hair pin you have. Do you think it would help keep my side pony in a better position?"

2025-04-17    18:48:58 PM

This DVD player that I got on eBay is excellent. It plays Blu-ray and DVD but doesn't have an internet connection. It has HDMI and RCA audio. It has power, stop, eject and play buttons. And the best part is that the DVD will loop without any interaction from you. I got it for like $15 because it didn't have a remote.

2025-04-17    18:43:17 PM

Q: What is wrong with you for?

Uh, I guess I could use a rack on my bicycle, but then it wouldn't bee as sexy when I spin it around.

If I had another $10, I could buy some small screwdrivers.

I could use a miniskirt for the summer. Just a tight fitting tube one please. Size 6.

Also a light cotten minidress would be nice. Probably another $50 for extras. Am I asking for the moon?

What do those homeless people have in those shopping carts? Well, if you see me with one of those, it's likely a small recording studio with a few instruments, some computer programs written on paper, some hose for my legs, assorted colorful biniki tops and bottoms, pink shaving cream and razors, the usual nail cutters toothpaste floss toothbrush, scissors big and small.

What's in your wallet closet?

.... in your back seat?

pocket?

Maybe Collie and Nora have gone on to something they enjoy? I hope they are having an excellent time.

I'm tempted to say "What is wrong with you for? You! Buy my dang book already. This isn't like the lottery. It was more complicated than going to the booky window."

2025-04-17    16:56:48 PM

blue --> pink

2025-04-17    16:43:12 PM

All that you touch
and all that you see

2025-04-17    16:38:53 PM

Q: Do web developers learn about garbage collection in coding boot camp?

2025-04-17    16:17:34 PM

Q: Would you like me to tell you the story of Mr. Bill and the pronto pup?

2025-04-17    16:16:51 PM

My parents bought a new house in 1976 and my dad converted the garage into a living room with 5 big windows where the garage door was. So he framed the windows and you know, they were just open frames for a while and the black cat got used to jumping through them. Then....

2025-04-17    16:14:35 PM

2025-04-17    16:11:57 PM

2025-04-17    15:46:05 PM

complaining = argument = method/function parameter

sometimes I talk to myself.... I was trained in this 22 years ago. I have a lot more material to work with now. It's bigger than a thumb drive and smaller than a loaf of bread. It's probably in my brain, but it could be in my bones or somewhere else. I prefer to keep it LOCAL. That way if my uplink to the mainframe goes down, I still have everything.

Do these wind turbines work in reverse? Is that cloud engineering?

Q: How many Norelco machines can you fit in a C-141?

Q: How many people flew from NY to Spain today?

Q: How much nail polish does a city use in a year? How many 18 wheel loads is that?

Q: What did you put down the toilet today?

Q: How much shaving cream came out of [ m o t h ]'s pink can today?

Q: Is it good to put uncooked dough down the garbage disposal?

Q: Are bananas good 4u?

Q: Are you good 4 bananas?

Q: Does cocaine and coffee come from Cuba?

Q: Is riding a bicycle to work 30 miles a day good for weight loss?

Q: Are you tough enough to ride a bicycle in the rain? Or is it sissy/wussy to ride a bicycle?

Q: Was the world always like this?

Q: Will we ever get a new ice cream shop in the neighborhood?

Q: Do they eat ice cream in Mozambique?

Q: Did you know they have 8 lane freeways in South Africa (all in the same direction)?

2025-04-17    14:59:04 PM

Good afternoon! Or whatever it is when you are reading this in virtual time....

Q: Can you make a hit song [ m o t h ]?

Uh, it's in my Q, but I don't think it will happen soon. It's not a high priority/interest to me. Here are my priorities:

1) Remaining transfeminine. I'm not taking my old name back, got it?

2) Doing my presidential (candidate) work.

3) Software engineering.

4) Music


Music is wonderful, but I'm simply a female presidential candidate. There are a lot of people out in the world and the president represents them all. But I still have to have my own style. I can't adopt all styles for myself! I'm not THAT good!


TARS: "Humans never figured out how to go anywhere without leaving something behind."

One of my friends says he consumes 18 cans of beer a day. I used to think Patty drank a lot when she would come home with 2, 40oz beers. 18 x 12 = (I'm getting up the calculator LOL) 216oz! He says that he has to put ice cubes in it to stay healthy enough to continue to drink. He's one year older than me.

I'll stop with that. I don't know if he is telling the truth. We all consume something, right? You do consume something? I mean, they put ridiculous stuff in my environment that makes me think some people don't consume anything but the internet.

And auto parts.

12 x 12 = 144, right? You did get that memorized in school, right?

....just checkin

Yes, my friend does say that he pisses, a lot! He also says it comes out the other end in the morning. I don't know how factual he is.

You'll see me out in the early morning and afternoon bicycling and doing my work. I'm a little scaredy cat (ie wuss) and don't go out at night. At least until the bars close, then you'll find me walking in my miniskirt.

I'm hoping to lay out in the nice grass in my pink bikini in the park this summer. Don't bee too shocked if you see more than two lumps. I'll do my best to show you my back end! (wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss)

=^.^=

2025-04-17    09:41:27 AM

I always feel like the Star Trek Return of the Archons episode walking my monitor to the internet access point in my cloth bags. It is similar to the Anthem story with Landru and all that.

I am not a nightlife person at all. Never have been. Sure, I went to a couple rave parties. I enjoyed the experience. I suppose if I had gotten a record contract, then I would have had a house and have avoided the streets. I'm sure the people who I would have gotten the contract with would have altered my material to fit the global plan. Not like they didn't anyway, but I simply did not receive that grant.

I'll let up a little on Alexia here. It's difficult doing this job alone. Writing is obviously way more important to me than music as is the presidency. I assume that with a $400,000/year salary and a house I'd be able to have my 12 instruments in a nice little corner.

OK, read on. I love this work, but you know, I'm also afraid they will kill me. I guess I have to believe that my logic around the politics is correct. Industrialism must be limited like everything else.

Car-men

2025-04-17    05:20:35 AM

2025-04-17    04:58:30 AM

Fake News and War

Is there a war in UK-Rain-e? Have you been there recently? El-on MUsk might be my old friend Allen(town) from the bicycle shop in the 1990's and he was always telling me about the Civil War re-enactments they do in Richmond Virginia each year.

What's your favorite movie moving picture?

2025-04-17    04:18:31 AM

2025-04-17    03:51:53 AM

....show me the Gold RUSH

2025-04-17    03:51:34 AM

2025-04-17    03:16:50 AM

How big is this political thing with me?

I just can't believe how all our language triggers me. I am definitely associated with blues and the color blue. My blue GEO Metro with Tennessee plates. The "day I turned blue" in 1992 in the cold water at the diving point in Man-zaneta.

And then I ran for congress 3x against Ear_l Blu_men_(jack)_[B]auer who also happens to be a bicyclist who got his Law Degree from Lewis and Clark College where I studied with guitarist Jack Putter-man when I would ride my bicycle up there in 1991 with my trombone on my back playing in the band with Chuck Findley on trombone who I toured Europe with, in 1989, playing the finest concert halls in Europe.

Now I'm in support of Pres. Trump and his ways of non-full-contact golfing angles with for? Show me the metal....

Does anyone know a good lawyer or two? I think the bank miscalculted and left me $707.04 in the red. So much for my 850 credit score.

Anyone up for a good game of BumperBubbles?

2025-04-17    03:16:39 AM

(don't forget to click the "show images" button up top....)

2025-04-17    02:53:00 AM

This money thing over here could turn around immediately. Millions of book sales could come in at any time. I suppose it's some kind of weird money lesson on that level.

There was that .com name gold rush, the $1 app gold rush, the bitcoin gold rush, the goFundMe type gold rush and now the kind of YouTube thing. It's not exactly coding apps for the Roofing Manufacturer, Lumber Manufacturer, Healthcare Software Company, electric car software, industrial machine coding....

2025-04-17    02:27:53 AM

Say what you will about Am-a-zen, but almost 100% of the things I get from them are winners in my book, even the clothing. I simply would not be able to find this stuff around town. I'd be running all over the place and return home empty handed. And with their electronic ordering methods, it's very much like the credit cards at the gas station, we have control on that level in case intelligent rationing is needed.

2025-04-17    02:17:27 AM

Good morning love, how was your sleep?

This thing with money.... It could be percieved as my sticking up for wanting to be famous but not rich and Sting's criticism of wanting fame. Of course my stance is that being filthy rich (simply rich), doesn't have much meaning for me. As long as I have decent housing, a wonderful partner and the tools of my trades, then I'm all good. The basics, right?

Again, I have no idea what they are doing to my body chemically. They could be killing me, cleaning me, or prepping me for a space mission. Still a complete paradox with me waiting for some kind of resolution. Feeling pretty good this morning though. I certainly got more rest yesterday than I have in years.

2025-04-16    15:53:05 PM

S-ON-Y
SO-NY
SON-Y
SONY

2025-04-16    15:46:06 PM

I don't like complaining, but no one buys my games, books, music or donates to my political campaigns. It's like the ultimate rejection. It's not just being outwardly transgender. This has been going on for decades.

2025-04-16    15:27:50 PM

It may be a culture shock for other people, but my family always said "We don't do funerals." And sure enough, I guess I went to one funeral for a former high school band member, but since it was the only funeral I ever attended, it just seemed fake to me.

Patty did die in my arms. Cynthia died in the hospital and I was there with a few of her family when she took her last breath. I left the room fairly quickly and I have some doubts if she actually died. I had an excellent time with her. I know what she told me.

I've been to 5 marriages, 2 of them were mine. My marriage to Ann was in a courthouse. Ena and I had about 50 guests. Ian's brother had a huge wedding. I really don't know any of those people. Ann and I attended Curtis Sines' wedding. Probably the best wedding I attended.

I've never seen a birth. I've never spent any significant time with children.

I essentially have no family. And on some level, no friends. I keep on thinking that if I did have a new partner, she would mean everything to me.

:-) It's just the way things work with me. Again, it seems like the VP job would be better than the presidency for me. It seems like more of a sheltered position with a more flexible schedule. You know how I like working and the early morning hours. I'm not much of an evening musician.

2025-04-16    15:02:11 PM

Perhaps it has something to do with trombone being my primary instrument? You don't plug a trombone into electronics. I just pick it up and play. It's always sitting on the stand in the living room.

And then having an acoustic piano is the same way. And I mostly do the same thing with my electric bass. I just don't bother plugging it in. With electric keyboards, I only use one sound and my biggest concern is how fast it boots up. The XV-88 was really good at turning on quickly!

It's cool how the 6 string with the gold flat wound strings sounds like an acoustic bass. I've been wanting to get one for years. It's kind of ridiculous! I bought my first one in September 2024 and it had those gold strings on it. I almost didn't buy it because of that. And now just 7 months later, I've had 3 of them, all with gold AND nickel strings! :-) I guess it was a little ego boost, but it was also an interesting experiment.

I've got the red keyboard in the bedroom now, just in front of the futon. It's at a low level, almost as low as the futon. And I'm using batteries with it instead of plugging it in. It's nice like that! I don't mind my computer being plugged in. All the wires and all. I'm not into the monitors, keyboards and mice with those latop computers. I just don't use them. I'm sure they are much easier to manufacture though. Or whatever it is that makes them so popular. The batteries do last a long time on the Roland GO:Keys. The speakers are built in and it's fairly low volume. I charge the batteries every few weeks. I don't play it a whole lot though. The sound is drowning in reverb! It's an excellent sound, but I get tired of that. And it doesn't have the full weighted keys and that is always frustrating. It's light though!

2025-04-16    14:17:02 PM

I like some of my more feminine photos, but this is fairly representative of how I normally am. Even in my house, I rarely plugged the bass into the electronics. And in the place I am now, with the gold flat wound strings, this thing sounds amazing.

2025-04-16    13:48:26 PM

My physical condition today is kind of freaky. Water is flowing straight through me. I'm employing a strategy from the Benjamin Franklin biography I read where he suggests drinking water and rest. I'm kind of home bound today taking care of myself like that. With easter coming up, well, I'm just scared I'm going through some community or religious persecution or even execution. Whatever it is, I'm fairly powerless over it. Everytime I go out in public, there just isn't anything better for me out there than staying at my place.

I had ordered DoorDash delivery every day for about 2 months because of the same kind of thing, but then my money ran out. With doing this 20 hour/day presidential campaign work, I figured that it is like they say and presidents usually have someone cooking for them and well, just about any company has employees, so someone cooking food for me seems reasonable for someone who works on the things that I do.

2025-04-16    13:38:01 PM

Here is one of my stories from the last 5 years....

My software work at the roofing manufacturer slowed down, so I was trying to find more work. I've had problems with this in the past, so I took a moment to try to get another perspective on it. I thought to myself "What do we manufacture in the Pacific Northwest?" One of the top things I thought of was lumber. So I then pulled up a list of the major lumber manufacturers. Hampton Lumber came up on the list and their corporate headquarters was in Cedar Hills which is just 5 miles from my house.

So I managed to get an interview with them, I think it was with their Chief of Financies. The guy I was working with at the Roofing Manufacturer said he went to college with this guy! Small world, right?

The interview was a virtual interview as we were on that 2020 lockdown or something like that. He is a guy about my age at the top of his profession and career as are most of the people I grew up with as is evidenced by the names of the companies around town.

He told me that the lumber industry is a commodity industry more than a manufacturing industry. The manage the growth of the trees. He said they have 3 software engineers who do various projects for them. He said something about having a vacation home and a family. :-)

I didn't get the job, apparently because the brands of software they use are not the most compatible with the bRands I use.

Then there was that thing where I posted on my website that I had made $3,200 for one hour of work (check my invoices) and then not long after that I was on my USA Today iPad app and saw Sting saying something about one of those modern rap musicians or whoever they are had paid him $5,000/daily royalty. We've been doing this for a decade like that.

Walking 'round the room? in||on the moon?

2025-04-16    13:23:45 PM

It's just weird psychology.

With all I have done, why am I so unsupported that I can't even get one $8 book sale?

2025-04-16    10:24:19 AM

Q: What is your name?

Rand

what? Rand Paul?

No. Ms Rand.

2025-04-16    10:01:22 AM

Are you looking for a pickup or a pickup line?

2025-04-16    09:32:18 AM

Listening to tears now,

4u, the truth

You/I could make the argument that many people are put through what I have been. But then again, my name is Rand and I am tied to Rush in that way. I have no idea who Delcina actually is, but wow, she resembles Geddy Lee. I think she is actually Delcina though. I think she is telling me the truth. She was a jet engine mechanic in the Air Force for 28 years. She is likely not telling me the whole truth. And I certainly just spill all the truth out. Whether it is factual or not. I'm working on it, right?

2025-04-16    09:26:43 AM

What can I say? I just want someone close to me to see the things that I do. Up close. On a big stage doesn't work so well for what I do. My website works pretty well, but....

2025-04-16    09:18:03 AM

What a strange life I live....

Listening to 2112 now. Got my bass out. No pickups.

Like I said the other day, I am Rand and I am living Ayn Rand's Anthem story. It makes so much sense. This city. What can I say? It's just odd behavior, but it's to be expected.

it doesn't fit the plan ----

2025-04-16    02:01:03 AM

Maybe what I'm supposed to do now is let go of some of this intense paranoia? I'm sure they have this covered correctly, but I still have to take action. I've gotten good sleep. Wow, I've been on an intense journey.

2025-04-16    01:57:16 AM

Good morning! I may have even gotten 8 hours of sleep. How are you?

They have given me some kind of internal cleaning.

Q: Who are "they"?

They are some kind of mixture of the presidential secret service and my music community. I ran for US Rep 3x and president last year. I sold my house to continue my presidential campaign full time. I will not stop running for president ever. So, I prefer to think it is more presidential than music. On some level, I do not know though.

----

I'm obviously scared. I don't know what they are doing to me, but they are certainly doing something to me that is beyond my control. They may see me as dangerous and are trying to set an example with me and kill me, or they may just be teaching me hard, military lessons and are going to open up and set me up with some wonderful woman like I am suggesting. I just don't know and it is still a paradox like that. Intellectually, I choose to remain hopful about it! Why not? If it's 50/50, then I choose that this is all working, right?


It doesn't make it easy for me though. I walked to the store with my desktop computer and monitor yesterday evening at say 7 or 8 pm. The street scene out there with the older adults around my age is completely disturbing to me. I don't relate to those people very well. I'm simply way more business oriented than those more normal folks.

They could critic me as being a corporate slave, but you know, do you like cars and modern human life? Would you like to go back to living in a cave or to an industrial slave life of working 16 hour shifts building cars without computer automation? You can't tell me that people are against cars. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one out there who doesn't use powered transportation. It's been like that for me for 35 years and I talked about that extensively in the political debates I did in the spring of 2024. Just do a search for Rachel Lydia Rand and the League of Women Voters and you'll see me talking my real politics with the other US Rep Candidates for Earl Blumenauer's open seat in congress. After I lost, I immediately started running for president again and have learned a whole ton, but my message is mostly the same. Right?


I suppose the biggest fear now is that this presidential stuff is just a joke and it's really about my music friends hating me or some religious thing with easter and they are actually going to kill me. It's probably irrational though, but it is real. These churches are really odd and I am not a part of them.

I'm in limbo like that. The internal cleaning has slowed me down and I've gotten some good sleep. My posting the last few days has been pretty hateful, but of course completely honest and there are some fun playful elements to what I am saying and suggesting, right?

It's just intense politics. And all wrapped up with my personal life. Most presidential candidates are connected socially and have families. I don't. I'm all alone here. On the official record, my relatives are an 85+ year old aunt and my 26yo neice. That's my entire living family that I have spent any time at all with and I really have spent so little time with either of them that I barely know them.

I just come from an odd small family like that. And my family is certainly very political.

2025-04-15    05:05:24 AM

It's Navy terminology:

I got a shower chit from my doctor because of my AI.

2025-04-15    05:04:18 AM

AI = Anal Injury = Artificial I-mag-i-nation

2025-04-15    02:33:19 AM

* trigger warning!
trying to pull yesterday afternoon's negativity back into sarcastic "tongue in cheek" hateful comedy (it's the best intelligent comedy I have this morning, completely honest from real life experience as always)

Marc: "Suck dick to get a head" - 2002
Ena: "Pick my butt, save for later" - 2007 (reference to my anal itching injury from my 2003 methodical rape by a black male musician)
Sam: "Q: How do you appologize Rand? You say you're sorry."

So, my thought is that you should get these three together to shoot a hardcore pornography video as they have the same type of temperment and style.

And then set me up with some barely 18 teenie bopper kind of girl (white thin innocent willing trusting and fun, it's a legit job qualification for this role as well as my preferrences for my personal/public life) and I'll do my softcore style intimate porn video with her.

Then we'll have Mark Zuckerberg track down the "PICKT" app that I coded for phones in 2016ish and we'll have Allen Poe (aka Elon MUsoftwareKit) to upgrade it via Harman/Adobe AIR to display video as well as pictures. Then Mark can manage the moderation of the distribution of this pornography poll so that we don't offend any underage people according to their state of home address.

Then, because computer viruses are still a concern that make us download updates daily, we'll have Presidential hopeful Harris find some qualified software engineers who are capable of coding all the computers and devices in the corporate chain grocery stores and in their application process, Rachel wants them to answer whether they have coded a message board from scratch and if they did, how did they address security on it? And then we'll have the people with the best qualified responses to that to handle the security under the direction of Mark Z and then get them in contact with Rachel aka Lydia Rand moth-- in case she is ever politically successful because she would like them to be part of her cabinet and does not want Sam as Secretary of State as Sam suggested to her in the Fall of 2023. She just likes being around hard software skills people who are more interested in engineering realities like poles of volcanic ore around the planet rather than the social dynamics of pot smoking transwoman too loopy musicians who are attracted to more innocent type people who do not drink or have tatoos.

OK, let me know how that goes. Mesaw ready to do my part under those parameters....

Good morning. Another lovely day at 2:23am. Doing my usual thankless self-centered work. Not sure what my old friends/wives intentions were with all those silly song lyrics and sexual practices, but I am interested in polling numbers. And having fun of course. alcohol.cum.tablets.crystal.beef != fun * random(2);;

.++.++. +++

There are some fun elements of this obviously intellectual writing job. The pay sucks, but you can't have everything....

=^.^=

Of course quite serious about the porn video. I'm sure we are all up to it. I'll direct the photography of mine please. I have some skillz.

2025-04-14    22:47:29 PM

I'm wound up and will likely have a hard time sleeping....

On my potential relationship side, I monologed a few minutes ago about how I've always been kind of on the young, immature side for lack of a better phrase. The constant "grow up" directed at me doesn't hold much value. I seem to relate well to people in their early 20's and 60's better than people in their 30's, 40's and 50's. Unless in an active working situation of course. This is on the personal level.

It was like that with me in the Navy too. Some people are very, very mad at me about this behavior. It's essentially just a component of my personaltiy that cannot be changed. I'm kind of a product of the boomer musicians and feel that they made me, and want me, to be an intregal part of Generation Z and to take a partner among them. That makes 100% logical sense to me. Apart from some non-musical business people, I essentially do not want to interact with these other generations around me. There is just something incompatible about it/them.

You could call it a character defect of mine. You could critic me and say I should "grow up" and learn to fix my character defect. I happen to love this feature of my life, personality and culture.

I saw an ultra young woman at the store this evening. Of course there is a weird attraction with this age difference, but there is something more tangible going on here. Of course the whole Generation Z will not be on board with me and accept me. That's impossible. But I get the feeling that this will work out well. Certainly Collie and Nora and the way the three of us interacted on the science, food and music level was absolutely the way I am and want to continue to live my life. None of my friends in these other generations come close to that kind of interaction I had with them. And their friends were the same way. Just amazing lovely people.

It goes beyond the transgender thing. It really does. I'm hopeful that President Trump is actually going to back me and us up on this. I suspect that The boomer musicians are on board and this will all work out very soon.

For whatever reason, I feel amazing going out as my female self. I mostly stay in my little den living space of course. I do not feel overly welcome anymore on the streets unfortuinately. I don't think it is simply the section of town I am in. I'm not sure what it is or what this show is, but I am certainly not changing on this position. They can tie me up and drag me from their bumper. This is the way I am. I hope that people who respect this aspect of me will stand up for me. I can't tell if this is just some fake show out there or if this is real hate. I simply want to be around people who I can trust and enjoy.

2025-04-14    22:08:56 PM

Hello love. It was a crazy torturous afternoon and evening for me. I'm back home and the grocery store and the trip there was unproductive because of mostly typical nightime social behavior from others as I perceived their sounds and movements.

Of course my reaction to the torture and resulting political decisions may have something to do with it. I'll attempt to list the results:

1) My review of the USA federal executive leaders has me yet again digging in on the Trump side. My basis for that is that Trump is more tied to the building industry while essentially all the others are former legislators and lawyers who are like an extension of the judicial branch. Trump is known for building skyscrapers and skyscrapers are metal, so that also ties in better with the metal structures and vehicles of the military commander in chief job. And of course his association with Elon Musk who I believe I worked with in a bicycle store for a year and was around for up to 4 years in the 1990's. He worked directly across the street where I lived next to the Seal training base and the largest Naval base in the world.

2) It got all relationship messy tonight too with the "black jazz" music community and my jazz music teacher Thara Memory with how he taught me a song when I entered high school called I Love You. The song was and is of course amazing because of it's melodic and chordal structure leaning heavily on major seventh intervals and harmonic minor subdominant to dominant chord progressions. A good deal of my musical vocabulary is based on that song and that experience. But my neighbors are essentially using the phrase I Love You as a weapon against me and my culture. At least that is how I am perceiving it. It ties into my significant high school romance with Marge and our messy breakup that included some rape behavior from me that was essentially based on my fear of losing her and my, I guess atheist upbringing of "how do we know unless we try?" Of course it was a bad event. Kinda two events and of course I learned a big lesson from it on the mechanical sex side. I quickly realized that Marge was absolutely spot on for how she handled the sex thing with me. My upbringing was fairly weird of course as is evident in my posting here and political stories. It's not really an excuse. I kind of have the Jewish demeanor about it in the moment of simply saying "I made a mistake." Sam has tortured me in ways about this scolding me for both being attracted to innocent type people and for not knowing or something about how to appologize "You say you're sorry." Well, I guess it is a cultural thing with me. I don't get the behavior of saying I'm sorry. It's complicated. I don't know what to say about it. I learned from it. A long time ago. It was a hard breakup and Sam has also tortured me time and time again about it calling my relationship with Marge "puppy love". It's like, whatever Sam. I'm going to get some work done. I don't know what else to say. I've tried several times to contact Marge including seeing her mom twice and leaving my phone number. I simply can't get ahold of her and certainly don't want to have a relationship with her again. It's a choice of mine and part of my personal life which has obviously become totally public and political. I enjoy the public political lessons of all of this. I actually love that and it seems that her family and my family were very political at this level, so it feels like we are simply working a job with all of this. At least that is what it feels like on my end.

3) It's the same old story. I insist that I'm introverted and a transwoman. I am constantly tortured from my enighbors through the wall and everywhere I go on the streets where ever I am at with "grow up" "goober" "wuss" and things of that nature. None of it is an actionable item and I interpret them as negative, hateful triggers. I suspect that even if they gave me actionable details, they would not be something I would choose to do, and I think they know that, but still, the people of this city insist on torturing me with this hate. It could be because of my support of President Trump. Or my standing up for my introverted musical ways. Or for standing up for my transwoman legal status. Or my insistance of not taking a community job at 54yo after earning $150,000 in music and about one million dollars coding software in an environment full of political lessons that make me a viable federal executive level candidate.

4) At this point, I've come back to my living place with some kind of clarity that perhaps this so called liberal, democratic city, is actually against me and my political actions and I'm trying to employ some trust on the issue that President Trump, my bike store buddy friend, and the military are providing some kind of protection for me in my living situation and candidacy. I simply at this point see President Trump as the better executive politician. With his construction management experience and drilling home the extremely valid point of "fake news", he obviously is in knowledge of our current industrial world which I predict is going to reach a serious turning point soon. I don't see this as some fluffy lawyer thing. It is definitely a military thing. You might think that he is against me as a transwoman, but I'm feeling more pushback on that in the PNW than I did in the military. Big time. My good friends that I have made since my return to the PNW have all been outside my music community. All of my music community interaction has been 100% torturous now that I look back on it. Perhaps that was a mechanism to toughen me up? That enters the moth/paradox side of it again. I can't say that it was bad training, even from Sam on that level. Certainly my favorite people since I have come back to Seattle and Portland are:

Adrianna
Dan
Patty
Cynthia

Recently:
Ben
Delcina
Charlize
Nora
Collie

What can I say? These are the people who make sense to me. The people who speak engineering logic to me. All these other people are talking about some kind of fluffly love thing or some hate thing against me. I've learned lessons from them all of course. And I don't truely hate these people. There is a big sense of teamwork here, but wow, it just goes to make clear that I really respond to technical details much more than fluffy social stuff. I'm just hard skills like that. And obviously introverted and truly transgender. Nora and Collie obviously speak my language. Andy was really informative as well, but there was some kind of weird hate vibe from him and I did not dig on his brand of disrespect. Really fun person on a lot of levels though. I really appreaciate those intellectual topics Andy! Music was fun too! Sorry that I am so introverted and transgender :-)

5) The recap is that I still feel very threatened here and am trusting President Trump to side with me on this stuff. I have a background in engineering and industry now. I see myself as an executive level politician vying for the VP job. It's ideal all the way around for me. I don't see myself as a musician on the Sting side of things. I see myself as holding key skills for a post-industrial transition. It's a serious gamble and I can tell my neighbors are not happy with this at all, right now. But I have to make a stand on this on these engineering principles. Food/Clothing/Shelter and human engineering trumps love and music. It's not some little local thing with a community garden in the city. I've been on the streets before and have lived in extreme poverty for years. I get the sense that China and a big portion of the worlds is also on my side on this. I obviously have massive movement skills of manufacturing. I spend a lot of time musing on what is going on in China, Japan and India. Ben and I were working with Indian software engineers regularly and Ben was almost entirely dedicated to me to bring me up to speed with more engineering coding. Thank you Ben, this is wonderful stuff and I love doing this coding.

Of course other people like Mike Withycombe and Peter Giese have been great to work with as well in my computer jobs. Many thanks. All the jazz jam sessions and odd torture from Sam and Marc have been totally fucked. I left the Navy to get away from that. I shouldn't have spent any time with that. It was all some obligation thing and well, it didn't do any good for me. The only time I enjoyed it was when I asked Sam to take me to the jam session so I could sit and eat a meal in my nice feminine attire and not have to be bothered with the music and social scene. I felt much, much better like that. The music was still not much fun to listen to and the social scene is torture for me, but the food was good, the waitress was nice and I felt good in my clothing and enjoyed not having to participate musically. It's been totally fucked for me musically with other people since returning to Portland folks. Completely. That is just a fact. I have no idea at all why you never play a static one chord groove for 10-20 minutes at these jazz jam sessions. The standards are obviously great to learn from and have some value, but without repsecting the static jam thing, my jazz culture is completely missing. So I do my thing at home. I love listening to Sting and Rush. And some Billy Joel. Mostly Sting. My music is not much like them and that is OK. I enjoy making a nice little perfect small phrase and then looping it for hours. Then I put it on my website so others can experience that reasonably well. Those website players put a skip in the loop, but whatever. For the most part, it's been good enough for me to listen to, so I leave it up there if I like it. It's upsetting that no one seems to like my music and email me to tell me they like it or use any of the payment options I have put up there. I guess there is just a big cultural difference here that cannot be reconcilled. No biggie, right? Please don't continue to torture me about this. If you want me to lose politically, then be respectful and simply put your message out like I do. Maybe you'll get more donations than me and bee successful?

Third world from the sun, right? Am I just slow?

2025-04-14    18:13:52 PM

If you want to skip todays negativity hard political realities, I highlighted the section header called So many angles.

Or click here: So Many Angles


It was more political and AA monolog in the bedroom, but I feel more sane and relaxed now.

Uh, the key personal point with me now is that I am transfeminine with a female id that I am not changing. I tend to be too trusting and have a hard time believing that anyone is truly against me. I also am so honest as to know that is completely illogical.

I'm optimistic and innocent like that.

The political conclusion I came to in the bedroom was the it is likely that President Trump is the most knowledgable of all the current and fairly recent past presidents and cadidates about the state of our raw materials industry and future, especially with the metal in his skyscraper type buildings.

Because of that, I have full trust in him, as the elected president, to know what the proper timing for this likely drawdown rationing phase of history to begin. I'm most certainly in a kind of vacuum, guninea pig roll in this game which is likely a VP type of position which is actually very stressful and difficult on my personal life. I'm thrilled to be doing this work though. Always have been, but it just keeps getting better.

My expertise in the political situation is certainly about drugs (vice) and work-a-holic-inspiration-technology in a sparce transportation and building material business/personal environment. I seriously doubt my position is solely a music position. Music is a fine thing to do in a drawdown environment though. Drink yourself silly in your youth if you want to, but I caution against it! I enjoyed marijuana in moderation until my early 30's, so I'm not a hypocryt (spelling always counts/measures/units[rand iu's]), so you know, you can follow my meditative writing guidance on that subject if that is your groove.

A lovely lady in my environment. Someone new to get to know mentally and physically. Intimately. Would be nice. Top 2 ideas I guess are super young Alexia and like 70yo Alex. Both wonderful women who I would like to get to know. AA meetings are obviously triggering for me, but I'll likely attend again at some time. I enjoy my self-declared super-promoter position and choose to not get paranoid about how I obtained, or pirated that title. :-)

Again, my ID says female and I am absolutely not changing that. I prefer to smoke seedless marijuana and enjoy the idea of the hemaphrodite process for feminizing seeds. I always just removed the males, but always, always grew from seed. First crop I simply used 10 standard 4' florescent bulbs in 2 4 bulb fixtures and one two bulb fixture. I'm sure there is something about the ballasts that makes it work well. Likely something about magnets. I'm still skeptical about induction cooking. Electric stove cooking is turning out to be terrible here. Crock pots are certainly better because of the ceramic pot on the electric heat. Gas is obviously the way to go it seems and those food carts, well, they seem to know what they are doing and are likely low water usage experts. I'm certainly a fan of all that, but I'm using a food stamp card, so I'm going to the grocery store and munching on whatever to extend my life into the next day without being too stupid about my choices.

I'd love to move on to a better place to live. We'll see. I guess I have to say that I don't have 100% faith that my neighbors are on my side, but there is just something cool between us over here and no one else is really helping me out too much, so we continue to do our thing here with the division bell guitar and all that. Not a show stopper and well, there is quite a lot of love here as well as a wide range of other seasons :-)

It will be interesting to see if anything drastic happens on 4-20. I'm exhausted on some level. And I'm certainly not walking into a church, bar, concert venue at any time. And certainly not going to the club on 4-20. I hope I am accepted at the women's meetings again. My ID says female and that goes back to a very young age for me in the 1970's folks. It's not a new thing at all. Please do not go to a women's meeting if you are not either invited and welcome and have a Female ID. I don't like the party atmosphere found at some queer meetings, so I stay away from that. I don't desire to be drab either, but flat out party is not my style at all. I'm more work fun than play hard.

There are some lovely mixed race couples walking around town and they tend to be very beautiful out there. I desire my next relationship to be someone more of a racial match with me this time. And younger. Almost all of my relationships have been with older women. Sure, I have some older person body things going on including some odor problems most likely. I don't know how bad it is or if it can be reversed. My sense of smell is still good and I use it to keep my place as clean as I can. I work on my problems methodically and intimately. "She's cleaning up her systems, to keep her nature pure."

Yes, I'm kind of a heavy hitter in many ways. Introducing myself to people and asking people on a date is next to impossible for me. Please accept this about me. It may seem like some easily changed soft skill, but we all have strengths and weaknesses, right? Please help me out. This isn't begging of course. I work damn hard and deserve more respect than this. Money doesn't help out with everything and fear isn't simply something to be avoided.

Negative voices from next door. I have no where else to go though. I do feel safe enuogh for the moment. I don't know what the exit plan is here. I guess I understand if people really want to avoid the scene here. It would sure make me feel better to have someone desireable by my side though. I know I'm taking some chances. And of course the possibility for a crazy cool exotic future with nice food/clothing/shelter is very real. I've done everything I can. There is the idea that simply someone stepping up to be with me and being accepted by me in the first day or two would change the situation quickly. It's a thought and a sort of hope I suppose.

I'm totally on board with the concept of hope on many levels now. Not so much with prayer and certianly not with begging. I don't see myself as begging at all. I'm working with integrity. Going on strike is a concept, but not very useful in my world. This gig is too big to go on strike in my opinion. It's a 24/7 thing like that. Of course there is desire for a partner to create a good homelife with again. I like my descriptions of all of that below. I got triggered to get into these gritty negative details this afternoon. It's political work. I'll see if I can highlight the next section header so you can skip some of the harsh realities of the days politics if you want to....

I highlighted the section header called So many angles.

2025-04-14    15:46:14 PM

Wow, I'm just massively triggered right now and just incredibly stressed out and tired.

The idea is that I'm, like my whole life, wrapped up in some whole life dedicated modern TV show of a kind of wireless, bluetooth, show trans-mission about this love drama I am in with Marge.

As I have been writing about extensively lately, I don't see it that way, but it could be true. Is it rejection of her on my part? I certainly don't see it like that. I'm essentially rejecting all of my PDX musical people because of what has happened to me over the last 25 years.

And then there is this religious angle of it. I'm certainly totally on board with a solid concept of God and higher powers, as well as definitions and theories of community, teamwork and obviously extensive politics.

So I see myself as a politician on that level. I reason all of this out extensively and have been working 20 hour days on political thinking, writing, campaigning and related activities for likely 2 years now without pay. So I am naturally burned out on this.

I have went to Marge's mom's place 2x in the last 21 years. The first time I was in terrible physical condition coming off of the streets, again on the 4^th of July 2004, with plastic bags on my torn up feet, just for starters and of course a stack of programming and math under my arm. :-)

She was nice enough I suppose. It was odd of course.

Then another 21 years of drama and well, I went there again in my cleaned up feminine attire a year or so ago. She opened the door and looked wonderful (Marge's mom). I have incredible memories of her joyously singing in the kitchen when I was dating Marge back in 1989. She made me a lovely cup of hot water with the absolute perfect tea bag, cup and saucer on the side. I gentle steeped the tea bag for about 15-20 seconds, took it out and put it on the saucer. Of course absolutely the way it should be done. Dragging it through too quickly causes bitterness and too long causes bad taste and too much caffine.

We had a lovely talk. I had my hose, long black dress slacks (just like when coming off the streets 20 years before) and my 2" sandal heels with the dainty ankle strap. Lovely thin cardigan and all that. Feeling great. Doing excellent work. Music, polictics, programming. At the end of the conversation, she gave me a great political idea in a sentance or two about her aging, the house situation and the need for a grocery store trip. I suppose I could get paranoid and not trust her, but she seemed sincere and it was a good political thought whatever her intent and physical reality was/is.

I played a little piano for her. I just felt wonderful. I left my number and of course inquired about Marge. She gave me the same story and told me "Don't worry about Marge. She is fine." I wrote my name as Rand. They know me as Rand and it is my last name. I stuttered on that and still am unsure about that. I don't think that matters all that much. Any of my Rachel Lydia Rand [ m o t h ] names are fine with me of course.

Marge never called. I thought about calling Betty back, but I'm busy and living my political life. I could use help, but going to her for a political donation, or help, well, I'd really just like a call from Marge. There was some desire to actually room with her. She said she is single, aging and fairly lonely. I thought about it a lot. She is completely lovely in my book, but again, I'm living a complicated political life and well, she knows she can buy my book I'm sure.

And of course I declared on my site the other day, just down this page a bit, that religiously, I am a non-believer. It's absolutely true. I see God as 3 dimensional and crossing into the fourth dimension of time with the action of the sun particals in motion, but that my concept of God does not reach any farther than that. Essentially, I see God a dead. A non living entity. Just the rules of the universe. Essentially the rules that allow matter to exist and move and therfore allow life to exist. In my concept of God, you could attempt to conclude everything from those rules to say that everything was planned by God. Essentially the cause and effect of the concept of matter and the initiation of the action of the radiation of the stars.

Thgis religious thing is a thing with Marge and her mom it seems, and a great number of other people. I was raised as an Atheist. So that is why I am bringing this up here. I feel that this drama is a POLITICAL drama and a real world event of post-industrialism just as I am suggesting and this drama with Marge is sort of a side show in that bigger event. I'm expessing this here because I realize that my choice on that is simply a hunch. Again, you would have to travel a whole lot to be absolutely sure of many of these big world things. Really, I think to absolutely prove that even a solar panel is actually producing electricity, you would have to not only disassemble the whole thing, but you would have to take it completely off grid to a place where you are absolutely sure there is no cell tower type power getting to it (I was wirelessly pumped full of electricity multiple times in Kelso Washington last summer and Marge and the Porn Industry was absolutely a part of that event. It was complete terror on my end.). Just saying this is all connected and relevant. You would need to verify that there are no batteries in the loop of that solar panel and not only that, but to be absolutely sure, I believe you would have to have that solar panel be relatively large so that you could actually feel the electricity with your body when touching the terminals instead of using a meter with it because maters are electronic devices that can be altered, especially if they are digital (you know, I write software).


It just gets dang political in my family, right?

If this is all just some love drama with Marge and not a real political event, then well, I'm just taking a gamble with that and am fully preparred to "lose" and even lose my life over this because of my political AND personal cultural identity. And I'm not entirely sure Marge, or her mom, share my cultural indentity at all. They may totally disagree with my interpretation of God, politics or all kinds of things. Since I haven't talked to Marge in 35 years and haven't talked with her mom in well over a year, I can't even confirm that either of them are alive.

I have to live my life essentially. (the word lie was a typo just now, well, I was in a video conference with someone who could have been Marge, but did not use the name Marge, I really have no clue at all, I suppose it could be some stupid show of my ability to call people on a lie, just some stupid social BS as far as I'm concerned). There is the Rush lyric that I use in this instance "He's a little bit afraid of dying, but he's a lot more afraid of your lion."

Right?

Essentially I've gone to them physically 2x now. I've search for Marge for many, many hours on the internet following limited information I've gotten from Betty. I simply can't get any good connection with her. If this is about her, she must come to me at this point. I am done with that game.


I dislike being mad like this of course. Terribly masculine terror on my end. I guess it's to bee expected with this commander in chief executive level politics.


I think and logic excessively of couse. Today I'm seeing even more logic about being with Alexia. She is just one person though of course. If people are just flat out lying to me or this is some stupid TV event I'm in, it sure would be nice to get some regular back pay at the very least for this show. Tv shows always paid actresses for their work whether the show NETted a profit or not, correct?

I don't ever say that I want to be rich and famous. I want to be famous for intelligent work. Rich isn't much of a concept in my world, but living ordinary wage certainly is. I'm working excessively here. It's just a tough job like that. I understand this on that level.

And I tend to be very optimistic about all of this. I totally believe that post-industrialization will happen and it is a tipping point reality of declining population just like I am saying. These politics of mine appear to be well thought out and solid concpets. And I say over and over that I do not have the needed information about the timeline of all of this. On that level, I'm in support of President Trump because I believe he does have good knowlege on that matter. That's kind of a hunch too, but I do see me as a legitimate part of the executive level USA politics at this point. I provide my piece of the puzzle, right?

If it is a drawdown thing of post-industrialization, I certainly have skills to inspire people to live better lives without formal paying jobs and transportation fuel. That much is undisputatble. I'm a master at all of that.

Of course my life story is completely exotic and intesne. I get paranoid and scared and write stuff like this because I know that tons of money have been put into the Hollywood movie industry which I am a huge fan of (it is totally education and education is vital to humans). They could have just invested massive amounts of resources into playing and controling every aspect of my life. Actually, I"m certain they have. The only real question for me is why they did this. And I have to side on the idea that it is the larger political thing and not a love show with Marge. Of course it is dual purpose either way, but I have to make a choice and have done that. So I'm just kind of filling in more blanks and sharing about it here.

Kamala Devi Harris is obviously a huge player in this as well. Marge is an attorney as well. I'm convinced we are working as a team through all of this crazy blogging and everything we do out there. It is difficult work and you know, on the most important personal level with me, I simply want to find some kind of personal life relief from all this stress with a nice new partner. A likely white race female with the personality traits that I can accept. Essentially a level of sincerity and trust, honesty who I can get to know. Age is not he most important issue on that. Sex of course is desirable. I'm pretty out of touch on some personal issues and life chemistry. Even magnetics and I'm sure Marge can tell you more about magnets than I can. She is obviously an advanced player as well.

I need some loving space here. It's impossible for me to grow up and learn to date normally. I need to be setup with a new partner in some way and I'm certainly more choosy than I ever have been before. Obviously many cool people out there in all age brackets who I am attracted to. It shouldn't be hard for these people to give me what I want. To set me up with a nice lady so we can see if we get along decently. I haven't had a real decent personal conversation in almost a year now. Yet my politics, music, programming and writing is totally advanced. It's driving me crazy.

I'll leave it at that for now. No spell check proof on this one. I'm exhausted from this. I'm sure a two hour nap will set me straight and I'll be into fun work again or music or figuring out the next food situation or getting another relaxing shower in.

wow.

2025-04-14    13:47:16 PM

Wow, just conflicting emotions and ideas in the moment. Not sure what action to take now....

I've been running my website for 25+ years. As far as I know, Sting has been running his website for about 30 years. The internet says that Amazon and um, perhaps eBay were the two big early adopters to the internet that survived. I think 1994. Google was a 2000 or 2001 thing. Facebook was like 2006. Mine was 1999.

OK, it just seems like my internet thing is a major deal as is my politics.

I feel conflicted about leaving my place. Hauling gear to use the internet. Hauling gear to feel safe in my transgenderism. I've been hauling my computer and shaving supplies with me everywhere I go. I dumped my black knitted purse because it had a sagging quality to it and it became cumbersome with the other bag I take with me.

I'm simply scared.

Scared of being homeless. Essentially raped like that. Fear of physical rape is fairly low because of my feminine nature, but you know, I don't want to be abused. I want to be loved and to love.

Simple, right?

Well, these politics, the writing and everything I do, especially on the internet with this new app, is my work. It's more important than my music. And my music friends have absolutely tortured me in many ways.

So, I am conflicted right now. I love what I've written today and yeseterday and all of it. I just feel amazing. Attracting Alexia is making more and more logical sense. It really is. And it's absolutely true that my mind is kind of latching onto the idea that if I stop pursing her, I may latch onto a woman from the meetings who is almost 70 years old. It's no joke at all. Age like that is really not important to me at all.

It seems like a really old school concept to me now. I'm seeing this younger generation more clearly now. It's making more sense, the interpretations I have of the events the last few years. It's more significant than a simple youth party culture.

I'm working it out. This transgender thing is a massive part of it. It really is. This is no strange illusion. The VP thing seems real as well. Either soon or in 4 years. The moon mission, well, they told me quite a while ago that they had that covered. And it's been back and forth on Mars. It's likely not a thing. I'm ready to do either of course. And even transgender surgery if it comes to that. All those are so crazy out of this world exotic that, well, those ideas are pretty much exhausted and I'm doing my best to not spend time hashing that out now as there seems that I've gone as far as I can with those concepts.

In the moment, I'm kind of under the assumption that the world order needs/wants me to walk a fine line and both be preserved and let go a little bit and have some fun. So, the idea remains that Alexia is perfect for me in this moment. She may just be 17yo and well, I'm just kind of guessing. She may turn 18 and graduate school in a month and a half. There is certainly the probably almost universal fantasy from all of our youths of desiring to leave your parents house to live with a partner permanently away from your parents. To sleep with a wonderful partner every night. To experience love and freedom. And security. Being an adult. The possibility of having a family. Being married. All that.

I get paranoid about it on this level because I'm much older and am likely not viable in a reproductive way. But I'm not 100% sure on that. What has been done to me chemically is fairly exotic. There is the idea that I'm just "blocked" from all this goo substance. Like I said, it's not a crystal type drug. I just don't know. Not sure who I can get a real answer from either. No idea how exotic it is. The name of it, and really the name of all the other medications I've taken, seem to be completely tailored to events in my life. It's just absolutely crazy like that.

So, the concept is that I've been suggesting decreasing population and well, no one really knows for certain whether they can have a child or not. I've heard many common stories of infertility problems, including family members.

So, not sure what Alexia wants. Not sure what I want either in the reproductive sense. I know I want her! I want the childhood fantasy that I described and likely we all want and the majority of us get to experience. I have of couse experienced it quite a lot, but my life is kind of exotic and I've been held back a lot even though I have been living in partnerships for about half of my adult life.

Just saying essentially that the party scene makes sense as does my thing of kind of being on the fringes of it because of my high level politics and work. A lot has been put into me obviously and a flat out, all out party event with me is extremely undesirable. Yet wow, I have to admit that I have a need for a sex companion in my life. And intimate companion.

I had the idea months ago of me playing some kind of intimacy role with people. Kind of like a tour stop of young, mostly women, on a kind of love journey play adult experience. My role is certainly of advanced intimacy.

My policy in it is that, as I've been writing about, if you are with me at my place, it's the two of us and we essentially possess each other her. It's not an abuse thing of course. I'm 100% loving and intimate. The idea with me on that as far as timeline goes, is that if you have some quality that I desire, like Alexia has, this kind of honesty or innocense or whatever this trait is that I find desirable that has nothing to do with age, then you are aces with me and it would most likely be amazing and I'd just want to stay with you forever. So you'd essentially have me as a loving partner, mostly in isolation at my place, until you feel like you want to move on if you do ever feel like you want to move on.

Essentially, I just want to love and be loved, physically and emotionally, and continue to do my mostly at-home work. You'd be next to me seeing me essentially addressing the world through my webiste like this. Like right next to me. Totally possessing me. You can touch me. Look over my shoulder. As me to stop and give you some attention. Bring me some food. Ask me to bring you some food. You've just got me like that!

I just love this idea of possession on that level. It's not a prison thing and it's not a one way thing. We have each other like that. The only real thing I ask of a woman is to not be assertive with me in the bedroom. I'm just not into that at all. Will not accept that at all. If you want to get on top of me or get me to do some fancy sex position with you, well, I'm mostly not into that. You can ask extremely politely. I may be recpetive or not. It kind of goes two ways like that too. I'm a fairly gentle lover. I get really, really passionate, but I respect boundaries and I'm not really kinky at all. That is NOT what my transgender thing is about.

It's just sexy. Yes, a little odd and exotic of course. You know, it's not really kinky to have the masculine partner to not have to ask if she can feel your feet and rub up against you and caress you, right? I'm a lighweight twig and not really all that good at flipping you around like a "strong" man, right? I'm almost petite! It certainly doesn't mean that I'm not incredibly passionate though! You know, you'll know I'm into you!

OK, well, you know. I had one group sex session. I'm not that kind of professional! And I'm not interested in that type of pro-teen!

:-)

I love this little gig of mine :-)

It's just like that. Paradox is very much related to Balance. I'm kinda a mix of old traditional values and youth energy.

And it seems like my work here is damn important politically. It makes sense that some powerful people don't want me to burn out in 60 days. Like 54 years of training, 200 years of intense planning, for a 60 day sex video? I get on board with the logic of it all....

One more thought on the physics of sex with me....

As a woman, I desire mostly missionary sex position. I want to be ravished. I want my man to be really into me. High desire and energy. I want to experience his unique physical features. Some men have large hands! Turn on! Some men have fun beards to feel on your soft neck! Turn on! Some men have a bulky stature and kinda macho masculinity and can move your smaller body around in a fun way! Turn on!

As a man, I want my woman to be mostly passive. Some men are not like that. There seems to be some kind of guilt, or feminism, thing in our culture for women to pursue performing on men. I guess it is a thing with diversity. People like different things.

Maybe I just missed the real sex ed class and I had to do my own research? I asked me dad about the birds and the bees and he told me "hump the bed". Really, that is all I technically learned from my parents. Nothing about dating. Nothing else. There were always Playboy magazines in the house. My mother certainly had an undesirable sexual quality. There was no way I was ever going to wear any of her clothing. They were certainly trying to be sex positive and let us know that!

Sometimes I get the feeling that I simply was born into some fringe pornography role in life. I have stories to tell. It's made me what I am. So what I'm asking for here, the quality of partners and the physical actions, the love, the intimacy. This is my thing. The porn industry is kinda good thing in my book, but wow, it's been totally terrorizing on some levels.

I see myself as a vice-president figure, not a pornography figure. There is a quote in the In-Laws movie that fits this: "You bet, I work for the CIA. The benefits program is great. The key to the benefits program is staying alive."

So, yes, not a prison sentance over here. Not a brothel. Not a video shoot although you know, I am totally public and well, you never know what they are doing. I'm staying mostly in isolation if I have anything to say about it and I can only assume that the people around me are in full support of everything I do because despite all the weird back and forth emotions and shows of crazy poverty and homelessness, I continue to be just amazing and feeling great mostly.

----

Getting presidential again....

Budgets are important people. The forest fire scene in Portland in September 2020 with our having the worst air quality in the world was likely just a planned burn. Right? It wasn't the side-effect of the downturn in work in March and April. not 100% on that, but that summer was not radically hotter than other summers AND I certainly did not notice more lightening.

Not sure what is going on at all. The timing of the pandemic with my political campaigns was very odd. So odd that it is rational to even suggest that I gave the order. It's that fucking weird on my end. Not that my order on that is any personal decision, but wow! This doesn't appear to be some pornography show.

And the kinda spoken word lyric "....and only 4 go to trial". Not sure what that is all about. It can feel like weird T2 Judgment Day for me every day. The same old trial. It may just be emerging post-industrialism like I suggest. Right? Who is four?

for
Lydia Rand, Rachel [ m o t h ]]]

flexing my power I suppose. Looking for intimate love most certainly. Some kind of rational home life that I can accept with someone I can accept. Getting a little help from music secret service type people. Absolutely.

Doing my best. Just one person looking for lunch again. Budgets, right people? If Trump pulls this move on the permanent rationing, then we will have our answer. I assume that the majority of you will not be going to your regular job if you have just one gallon of gas a week, correct?

It really is as easy as that. Like cutting the ribbon at a ground breaking ceremony. What do I know about ceremonies, work and standing at attention?


....not saying that is what is happening right now. We have the power. Fragile. I've put a lot of thought into it in my 20 hour work days this last 2 years. It's a complicated operation. Enough heavy transportation fuel to move food. Stopping a majority of product production. Keeping enough production to keep regular consumables at a reasonable level. Software to handle rationing. Software to handle work schedules and priority workers. New distribution of housing where needed and/or warrented.

2025-04-14    10:41:33 AM

Out of the shower, want to keep this little factoid short as an addendum to the next post....

Ann and I slept in the same bed essentially for 7 years (when I was 22-29). On that level, she is the one who I can recognize the best. They put these clone type people in my environment to confuse me. I really have no concept of what Marge looks like at all. My thing with pursuing Alexia is a "leading edge of life" thing, not the "begging her to take me back" thing. It makes sense, right? I'm sure Marge is amazing. Of course. I just want to be with someone new.

I like this intimate/romantic thing I have going on with this next post....

2025-04-14    10:05:34 AM

So many angles:

The political angle
The space angle
The intimacy angle
The food angle

The health angle
The safety angle
The dig a hole angle
The bury it angle!

The hook the ladder on the wire angle
The wait 20 min 4a shower angle
The Rain Pryor angle
The camping w/old hickory on Little Rock angle

The bother's canned meat from 'round the world angle
The Calvin 'n Hobbs angle
The Hobbit2 variable
The boss hogging all the symbols/abstractions angle

Good morning love! Had some lovely time fantasizing about getting to know the patterns on your feet. Thinking of showing you my bone spurs on mine and little ripple on my right ear. Even with 7 LTRs, none of them have every touched my bone spurs or that place on my ear. Wondering what you have 4 show 'n tell or book report. :-)

Lovely, right?

Not sure what is going on with me today. It's nice out! May take my bass out for a stroll. Got a 20 minute timer going right now.

Occupational hazards. Been watching/observing people in different public facing jobs lately. Cashier, drivers. And looking closely at them to see if I can observe physical and/or mental residuals of repetative work habits. I saw a hunched over cashier the other day, but my observations have been going on for a few weeks now. It's interesting realizing that people have occupational mental patterns.

So, I guess more show 'n tell on my end. Kinda the palm reader thing. My two middle fingers are bent out toward my pinky fingers from holding the trombone and slide. Also not sure if any of my partners observed that close up.

I use Carmex on my lips. I have almost always used the little 1" round containers of it. You could say that is not sanitary putting my index finger in it all the time, but I pluck my bass with that finger. I also coded an industrial machine that fills those containers. Fun project! I likely have a way of underselling myself. I think I made about $10,000 on that gig. I was impressed to see my code making it work correctly!

Am I bragging? Qualifying? Teaching and attracting is how I see it. Mostly 4u, it's attracting. I suppose Ann was my teacher as much as lover/partner when I was young. She was the first woman I slept with alone in the same house. I had just turned 22. We met on the 4^th of July of course. Whatever this is, my life is totally exotic like that.

There is the idea that the Mars mission is not possible for humans because of some kind of technicality. And that brings up the idea again of me going to the moon alone to die. Like the dark side of the moon (far side). In a square room with a monopoly board painted on the floor, a dot trombone in the middle and of course, a glass ceiling :-) Singing Rush songs if I can. And then hanging myself as a spectical for all on Earth to see when the binary moon/Earth system starts Trading Places!

I'm just totally ridiculous like that!

I wasn't getting any IRL dates on the dating sites last fall anyway. I was posting radical theories that and well, it got to the question "What are you really looking for?" So I wrote "Someone who won't bee too disappointed when they send me to the...."

Just trying to attract in a safe/kind way. There is no choice on the exotic nature of it, so you know, it's What it is.

T-6 min to shower time. I had to throw away one of my pink bikini bottoms because it just smelled too bad to survive from the 3 days on the streets experiment I did a few weeks ago. I have no clue how I survived like that for a whole year. I'm hopeful things will turn around in a positive way financially here. It's not like I'm a couch potato.

What do you think my love? Should I be with an older woman? On some level, it really doesn't matter to me. Sweet innocense is the most important thing to me. It doesn't have to be ultra sappy. I get the feeling with my close 28yo transwoman friends of how they are just really honest and open. Really beautiful driven individuals with a mostly calm nature and love of studying science and working on playing music. And their young friends are just friggin amazing. The best idea I have is for us to get together and then hook up with them and their friends and for all of us to move to the VP mansion in DC and then play around with that Naval Observatory telescope that they supposedly use to tune the world clock.

In that kind of scene, or really any kind of scene with me, it's really not an 8 to 5 work situation for any of us. I'm very used to freeform work days and not traveling to an office. I really, really hope that gig happens for me someday. Taking the Marine One helicopter to Camp David and staying there for an extended time. Riding bicycles on those trails. Collie and Nora and their friends with us. Alone time and together time. It would just be amazing.

And of course, we can just fantasy do that in Portland until that happens for real or even if it doesn't materialize exactly like that. Living that lifestyle is where I am at now. Just add a little money and tangible respect to my life and this would all be very easy to do. I'm well developed and it could just be a push of a button. People can immediately make that happen for me/us. All of this little group of us. Some people get into the fame arena early in life. Probably even the majority of people. It's certainly a less than 1% type of thing, but it's a real thing. People are awarded recording contracts and book publishing deals, right? They just write them a big check and see what they can do and then they do their thing with their friends. And it's even easier with me because I'm so well developed that there is likely not much expectation and pressure on me even. They know I'll perform well because it's really all I do! Again, just ridiculous fun!

I guess I'm tempting you :-) Or leading you? Not sure what leading really is like that. I just get the sense that you would work well in this scene. Just spelling it out what this scene is. If I have my way, this is it. People can say yes or no to it. Trump is a person too like that! Do you believe the stories about him when he was 30 years old? I kind of reviewed my notes on what his history is supposed to be from what I've read about him and came to the conclusion that yes, his story is likely just like they say it is. I'm sure with some hidden details.

But the idea that he borrowed a million dollars from his dad and started his business venture in his 20's I guess. And then that progressing through learning the ins and outs of all those business problems including bankruptcy and lawyers.

Then it progressing to a higher level where he had more compentent people around him so that he could have more time to do higher level work. And that leading into his reality teaching show. And that then leading him to the presidency. It makes sense, right?

Kind of ironically, my story is similar. Although my involvement with business is not on the end his was, I have been running my own software business (just me essentially) for almost 2 decades. I'm about at the age now that he likely was when he was getting into his Apprentice show.

Anyway. And I have the military angle like George W. Bush. In a different way of course. But you know, I have the ego boost of having played improvised jazz trombone for Admirals and presidents. And the car spaceshit experiences. It goes on and on of course. Just saying this is a real thing over here.

Oh, I'll just pay $100 and run for US Rep. Is that the VP on the phone? Or is it e-mail?

I kinda do a public email thing. Sting doesn't have his number on his site either. Once in a while I send him a video....

I'm kind of out on a limb going for a girl like you. I have met women of all ages in the last few years who are interesting, but you are at the very top of the list right now. And certainly some people are very, very against me pursuing you. Just saying that the age thing is just one part of this thing. I have ideas of probably 5 women who would be nice to be with. Really all about 10 years apart in age to ranging to even almost 70 years old. I'm just exotic like that with an ego that is well developed and more interested in intimacy and attraction for lack of a better word. I think you are beautiful! And of a temperment that I can get on board with as are all the women on this short theoretical list of mine. As I say on the dating sites "You should see the girls I swipe left on!"

OK, overdue for the shower....

2025-04-14    04:39:51 AM

Good morning dear! I went out to ice cream at 2am. I'm super stressed out. I'm going to try to get a little more sleep now. Likely going to the store this morning to upload the writing I did this weekend. It probably gets distributed as I write it, but it makes me feel better moving the files off my computer.

OK, breath! If that was you in the car the other day, you may be doing better than me. My work is shining. Very happy about a lot of that. But the long days sure are frustrating. And of course world politics on my shoulders. It's a weird idea all of it, but you know, it's just one day today and I can only do too much.

If you want to be with me, wow, that would be amazing. I need some help of just someone like you physically at my side. I think it will really help, but I'm not totally sure even. Questioning everything is part of my job.

I said it the other day. Sorry about my pink shaving cream use if that is a turn-off for you. I quite the "man" stuff a couple years ago. I'm willing to make some compromises if you enter my life, but until then, I'm remaining as true to my solitary feminine nature as I can. You are certainly some kind of exotic dream girl in my world, not a trophy wife thing. Some people have some weird concepts out there. The idea that women don't like being seen as sex objects seems incredibly weird to me. I certainly hope you see me as an object and even sex object. I'm totally intimate and loyal. Partners. We possess each other. I'm completely yours and you are completely mine when we are together. You can leave, like physically out the door, and then we are not entirely together. If we are in the same room, as a couple, then it's just the two of us. That's the way I roll with relationships.

Of course I am into personal boundaries as well. I certainly have my boundaries with some willingness for compromise. Intellectualism is certainly a thing over here :-) Hopefully a better place to live soon too. This place is nice on a lot of levels, but wow, I was going through intense character assination last summer and was fairly desperate to find a place to move into that was less than $4,000/month. All in all, this place has been great! A little odd with neighbors moving in and out of the same "unit" several times a week. It's totally irrational of course and MUST be some kind of secret service activity.

It's to be expected. But mostly, I'm just home doing my methodical work. And making wonderful solo music in different styles and temperments.

OK, more rest hopefully....

2025-04-13    20:12:48 PM

I can appreciate the idea that some people may find me obnoxious or may be against some of the things I say and do.

And that I may seem like I'm begging some of the time. Especially around the music issue. I'm just throwing out the reminder here that I have made 100% of my money doing computer work for 25 years. That's a long time folks and I play extremely well as a highly trained, former professional musician. Please don't place too much expectations on me musically. My job is most certainly different politically than Sting's job was. I call myself [ m o t h ] to make that distinction. I see it as the Thing 2 position and it's not a simple clone thing.

The politics are a big deal to me and where this is all going may be very, very intense politically. It's incredibly hard on me personally, but of course I am way used to it. Please address me with she/her as well. My ID says Female and I am NOT changing that. There is some masculine element in me that is just plain missing and that is part of my perceived world representative gig. My post just one or two down from this thoroughly describes the situation and importance/power of my feminine nature.

I can't control you of course. You'll use whatever pronouns with me that you will and I've always mostly respected that. I don't like putting my pronouns all over everything. Not into that practice. I put it out there once in a while and as a presidental figure if you are addressing me with my last name, Rand is fine and of course I love to be addressed with Ms Rand. I of course dislike this heavy commander in chief military thing. Totally on board with it of course, but still, of course it is undesirable. I've said I'm in support of President Trump and all that. I'm convinced we work as a team like that. Perhaps we are just letting it all out in the open that this is not a democracy like some people may think it is. We MUST do what we can with the materials we have on Earth. If we can't do it, then all the democracy in the world won't do a dang thing. Although I have traveled a lot, you'd have to travel just a huge amount to have a grasp on the real numbers out there. The top people in the world have been doing this for at least a couple centuries. It's unreal how many of us have traveled a ton. Wow!

2025-04-13    16:14:57 PM

Look people, I'm going to get all presidential on you here....

One of the problems with stealing at the store is inventory. If you steal something, then inventory is incorrect, right? It's not like they go down the isle with graph paper checking things off on a list anymore. You know, I'm old enough to remember that.

Inventory matters. Budgets matter. Limits matter. Those things matter even slightly more than the money itself in my world. Perhaps in our future world.

2025-04-13    16:07:21 PM

yet another thought here I want to express on my "site" that I haven't expressed publicly yet....

In doing a life review of my family relationships and essentially my whole friend/neighborhood environment growing up, it's realy (spelling always counts) both of my grandmothers who I identify with and want to be like.

My mom's mother Margurite is the obvious favorite of the two. She was fairly slender in a pear shaped way and short kinda petite. Ultra calm and respectful, clean and a painter. I would try on her hose and knee length dresses (not skirts) when I stayed the night and that was just an amazing feeling. My environment growing up was almost entirely masculine and my mother, and my neighbors mother, was not a good relief from that. It just got ultra-worse in high school with the masculine driven jazz music and gambling.

My dad's mom Ruth is someone who I have been appreciating more and more the last few days. She was kind of tall and had a straight figure. Definitely one of those "blue hair" people. Who knows? They may have even been coloring their hair or perhaps it was the Permanent thing they did with those rollers. I have seen her with those rollers in her hair! Definitely a nod to Rush! :-)

But Ruth reminds me in a positive way of one of my transwoman girlfriends who I had an absolute blast dating for several months years ago. Same kinda build and look going on. But grandoma Ruth was a, well, ultra-worrier type. Completely shakey. Said she had diabetes. Kind of pretty shakey older lady in her 60's. Liked eating those sugar wafer bars. Always had tissues around! Played a lot of solitaire games with decks of cards. Red lipstick. Pale complexion. Medium breasts.

In somewhat of a contrast, grampa Charlie came off as the typical Archie Bunker character. Always using racial slurs. People said he drank a lot and that made sense, but I don't know that I ever saw him drink. He was shorter and was bald on top. I found him to be fairly gross and certainly didn't want to be like him (I was named after him, but I was always addressed as Rand).


I'm Rand like that. I've heard people refer to Ayn Rand as simply Rand. Definitely saw Neil write of her like that. I'm Rand through and through and essentially live the Anthem story in real life. You can call my Lydia. It's essentially the same thing to me. This all makes sense to me on that level.

Ann was my first partner (well, first partner when I became an adult, Jenn was my true first partner, but I don't count her as an LTR and Marge is definitely my first partner as our relationship lasted over 2 years, but we were both really young and never lived together on our own). She is amazing through and through. I'm certainly Rand with that Anthem story going on and am likely not going back to Ann in any real capacity. There was a moment at the coffee shop by the club years ago....

I was sitting at the coffee bar sipping my mocha looking ultra clean and sexy in my presidential feminine attire doing my rope braiding and math or something and someone who resembled an ultra-feminine cool Ann sat next to me. I have no idea if it was her or not. I suspect it was not her (they have a way of introducing these clone type people in my environment to make me confused as part of my job). It could have been her though! I felt incredible next to her of course. Then the thought lately, from having seen video and actually in a video conference with her (high probability it was her) in her more traditional appearance, of wanting me to detransition to the point I was at when I was with her. As some kind of acknowledgement that this whole thing was forced on me.

The problem I have with that is that this is me through and through. I have no detransition masculine concept. As I described earlier, it goes way earlier than Ann. People who I was in high school with may not know the whole story. But they certainly must have noticed how I never wore jeans. I wore those ultra-thin (both thickness and size) polyester slacks. (no maniacs in polyester slacks just the facts!) Love that line! Totally my story.

I'm sure the same story as every looney on the street corner, right? Fake LLC home-less-ness.

.... I just go on and on....

Also, a few years ago at the club.... I had an evening, again in my gray miniskirt and gray business cardigan (presidential attire), where two older women sat next to me in the kinda front row place I normal sat next to the leader of the group. The older looking, more haggard woman on my right who offered me a piece of gum and I accepted. Just amazing woman who I was and am highly attracted to. And then on my left, I would say it is likely she was Neil's wife Carrie. Both completely amazing and the three of us sat there through that meeting in just complete elegance and pride for lack of a better word. Really not much sexual intent stuff going on. Just three strong women there. Of couse me the transwoman in the middle, so not exactly like three women. Really, it's just even so much stronger feminine with three characters like us in that format. Just flat out amazing feminine energy.

What do I care about age? Is it just a number? Feminism? Masculinity? Who do you think I am?


Just saw some of the credits go by. Shingo's grandmother's actress' first name is Mitso and last name starts with Yama...

What a lovely couple! I love that scene!

2025-04-13    15:05:52 PM

There is all this weird torture stuff with me about beer and peanuts. I'm trying to not avoid food, but obviously I'm hugely avoiding alcohol. Memories of conversations with Sam about it all is incredible torturous to me.

On many, many levels, I do not care about how long I live. I'm fairly old like that and mostly dislike alcohol and intoxicating drugs. Coffee may be the bean of the cocaine plant. Then again, it may be just like I am saying about it being the outer layer of rice.

The transgender medication spiro that I take (remember I coded a slinky on the streets in 2004) is more like a cum tablet than a crystal drug. It may be human cum, or it may be bull cum (our water supply here is called the Bull Run). My thoughts are that they have at least stashed enough coffee and this tablet for me and a few others. My gut is rock solid and this "medication" is very rough on the stomach. The little bit of alcohol I consumed months ago was enough to tear down quite a bit of my interior lining, but it is still doing fabulously well.

----

I guess I'm saying that I'm masculine to the point of having a female partner and regular sexual experience with her, but not masculine enough to change my ID/birth certificate and join the brotherhood or kingdom or whatever you want to call all that. Ironically, I get the feeling that the Christian community may be totally on board with everything I am saying and doing and the liberal community may not be. And the liberal community may just be the drug community. And hippie community or whatever.

I really don't know on a lot of levels. I see myself as a world representative like that. I'm kinda a part of all communities and cultures and then not a part of any of them. I awoke one time yesterday to the thought that I am "self-humiliating". For me, it's just a feeling of being tortured by others, mainly financially. I'm sure your experience of me is much different than my experience of me and well, I'm obviously highly trained to be doing what I am and on that level, I'm doing a job and want to be paid. I don't give a crap about being rich, but wow, I should definitely be paid for this work. I feel like I'm in some high level sports game and should be paid a few million for this years work and then have a fairly humble retirement.

2025-04-13    14:40:10 PM

Good afternoon my audience! I've always considered my website my stage, so that part of this feels great.

Q: Would you like to hear the story of the counterculture and their counterparts?

Uh, I woke up from a little nap a few minutes ago to another one of those distressing ideas. I'm just feeling tons of tension and pushback on my feelings and actions towards Alexia. Sorry about this, on all sides.

There are all these crazy signs around this place I live with me walking by. I'm in my normal transgender appearance getting off of the bus next to a negative "human sex trafficing sign". I had some odd fantasies about how that kind of thing would work a few months ago. Athough I am certainly a huge consumer of pornography, I really don't get into the fantasy of it very much. Not sure how it all works, I really don't. I typically wind up paying for videos that I then download and watch over and over. I have my favorite 4 or 5 scenes that I will use to find some physical relief and that typically takes about 5-10 minutes. Then I feel much better and I can get a work session in. A full day work session.

Some of my partners (I like calling my female companions partners, I think I learned that from Ann), complained of pain during intercourse. Not sure what it was about, but that was a thing with Ann. We didn't have sex on our wedding night and then had sex (intercourse) about 6x in the following 7 years. It was always a terrible experience for me. How can you be good at something you do once a year?

Patty was similar, but I enjoyed sex with her much more. We didn't have sex much either because she complained about the pain thing. But she died a couple years later, so I understand that.

I guess I understand it with Ann too. I really am quite clueless about this biological function. I actually have a lot to say about it.

----

Uh, so my proposed solution ("propose" is one of my political terminologies that I adoped many, many years ago) is that if I give up on the idea of being with Alexia, then can the world "find" me a suitable replacement who is about 6 years older? The idea is that she is actually underage. In some ways, her being underage is a test of my political power. The thought is of us getting together and talking it over. "Should we be concerned about this age difference? If you are under 18yo and we have sex, will they send me to jail? Should I be concerned about that? Are you concerned with me going to jail over it? Is the age difference too much for you to handle?"

Things like that. There is the angle that my having sex at all is bad for my health and longevity. I simply do not know. If it is a problem and the world is against me being with anyone, then what do we do next? Am I to remain celebate in isolation for the rest of my life? That would actually be acceptable for me. I'd appreciate some cooperation on the matter. I'd like to hear back from Social Security on my SSD application. With SSD and my apartment/home paid for, then my food situation will be a lot better and I can, well, maybe calm down a bit and feel better about the work I am doing.

Maybe the idea is that whatever I do, my energy is going to drop significantly and my work quality will decline? The writing work I've done in this place the last month should like pay me a few million as far as I'm concerned. The quality has been high and so has the torture angle.

Of course there is the other concepts (the idea that I'm simply a jerk or whatever) with how I absolutely will not play music with my old "friends". You don't just torture people musicially and sexually like I have been through for decades (since returning to the PNW) and expect me to turn around. I've chased that ghost way too many times. There is no love there with this idea of playing music with people. Especially people I used to play music with. I'm sorry about that! I really am. I think you are all wonderful people and I will go on and on talking about your good qualities because wow, on some level, you have all just been so nice to me (do I sound like a rapist?).

It's weird. Post-industrialism starting in seven days? What are the odds?

2025-04-13    11:49:19 AM

Wow, intense feelings at the store this morning.

This whole 4-20 Easter thing apparently. My life at this point is just one gigantic gamble and I, well, hate that, or really just don't know what to say about it.

I can certainly write a lot about it which is probably what is needed from me right now. Kinda like the philosophy of being a guinea pig in a cage again. "What is it like Guinea pig?" How do we get the qunatum data out of this being?

So, my life is just intense out on a limb stuff. My innocence on display. Desiring a woman at least as innocent as I am and it's a dang tall order. And the worry, yes, legitimate worry that she will remain relatively innocent for the rest of her life. Not just my life because really she would not be innocent enough for me if she just hung on that long. It's a lifetime deal for me.

The shining light in this is that I feel like I have met plenty of people, really of all ages, who have a similar level of innocence. It's essentially honesty. Rigorous honesty.

Is it going out of style? Am I just a weaker limb of the human race ready to be erradicated? Or are we humans going to do what I am suggesting politically? Next weekend? Next year? In 4 years?

Hence the gamble of it all. Perhaps it is just a show to Alexia of where I am at so she can understand my honesty in it? I don't know. What can I do? I'm just going to be myself and do the best with what I have.

I think one of the main ideas is that this type of fame has a torture end to it. Although this may be the top of the fame game, I don't think it is too radically different than other famous people. At least some of them. I suppose it is another kind of coming out moment. I'm completely resistant to a public show type coming out. I've resisted it at least twice in the last 7 months. I hate the religious angle of it even though I think I understand it fairly well. In normal times, it seems like the president would submit to this community thing. And perhaps most citizens are forced to. That's not how I am interpreting my life and this situation.

It's just like I describe it on this site. There is nothing more I can do but keep pressing forward with my/this agenda. If I am the top leader of the world or even US, then it must be my agenda and not my neighbor or the mayor here or whoever.

This innocent quality that I describe and feel isn't anything too radical. I've just been exposed to a lot of strong characters. I get a lot of secret service feedback and people in my environment saying/suggesting "grow up". It's fucking totally torturous for me. It's not specific enough for starters and likely even if it were specific would be nothing that I would take action on.

Look, if this is about me creating some song with lyrics, or playing with other musicians, you can all go fly a kite because that is not happening. That is not where my heart is at the moment and that is not what my politics are about, at all.

I am about having a lovely relationship with a younger woman though. And I'm totally intimate and romantic about it. And I'm not perfect and my place is not absolutely perfect despite all the work I do to keep it nice.

Essentially, I'm scared. I really am. This is extremely weird. I have no family and friends essentially, yet all the signs in the city are triggers of the names of all the people I grew up with doing music. Including some of the street names. It's reasonable to assume they want me to come out of my shell. Essentially grow up. But I will not do that. Got it?

I think they know this. They would attempt to draw me into some family party gather situation, yet I'll be a total loser in that situation. It would destroy me psychologically. Completely.

That's why I do what I do.

It's absolutely true that I need a lovely young white lady to experience being with me mostly alone. And then us likely moving on to some nicer place to live. I wouldn't say that I'm "praying" for that. It is my intent and my logic. I don't control other people and I continue to do my work and try to maintain my health.

Perhaps I should just get 7 sheet of card stock and cut them with the cutter at the office shop instead of getting a traditional deck of cards? I fucking hate the whole gambling thing. Things were much better in high school when the gambling thing went away. Of course I was just in a scene with groupie type people then, so who wouldn't like that? I like games and all, but the masculine gambling thing just does not work for me. And neither does masculine band music. It's why I play solo now. And go to women's meetings. I'm not doing those men's meetings. I'm not joining the "male kindgom". I essentially don't want to be president because of that and again, that is why VP is the better gig for me. Put me up there with Collie, Nora and a nice young female partner for me and whoever they want as friends as long as it is a fairly small, low key group. That's what I want as a leader in this thing and that is my gamble in the thing.

I essentially will go back to the streets or just survive with what handout I can get to dig into that way of life. If my politics matter at all to people, then this is the way I want to do my life. You could call it my office or my cabinet. Of course I could get all professional office on it too and do a little management of other people in DC. Research teams and things like that. I certainly wouldn't dedicate whole days to that though. Mostly I want to be with Collie and Nora and a nice female partner. I describe that situation thoroughly down this page.

OK, I'm scared and frustrated! Obviously. I hate to say it, but I hope Alexia (if that is her name) is a little scared too. This is an odd event! If post-industrialism starts in 7 days, then well, that would make a lot of sense. If it doesn't, well it's just confusing.

OK, enjoying my six string bass again of course. No internet here. Not sure what to do about food again. I'm doing my best folks. Not going to spell check/proof this post.

2025-04-13    09:30:32 AM

* "they" tend to say to "not take yourself too seriously". I guess the keyword is "too", but you know, our USA culture may be slightly different than other places around the world. I tend to take my trombone warmup very seriously every dang time as well as doing almost anything else. I'm not perfect, but I certianly try to be perfect. I make mistakes and take them seriously as well. I could stop learning and simply meditate. I even take that choice seriously and find myself thinking about that a lot....

2025-04-13    09:19:12 AM

It's difficult for me to have to make this post now. It's certainly part of my job as I see it....


Bear with me on the Alexia, not about you here, these other posts today are totally about you....

Uh, So yesterday had a weird AA vibe to it being 4-12 and now today, Sunday 4-13 with next Sunday being 4-20. I was going over some of my drug history thoughts last night before going to sleep and then poured over my highlighted sections and notes in the 12x12 just a few minutes ago after consuming a tuna sandwich on lightly toasted dark rye bread with that likely black strap molassas stuff that turns it that color. The normal molassas isn't enough to do that; I've tried.

So, I most certainly identifiy with being the "super promoter" type described in I believe Tradition 4. I employ the "don't get paranoid" tactic on the rest of that story in the book and skip to a later section I highlighted that basically says AA, or any organization, cannot survive without some promotion. Since AA is based on "attraction, not promotion", the only good way of handling the promotion end is to have a few promoters (like those big time speakers) and even a super promoter like me. I really think I'm a step above the average speaker! It's the kind of attitude/ego you need to carry out the super-promoter gig.

=^.^=

So....

The story goes that I was 16yo and Sam said he could get us some pot or my brother said he could get us some pot. So I had the Rbbit and they got me to drive them to this kinda duplex house place in inner SE Portland. When we went in their place, the coffee table was right inside the door with the traditional couch to the right of it. On the table there were some baseball size chunks of what they called crystal meth. They had a jagged shape and were a whitish yellow color. I think two baseball sized pieces and one smaller piece with them slicing off some chunks or whatever.

(Around the same time, I showed up at my brother's apartment on NW Flanders and 19^thish and he had a stack of acid sheets about 3" high. He grew up kinda early and I'm still kinda a little girl inside. I don't have much "muscle" in the men's business world.)

I could see the dollar signs pop up in my younger brother's eyes! He was like 14 years old, likely living in his own apartment doing a bike messenger gig. Sam was Sam. Who knows, right?

And then there was me. Well, no pot here, right? Can we go to Taco Time and pick up a six pack of those tacos they make with the shells they fry up on site in the morning and the tastey finely ground beef that they likely lard up with some medium or sharp cheddar cheese and then go play a friendly game of Space Invaders?

In an AA meeting, it's pretty typical for people to ask me "Do you even consider yourself an alcoholic?" My answer is yes and my sponsor, Delcina, and grandsponsor, Charlize, can definitely back that up along with a few other, mostly transgender and intersex people.

What can I say? I ate a computer chip when I was 21yo instead of goihg to the bar? ILt took a couple months to digest it, but then Ann and her sister Rita May came into my life with their CompUSA connection with the $1,000 black and white laser printer and Roland SC-GM devices. My favorite part was the file system!

But then the Mark of the Unicorn and Mackie 1402 came into my life in 1999 and then I was in my not-for-profit business! Ann gave me her blessing by giving me permission to have an affair and then humiliating me sexually on Y2K! I was like "I'm not that kind of gurl!"

Hence AA Tradition 3 was confirmed yet again. "Someone is a AA member when they declare that they are." and "AA " (going to look up the formal syntax on this one (I've certainly got it highlighted) "Nor ought AA membership ever depend on .... conformity." (there is another section that is worded even better with the same message, but not finding it now))

Other highlighted sections in the 12x12 of mine:

1) Him and all the others he had helped.
2) above all, he wanted to get well.
3) Overjoyed, the newcomer....
4) Jealously guards the individual's right....
5) HOPE
6) TO EAT, REPRODOCUE, AND BE SOMEBODY IN THE SOCIETY OF HIS FELLOWS (my notes: well, to eat, have sex, and work) - my notes on next page: this all gets very political....
7) We cannot declare AA such a closed corporation that we keep our knowledge and experience top secret. (essentially my job as a super promoter I believe)
8) We pay them well and they earn what they get (usually some kind of real thing other than money itself)
9) Children of chaos, we have tried every bRand of fire....
10) "Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group provided that as a group, they have no other affiliation."


I was essentially ejected from the groups in Novemeber 2023. Likely for being too ego-centric or non-conforming. They all knew of my background though and there are many, many lovely people there. I wonder what they were thinking then and what they are thinking now of my actions.

It's kind of like the Anthem story again. I brought an introvert group concept to the GSO in kind of the more classical AA description of the super-promoter and was rejected after a month of deliberation and was told in the beginning "This request of yours is highly ilregular." Fair enough.

They suggested I go to some meetings and I did attend many virtual meetings and then at least one in person womens meeting (my ID says Female on it, my advice is to not go to a womens meeting unless invited (like I was) and then also having your ID say Female). It's my same reasoning for NOT going to a mens meeting. I assume that the odds would be close to 100% that I would be the only person in the mens meeting who has been raped and spent a year mostly sober on the streets doing engineering math.

.... so, for the last several months, in the Anthem story tradition, I've felt like I've escaped to the forest with the brotherHOOD fellowship tracking me down and my ultra sweet-feminine love interest wandering after me. (I see Tracy smiling now with Shingo's grandfather saying "ringa ringa?" oh, the telephone! Shingo? See!)

2025-04-13    06:52:26 AM

.... if you do show up (trust me, it's ultra secure here), you can put on the headphones. I'll leave the speakers on. Meditative stuff. At least for today. The "coupler" connection on the headphone cord is loose, so if the sound is not perfect, just jiggle the wire a bit. I'll have to research getting a better one. I've been tracking down the problem for a few weeks and believe that is the main problem. At least I know that it is a problem or the weak spot. It's obviously much more loose than the other connections.

Sound is amazing of course, so one little loose connection isn't that big a deal for a home studio setup! New pair of headphones and cup for you next it. I'm just kinda romantic and hopeful like that. And exclusive. Both sealed and waiting for the "right" person. It's not pressure. Other people are acceptable to be with, but I tend to focus on one person at a time and the loyalty thing is a big deal to me.

I may go out to track down some better food items. I'll likely be outside cooking more as the weather turns, so you know, today is a day too. =^.^=

2025-04-13    06:36:13 AM

It's OK my dear....

My gut feeling now is that this is not about a Mars mission for me and likely not a moon mission either.

It's probably just emerging post-industrialism. And I/we are just the key element in this turning point in history.

It's crazy for us of course. My feeling is that Cynthia was/is Sting's partner and when he was rocketed to ultra-famous status, Cynthia was young and the way she is (which is beyond incredible) is a result of that fame early in life.

And I had to be the way I am with my age and wisdom to be able to perform my job. A big part of my job and place in this is the innocense and honesty of course and the attraction to a much younger woman is part of that. It's exotic of course. For both of us.

And on some level, I really don't know who I am attracting. Of course I know, right? Of course we know. But we do have some kind of decisions to make. Sometimes it feels like I'm not making decisions though. It's easy to control people like this. It works by them giving you a clear cut option that is the best. Why would I turn that down?

And on that level, it's just all really so nice. I don't know what will happen. What I do know is that at my core, I'm just like anyone else. I'll be consuming some food today unless I decide to fast for my health. I'll get some work done and take some breaks. I'll move my body and some of it will be for transportation.


Things are very protective around me. It doesn't seem like it a lot of the time, but it is. It says on my door that I have not had a visitor since last May, right? (it also says that the door is unlocked, just walk in, open the door, you'll see) It's absolutely true. I'm alone and available like that. And just ultra sweet.

Whether I am here in the moment or not, it's safe here. Completely safe. These pictures are what you see at my place. Even with my work gear on the other side of town, it still looked like this. I often sleep on the futon in the couch position. I almost always sleep in my clothing because of my extensive street life training. I love clothing! My clothing is feminine, but pretty basic. Two mid length sweater dresses. Pink bikini tops and bottoms. Two more everyday bras. My wool like cotton socks. My yoga lounge pants. My feminine riding tights and riding jacket that has he nice thin hourglass shape. Colorful tight fitting long and short sleeve tops.

Funny. A pair of "blue suede" high heel sandals I picked up on the streets yesterday :-) I wore them for about 30 minutes. Pretty ridiculous! Just too tall and I normally don't wear blue. I also have my two fancy Wrath of Khan short sweater minidresses and the identical pink one. One of the tan ones has a "moth" hole in it! :-) I use the three of them together as an extension for my pillow.

My bicycle gets stored in the closet. It's perfect here of course.

My espresso machine is in the meditation room with it. On the floor on my wood meditation board. My 2.2lbs coffee bag says "Reserva" on it. I do think we have stashed a bunch of food around the world. I do not think the USA is too terribly unique. I'm trying to get back to a more sane diet. I'll be working on that today.

Perhaps life will become a little more sane on the personal level? I hope so. Barrack Obama is right. Hope is a great word. I hope my wonderful things are here when I get home. I can build the tightest security in the world, but it still can all be taken away. I turned the firewall off on my computer a few months ago. My computer is still doing what I want it to do, so I'm happy with that. Perhaps you have $13.95 for a screwdriver set? I don't have that, but it would be helpful at the moment. Money is important on the accounting/budget level. And on other levels as well, but what we need to do in this moment of history is more important than the money and where/how we got it. Limited budgets is a key concept right now. I get paranoid like people have been doing this kind of lifestyle for years and years.

In any case. I've obviously done enough work to be treated better financially. It's OK>, right? correct? affirmative

2025-04-13    04:07:45 AM

Good morning again love, I'm obviously in prolific writing mode. I love this work....

I like to point out that my transwoman dressing style is my thing and not how I expect or even want women to dress around me. I feel amazing the way I am. There are so many feminine styles that would simply not work for me and they are amazing! It's a "you do you" type thing. Be your best self. True to yourself. Find something you like and "adopt" it. If you enjoy something and adopt it, you'll likely feel good and that is what really counts and shows most likely.

I simply do not have any tangible masculine style ideas going on anymore. I never really did much masculine behavior on purpose. I don't necessarily hide my masculinity.

With my "male junk" showing, it's really just a thing of, well, I see it as feminine. There is nothing practical I can do about it. I enjoy tight fitting feminine clothing. Tight size 6 dresses are my groove. I figure that women can't really hide their breasts/boobs, so my male stuff is kinda like a feminine thing like that. I realize it can be a sexual turnoff though, so sorry about that. I'm trying to do a little better with that these days. I evolve through time like that. I seriously doubt I'll evolve in a traditional masculine way. Perhaps socially/romantically/sexually, but certainly not stylistically.

It's like how I say that I mostly just want to be respected to do my thing at home with being in my heels and doing my music/writting gigs. I don't particularly like flaunting out in public. It feels like it is a professional requirement for me right now, so I'm doing my best to accept this phase of my life. My work has certainly gotten better, but I wouldn't say all the tension is what is better about it. Without all the hard work, the mostly isolated hard work, all the confidence and whatever this is would not be working so well.

There is no getting around it. The time commitment of learning. No one can do your learning for you. You can be forced into it, but ultimately, you are the one doing the action. Inspiration is a weird thing. Where to find the energy? The desire to study and work? Where to find the time? How to afford the time?

2025-04-13    03:31:03 AM

Good morning love, did you get some good rest?

I awoke to the thought "The Zen community says Tom Cruise". So that makes some sense to me as a direction for posting today. I'll get to that in this post, but there are other thoughts to get to as well.

----

There is this idea of a $1,400 IRS stimulous going around. I guess I'm going to skip filing. I applied for SSD which is Social Security Disability. I certainly do not see myself as disabled in a traditional sense.

My logic on it is that if my book is not selling, then well, that is the absolute best thing I can do. This book is outragously cool. I was just in stitches again reading it last night. It always makes me happy reading my book. I've produced 3 physical coil bound copies of it and one single page printing of it. I gave one coil bound copy to Taylin months ago and I left the single side copy in a plastic bag laying on the streets. I still have the other two nice coil bound copies. I'll do the Grace Lee Whitney thing and number them now. #2 and #3.

So, again, if society is going to insist on not buying my book and put me through all of this, then I am claiming SSD on the grounds of PTSD, Political Insanity and Rape. I submitted my application on March 8^th, so I'm just waiting on that. When I got it in 2006, the process took about 3 months and there wasn't much said about it. Money just showed up in my account like I said in my first book that I wrote in 2018.

I figure that the $1,400 isn't going to do much for me and they can just keep that. I need the ongoing thing.

Other options I have. I made $132,000 in 2022 coding software. I still code software everyday, so if there is any need for legitimate software coding, I can mostly likely still make 6 figures doing that from home. I tell these companies that I'm even willing to work in their office as long as they have a shower there.

I'm most likely going to march back into PSU and apply for their honorary degrees again. I should have an honary degree in music and math. I inquired with them about it in like 2018 or even earlier and it seemed like they had a complicated process for it. I had the feeling that you know, to get an honorary degree you need a level of fame and they likely just come to you. But they do have a process for that and you know, that process may be to get you up to speed with that missing key element that people learn in college. I likely know what their little key element(s) are already, but my problem is that I don't know which one(s) it is. I have a lot of theories and they are likely not all correct.

I'll certainly do their little process now unless millions of dollars just suddenly show up. Why not?

Then again, it seems like the work that I do here is dang important and I don't know what real good it will do. Is it a form of "joining community"? What am I trying to get out of it? More respect on my resume? I'd love to teach a college trigonometry class. You know, show up with my bass and trombone. People/students filter in as I'm playing. Then I start telling my street stories about math. I'm sure I'd be so animate and articulate (trombone is an articulate thing with how you have to tongue every note) that I can reach a significant number of people with how trigonometry works in a week or two. For someone who wants to learn trigonometry, I can actually teach them most of it in an afternoon. It really is that simple. But I certainly didn't grasp it from the way I was taught at Clark Community College in 1991! I struggled with it and failed to get it. I got a C in the course I think. Maybe a B. It didn't make sense to me how it was taught. I absolutely know I can do a much better job.

Why people have not been backing me up in my desire to teach that course over the years is beyond me. It's not like this is a new idea at all. I even made that "presidential" math lesson video in 2014.

Why am I broke and afraid of winding up on the streets again? I do not get it at all.

----

OK, next....
The Tom Cruise subject or the AA subject? Ah, I'm going to do the AA subject next.

My problem with attending AA groups now is that I see them as a community like that hippie community in Easy Rider. With how they do that camera circle thing. The ending of an in-person AA meeting is exactly like that. It's actually pretty powerful and moving. I've had some tender moments experiencing that.

But I'm not into being a permanent part of that AA tradition. Again, I'm firmly choosing the community lifestyle of the old geezer guy and his amazing Catholic Mexican wife (and children) over that hippie scene. It's all kind of messed up politically because we live in just dang odd times in my opinion. I can write books on the subject and well, you'll see me going on and on about the psychology here.

That hippie scene contrasts with the next scene with the more red neck kind of thing. I'd say that is a more traditional USA upbringing, even in the cities. It was certainly more like how I was raised than the hippie commune scene. I'm not into that either though. I see it as old school stuff and well, everything human technically goes back to the farm anyway. You are either hunting by going all over the Earth in search of valuable things, or you are cultivating. I'm just firmly on the farming side with a lovely family life and sparce human interaction.

Again, this is a community thing and goes back to my relationship with AA as a self-declared member of AA. I went to them with my little introvert group format and was rejected by them. I still declare that I am a member even though they rejected me (technically rejected 2-3 times), but wow, they really press my buttons with that. I'm simply grateful to have been born into an AA family and had the gift of sobriety given so freely to me at such a young age. It didn't keep me chemically sober my whole life, but boy, mentally sober is what it is mostly about. You can argue that I'm a work-a-holic and there is a lot of truth to that. I'm not trying to get out of doing more productive work for society. I code friggin industrial machines folks. I'm not a simple web developer. I'm a true engineer AND advanced musician with just about 9 college credits. I've had the Law of Cosines memorized for 20+ years. I seriously doubt that the majority of people you see out there who look like they are homeless can sing a G on the spot and recite the Law of Cosines. I actually challenge anyone to come into my place and do that.

Is coding industrial machines relevant? Well, you are all driving cars, right? If all the engineering is a thing of the past (don't reinvent the wheel), then a massive amount of us should simply be unemployed, which is a wonderful idea. This dove tail joints back to Political Insanity of course.

----

So, now for the more supposedly more fun Tom Cruise topic!

Adrianna said she had met Tom Cruise and John Travolta. She said she was trained at the Scientology college in England for 5 years.

I think I've watched 3 Tom Cruise movies:

Risky Business
Rain Man
The Color of Money

All excellent movies of course. Really, all three of these are fabulous, incredible movies and it should be no surprise that these are the three that I know.

The thought yesterday was about the grey Porche 944 in Risky Business. My nextdoor neighbor growing up, Mert, had one of these and a 914. He also had a speed boat with a kind of Roling Stones logo on the back that had the word "Exhausted" on the back! It was a radically cool design and boat! He was an engine engineer supposedly. A kind of swinging permanant bachelor type person. I didn't spend much time with him though.

One day when I was 15yo, I think I went out on his boat with him. I don't remember the boat ride much, but yeah, the memory is there. It was more about the Porche 944 that day. He had me drive it myself, no one else in the car, from the dock to the some parking lot that was quite a distance away. It was an exotic thing! That stick shift was radically fun to use! I was trained on the VW Rabbit. Who know? It may even be the same car they had in Risky Business. It was just like that and that is the best Porche design in my opinion.

The 914 was interesting too. Kinda the prelude the the 944 design. It had a yellow color I believe. Kinda like the pennywhistle I have now.

The thought of Risky Business came up a few months ago. The "killer pimp" type character Guido at the end. He had stolen all of Tom's parents furniture in retaliation for stealing his business with his little college brothel project (I think he got a B). And then he had a moving truck back at his parents and Guido was selling the items back to Tom one by one until all of his profits, and likely income, were exhausted! LOL!

It's kinda like how I felt with all this character assassination stuff and my music gear!

Yes, the Scientology thing with me is significant. I still mostly see my culture as meditation based though. I'm kinda world respresentative like this.

----

I can't seem to find a small set of screwdrivers that I can purchase with my remaining $4⁵⁰, so I think it makes sense to spluge this money on a standard deck of playing cards so I can experiment with playing Majong with a deck of cards. It's excellent for my concentration and I'd enjoy the no electricity end of it. I've been wanting to cut some cardstock to make a deck, but what the hell? It's just a little deck of cards. I'll get around to the card stock idea and coding it. So much to do in life. I'll just attempt to get some donated TP when the time comes. I think I still have 5 rolls.

That's really what is going on over here with me. 3:09am now. Tracy is going into the board room on the other monitor again. The experts have made their decision in just a few minutes. She "needs help". Just a little shock therapy or something like that. These actors/actresses at this board room meeting are actually doing a great job. I love this ending scene. I watched Oh God! You Devil many, many times in the last decade and haven't watched this one much. I also watched Oh God! a few times as well. There is a weird trigger in my high school music community about John Denver in that first movie, so it can get a little freaky for me. I love George Burns in this.

The music and movie recordings from the last 100 years are well, just freaking amazing. It's wise to remember how much effort and money went into making all of that. It was likely engineered to last a long time. We'll likely be putting the collection on every cell tower so we can access them with our mobile phones and computers long after the batteries on them no longer work. Think about it.

2025-04-12    21:04:29 PM

A thought coming home from my grocery store dinner performance this evening is that people sure do like to lay on the guilt.

Uh, it's just that the mix of my politics and my introverted meditation culture puts me in a difficult spot personally. I mostly just love my life. But I of course am forced to deal with people in public. At the very least to get food. But I'm a political candidate and it is difficult being this kind of introverted political candidate. I've of course studied the idea of introverted politicians before and what I read was that the introverted type of politician that I am can be extremely powerful and mostly very rare.

It's a difficult job. It really is. And I'm quite certain that people don't truly understand what this feels like for me. Pursuing any romantic partner is a difficult proposition. If I am delusional, it's an insane risk to be with me. If I am not delusional, then it essentially means instant massive fame for my partner and the fact of living with essentially no private life. I'm way used to it of course, but it is difficult for me even. It seems that it would be hard to truly be at ease with it.

The part that makes it possible for me is knowing that I do have a personal life. It's just a public personal life instead of a private personal life. People are mostly good about it. And it is likely why I have not had a true visitor in almost a year now. People give me a lot of space and I really appreciate that. It helps with my work and my sanity.

I of course hate the gamble of it all. It seems highly likely that I am not at all delusional, but being on the streets with nothing is really rough. Not impossible of course. And being with me doing that would be having a mostly expert with you. I've never ever been on the streets with someone.

The social dynamics of having a partner is difficult, even if not going to Mars. I'm obviously out of Mars mode right now. I certainly haven't given it up entirely. If we could do it, we would do it and if we did it, someone has to do it. And I'm highly trained for it in many ways.

I'd say the theory of my life being about the end of industrialization is the top theory. It's a major deal. If it isn't that, I'd probably have a difficult time functioning as President. I'd of course have a much easier time as vice president. The problem me being president is that if my post-industrialization theory is incorrect, it would likely involve more deception. And I'm essentially incapable of deceiving people. As VP, I could mostly hang out doing my normal thing and be the executive advisor. It's an ideal position for me.

Most of the transwomen I know, the older people (most of them older than me), have wives. Some of them get rejected by their wives, but many of them stay together. Just saying that I'm not simply gay. It seems like that is a thing. I'm transgender. You could say that I'm bisexual. I'm a romantic. It's about intimacy.

It all came to a bit of a head this evening in a virtual way. 4-12. The idea of joining community at the club again. I don't do well with people I have asked on dates and then reject me. It's impossibly hard for me to ask someone on a date, but I've done it several times and well, I kinda like the dating sites like that, but it's difficult there too.

I just have a weird career and it makes things difficult in my personal life. It feels like the secret sevice has setup every relationship in my life. I'm getting a little defensive about it now because I don't want one of those bad match type relationships. I especially want to avoid assertive women. I simply desire a girl/woman with innocence and pure honesty. It seems difficult to do. It's weird like that.

Believe me, I've been tortured/trained about these social dynamics extensively. It just feels like the weirdest show on Earth right now and I'm sure a lot of people get it. This training feels like it preserves my innocense and honesty.

It just boils down to the idea that whoever I end up with, if I am so luck to find a partner again, well, the phrase is just the two of us. This likely secret service type protection does give some sense of privacy and certainly gives me a ton of alone time. I'm not so anti community to want to be 100% alone with my partner. If she wants to have friends over, of course, that's great! Just because I don't have many friends over doesn't mean I have restrictions like that. Of course I'm not so into big party type scenes, so it is a condition with being my partner.

This partner stuff with me is torture. It'll work out somehow. Things will be better. I've got Oh God! Book II on loop 24/7, mostly without volume. It's just amazing. It's always been a favorite, but wow, it's just really good. It's dated of course. It held up well in the intellectual department though. The child actress is super young and George of course is almost 80 years old, so there is that don't get paranoid thing about it. I'm in it for the intellectualism.

It's just really good and I enjoy getting the tender feeling/emotion about it all. Watching the ending in silence on the other monitor now. Tears welling up again and I'm not even hearing the dialog. Oh God! You Devil is also a good movie about musicians.

I've come to the understanding that when golfers say "four" before striking the ball, part of the meaning may be "before" as in giving the warning. And that can be spelled out as be for, or bee for, or b4 and then the 2b horn I play and the 4b that Goody played. King Liberty 2b.

Crazy stuff.

2025-04-12    17:51:26 PM

2025-04-12    17:47:01 PM

Hello love,....

Interesting.... My miniPC computer seems to be functioning better now. This morning at the store, it had something rattling around inside of it. I had gotten totally mad and threw it at a table after being on the streets for a few days and fighting those dang locked portable piss pots at night.

My theory is that perhaps the fan cage got chipped and the chip was lodged in there stopping the fan from moving. And that was why it was overheating? Now that it is rattling around in there, the fan is moving again and it is normal temperature. Perhaps I lucked out on that? The computer seems to be working perfektly now.

I'm going to attempt to be less paranoid about winding up on the streets. Like I wrote about a bit ago, I write a million words a year and have been for a long, long time and have never been paid for that, or the music I do, or a lot of the software I write, or the political campaign activities themselves. And my place is technically just $16,000/year and I don't own a vehichle other than my bicycle. The SSD money I requested may be granted some day and that could just be nice spending money to make the food situation a little better or splurge on a new partner. Idea fantasies of living in an ultra nice house or mansion some day too. I've never exactly been in a mansion other than those houses on Admirals Row I used to play jazz trombone at. It would likely be new for both of us, right? It could get lonely in such a big place alone. People tend to throw parties at such places, but you know, that isn't really my thing. I like those little keishes and mini sausages and all.

2025-04-12    10:27:13 AM

One more thought here before I quit this internet connection for the day....

I feel like one of the things going on with me is that I am fighting for my culture and my work the way a parent would fight for their child. I guess it is kind of a masculine thing as a provider. Without my work, what do I have? And I need tools to do my work. At least it makes it better. I'm kinda lucky and can work with almost nothing, but tools are great.

And the main point here with these pictures is that transgender is not my culture. It's certainly a part of it, but I identify more with being introverted than transgender. And certainly Zen. I'm meditative based no matter what anyone else has to say about my practice of it.

And trancy, repetative recordings. My music is mostly that way.

I'm just fighting for this culture. Everyone else seems to press their stuff so much in this society. I have no idea what all those skyscraper buildings are about unless we are growing all our vegetables up in those southern facing windows. When I look up at them, I see a lot of desks, so I have my doubts. I just don't get it at all.

  Perhaps it isn't my job to understand all these buildings and community gathering places?

2025-04-12    10:20:23 AM

2025-04-12    10:12:39 AM

Oh yeah, kinda at the store scene with the full monitor this morning. I was going to write about, well, do some projections of possible exit scenarios for my current living situation. Death is certainly one of them! Gotta be honest that it could happen to any of us.

Perhaps I'll write a sketch here. I kinda have a headache this morning. Too many food and movement factors to really be sure of the cause. I'm concerned about my diet, yet living as long as possible isn't my #1 priority. This work seems damn important and without work, nothing really gets done in our modern world. Yet here I am predicting that my political involvement might be because of an end to industrialization. Globally. It's not an end to capitalism. With just one key missing element, we won't be able to continue like this. And i've seen the signs of how fragile it all really is.

Not to take an alarmist position! This stuff is so wonderful. The STUFF of civilization. Just that I've been trained to be somewhat of a guide in a post industrial world with how to handle massive amounts of free time. The weird psychology of it all. It seems way more important than simply making a hit song at 54yo :-)

1. Death. Zero is zero, so it could happen to any of us and that would solve the problem of moving on to the next scene!

2. Somehow be granted massive money from others. Book sales, just flat out money in my account or someone giving me a mansion or promoting me to VP of USA.

3. Steady state I suppose. Just living for years and years this way. Hopefully with a lovely partner. Hopefully still fairly transfeminine. Perhaps jsut being granted SSD money and rent/mortgage payments or whatever just well, no questions asked and the $2,450/month is used for fancy meals every night for me and my partner until we get tired of that. Then stashing the rest for a backup screwdriver/tool safety NET incase a screw comes loose and the recording rig goes down.

4. Is there another possibility? Oh, yeah, how could I forget! Uh, being ejected and loving it up on the streets under various awnings trying to stay out of the sun (it only hurts my pale white skin and gives me even more headaches). Limited food-stamp money for the ramen and candy bar diet. The return of the anal itching. Joy! At least the work will be good! It always worked before. Many stories to tell. Lots of programming and math ideas as well.

5. Uh, people, like the governor or mayor, saying I can just have my old house back from the Villas. I left all my important gear there, like the arcade machines, 14 tower computers, DVD collection, a few books, custom shelving, custom knife sharpening stone, fireplaces, fancy concrete paths, some bushes to trim, filber optic line to the Frugalwoods on the other side of the shack. Of course the security features and who could forget Half Pint?

6. Uh, well, I'll work on this list some more here. I can always replicate most of that again. No fireplace at my place now, but I can assemble an image animation with my car wash photos, or we could make some new ones. It would kind of be like one of those fake fire places or kinda like a cat watching a fish tank screen saver. I always wanted to code a formal screensaver. I wish I could control monitor power down function from the OS better so the delay is greater. The programmer probably complained to the project manager about it, but they may have said that Rachel gets a special build. ?? May bee.

2025-04-12    06:30:10 AM

I mean, I don't know if it is a tease or real or something inbetween. The idea of living in a mansion type place. Do I have to produce a hit song to do that? With electric bass?

One of the ideas about this bass with the gold strings that I took the pickups out of is that I want, really want someone, preferrably a younger female, next to be to hear me play and see everything I do on a daily basis, at least for a while. I haven't had a significant conversation with someone since Andy last May. That's almost a year! I did have a good political conversation with my real estate agent. He was groovy and all, but that was like a work thing. This is a little more personal than that. I suppose Andy was kind of a work thing too, but I consider him more of a personal friend.

I've been back and forth with Sting on it for years and years. I keep pressing for my desire to be famous and not necessarily rich. Rich and famous just seems like an odd concept to me. Famous simply means people know your work. Of course I wanted to be famous for doing something good, important. A good work. So that presses me to do better work. I obviously work excessively.

Sting would say things like:

It's all been done before.

We have a roadmap for success in music. Essentially the way the Beatles did it.

I take a big subject and make it small.

A prose writer will take a small subject and make it big.

I take a moment before going on stage "Why are these people here. Why do they still care?"

Getting the "teenie boppers" on your side is difficult. It's also important.

I go back to my hotel room and drink. A lot of work goes into this.

Touring is not what people think it is. They carve out this little path for you and you walk down it.


Things like that. And there has been massive guilt put on me on the side of, well, it's like some other song lyrics. Pink Flyod on The Wall "Mother should I run for president?" (in a negative way) "Everybody wants to rule the world." (the ending song in the movie Real Genius) "The world is doing fine." -Neil Peart

Things like that. Sting would repeat this kind of thing too. You, if you were like me, wondered if it was some random generator from his old posts! Funny! I like went to his website daily for almost 20 years before I got the feeling that he was following me.

Crazy stuff.

And of course the massive guilt from almost everyone it seems, to not do politics, or computer stuff, and just produce a hit song. Essentially the Death Row Records idea. It's very hard to shake that idea in my life and this place I live in now. Yet I have to believe that my life is just ultra-special. That all of that is mostly an intentional stress point.

A lot goes into this, right?

The idea of the Rush guys in their interview videos saying they went back to their room and read. And then Gene Simmons saying that even a guy like him can get laid! And their relationship with Rush.

And aparently me. Ayn Rand, Rand, Ann. Our former female dogs Fred and Larry.

So is it a tease? Becoming president? Vice-president? Living in that Navy Observatory Circle One place? Ann and I living in a 3 bedroom house rental on Navy Circle in Atoka TN? Marching the Horseshoe in front of the NATO building? Them taking 3-4 months to kick me out of the Navy right after Y2K and my telling them that I smoke marijuana every day? Still going to work and performing my gig normally? People asking "Why are you still here?" They drug tested us all like 3x. Hey, I would do my normal thing of espresso at 4am, then water, pee 3x, get my trombone packed up, ironed unitforms, head to work in the 3 cylinder or the bicycle 10 mile ride with my trombone on my back. It's just what I do!

Playing improvised music for Admirals.

I guess it was a little ego boost. And then the ego check/deflation of living in the 3 cylinder car.

I guess a lot of military people go from exotic experiences with living in and around expensive machines to living on the streets. Who knows why? If they are anything like me, well, I like living in a house with a bathroom. Who do you think I am?

I mean, you get a record deal, or a book deal, they give you a bunch of money up front and see what you can do with it. It's kinda like a hollywood movie. It may not make its money back or it could be a big hit. Without that upfront money, you'll never pay for the people and things to make the dang thing.

Solo music is a little easier these days. I have about $4,000 of gear typically. My ego is so big that it doesn't really matter much to me whether I'm doing music, programming, writing, cooking, bicycling, walking. I'm sure the world order secret service has this all planned out on some level. I mostly just have to be myself. They may place a strong trigger in my environment. It triggers a memory of a political study or life experience and I get all happy! "Oh, that was a great lesson/concept! I'll just talk about what I know about that!"

This picture from a week ago of me in my moth/Khan sweater dress after being on the streets for a few days. Wow! I was/had my feathers ruffled from that experience! Not so much the cold, but the locked bathroom thing is just so dang aggrivating. Going past office building after office building to find a place to take a respectful bowel movement. I don't know how I did it, but on my year on the streets in Seattle in 2003-2004 I only remember having to take a shit once on the streets themselves.

It was about 3:30am. Not freezing cold and not summer either. I was just about ready to explode! Frantically looking in the trash containers for an ordinary plastic shopping bag to shit in so I didn't get it all over the downtown streets. I found one! Then came the aiming part....

I had to go so bad. It was just terrible. Totally imprinted on my memory. It was right there in my usual spot in front of the Westlake Mall. I had some attitude about it! It was 3:30am and I just went right in the middle of the street with the plastic bag and dropped my pants. It worked! No mess on the sidewalk. Tie a knot in the bag and put it in the trash. It'll smell, but it was the best I could do.

I used to be ultra-regular when I was young. Even on the streets pretty much. And if it wasn't freezing cold, I would get a good 8 hours of sleep in.

Not so much now though. My schedule is irratic and my low sleep is frustrating. My work seems ultra-important and my cooking is non-existant now. I'm having problems living daily life. But this writing work that I'm doing is simply trumping everything. And it brings up the Sting song So to Speak. "Prolonging me life now that's some kind of joke. I'd be laughing me head off and probably choke." "When our mission is love and compassion and grace, it's not a test of endurance or a marathon race."

It's got that strong Irish melody that reminds me of doing that programming work for Malarkey Roofing Products. And I get the feeling that the female voice at the end of the recording, that ultra-sexy female Irish voice, is actually Cynthia. It gives me chills.

What could they/you possibly do to me? Put me in jail? A work camp? Drag me down the streets on your back bumper? Give me a mansion no questions asked? A private Marine ONe Helicopter? Camp David all to ourselves with nice paved bicycle trails for our meditative romantic movement "practice" - performance?

It's just odd human behavior. I'm not special? I guess I'm not really buying that on some level. A rapid shift to post-industrialism or produce a hit song? What are the odds? 50/50? 1/1? One to one? One and one?

You can't have everything, right? You certainly can't have everything at the same time. I don't know about you, but in 20 years, I'll be 10 years older than when Patty died in my arms.


It's just that I get some kind of insane ideas about sex scenes and pressure for me to essentially do some (more) porn work. Am I just some kind of odd porn star? It's gotta be bigger than that, right? It's like Season 4 of 24 "Shariff is not in town for a train bombing. IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH!"

In any case, I still have my hopes up that I'll have some kind of nice lady next to me in the future who can experience me up close. Ideally, she would want to possess me and I would want to possess her. I'm just kind of intimate and exclusive like that. And totally reistant to these porn scenes even though I was totally relying on that/them as motivation to get back to work all those years. Pornography is wonderful on so many levels. And then it really doesn't live up to all the hype in my opinion. I get paranoid like it would be good for my health or good for others to experience me like that. I'm sure they have many odd videos of me. Haven't I done enough on that? I can't help it. On some level, it's not about how long I live.

My feelings, are that I want to reach people with my work. My writing, my software, my engineering lessons, and my music. And so many other things. Music is a part of that work. My work.

How did all these musicians that I follow get so dang good? I like the music I create. I both want to create music like those I follow and then I'm totally insistant on doing music my way. I keep on saying that I may produce a hit song with lyrics by the time I am 60 years old. That seems like a reasonable timeline for someone who has been a professional software engineer for decades and is doing this level of political work. I'm my own person like that. It's very difficult doing this thing. It would be fun to enjoy a mansion type place for a while. I guess I don't quite understand these dang housing places so close together. I certainly don't understand concert venues.

We are just born in some weird industrial age. It seems reasonable that I would inherit the family place some day. Out in the woods with the wood stove. Especially if my brother really did die. My aunt is getting pretty old. Mid-80's at least. She seems to be doing great though! Massively inspiring even if I don't agree with everything she says :-)

It's Pat :-)

3-17

2025-04-12    05:13:40 AM

2025-04-12    05:12:51 AM

It's just all so perfect. I'm almost afraid to write it. It's just words on some level. They produce a reaction. It was their intent. The people. The writers and what they told the actors and actresses....

The movie ends with "Go ahead, there is nothing worse than cold egg foo young." And the line before that of "If I ever have a really big problem, you'll be the first I call."

In Memphis, the Navy airbase, just outside the North gate and to the left, then on the right side of the street a few blocks down, was the Chinese restaurant and the bicycle shop. I often had egg foo young there. It was amazing! It's like egg mixed with bean sprouts I think. I haven't had it since. Kind of an omlette.

I researched bean sprouts years ago because the stores stopped selling those nice containers of clover/alfalfa sprouts. For most of my life I enjoyed tuna sandwiches with sprouts on them. Of course I would not put bean sprouts on a tuna sandwich! I kind of have some proper things going on in my life. I like sitting at the dinner table and I enjoy Shingo's grandparents in the movie with their serving dishes and round table! His grandmother is amazing looking! They both are! She is wearing kind of a thick red cardigan sweater and has those glasses on. I mean, on some level she is just some kind of ordinary Oriental person, but wow, I think she looks great! I really enjoy that scene!

Oh, the bean sprouts :-)

I get excited about bean sprouts. It's one of my quirky personality traits that I "adopted"! They grow them in some kind of special gas type environment apartently. The beans are called mung beans. I had a bag of them and sprouted them. They only grew about 3/8" long. My clover sprouts grew well! www.sproutpeople.org

Sensitive to moisture....

2025-04-12    01:58:26 AM

I'm going to try to get a few more hours of sleep here....

I'm suggesting with my writing below that industrialization may swiftly end soon. Is my life that big of a deal? That I would usher in this new stage of humanity? It might be.

2025-04-12    01:46:34 AM

2025-04-12    01:31:27 AM

On the "faith and belief" subjects....

I've been talking and writing a lot about, well, religion for lack of a better word for it. I throw around the word God a lot and don't get too hung up on calling God "he". It's a thing with these politics and again, the movie Contact talks a lot about it.

I'm very much like Ellie in the movie and not Palmer. I'm essentially a non-believer. Obviously we are part of something so incredible. It's both beyond comprehension and something we totally take for granted. There is the idea that our lineage is unbroken through all of history. It's a fact of course. I say that doesn't really prove anything though.

My feelings are that we exist and we die. We may or may not have children. There is certainly a mathematical thing to keeping the human race going. The math of having children and that leads to responsibility. It's actually responsibility to have, and not to have, children, depending upon the engineering needs of the time that we live in.

I'm sure most other life forms don't get that analytical about it.

I'm optimistic about an afterlife, but I'll see when I get there! there is too much cool stuff around me right now to worry about it too much. Although you know me, I love to worry about things! So I do worry a little about that too!

Some people are different about that and that is diversity.

2025-04-12    01:19:59 AM

There is a lot of precidence for relationships with a large age difference in my life.

After Jane got out of college with a music degree, she joined the Navy as a musician and got assigned to the band in Guam. Bob led the band there as a master chief. I think it was the only band that didn't have an officer as the leader. They fell in love and got married. Then Bob retired and Jane got assigned to the Norfolk band with me. I was with Ann who was almost 10 years older. Jane, Bob and I went mountain biking frequently. They were just amazing fun people!

Jane went on to be the top leader of all of the bands from what I have read on the internet. I haven't heard from her in ages.

On the more famous side, I often wonder if Edie Brickel is available yet :-) I remember that little thing she did way back when! She's amazing of course!

2025-04-12    01:12:48 AM

Like Teri Garr says in Oh God! "Seeing is believing, not hearing!"

2025-04-12    01:11:47 AM

2025-04-11    21:37:52 PM

As I finished that last post, the ending of Oh God! Book II came on on the other monitor. I turned up the volume and there was the kind of parlor trick at the board room table.

I'm getting very emotional about this movie right now.

People often say "The world/city sure has changed a lot." Are they truthful? We have computers now. They are much faster. Touch screens in our pocket.

The roads are mostly the same. The cars are cleaner burning.

The one I focus on though is the automatic doors at the grocery store. I remember pushing the end of my cart through the door in the 1970's. How do those sensors work? A motion sensor?

I downloaded an old Windows program years ago when I was making my custom doorbell with an arcade button and an Arduino. It was called Dorgem. The concept is of image compression.

A jpeg image, or any compressed format will change file size when the image changes. It's as simple as that folks. It's not tearing apart the image. I'll even explain how compression works here even though I have not coded it yet.

A byte is 8 bits, right? 8 sets of ones and ohs. We typically use Red, Green and Blue as our primary colors. 8-bit computer monitors will use three sets of hexidecimal numbers. Each hexidecimal number is essentially a number between zero and 15. that is the (computer) concept of zero indexing. Zero is the first number, then up to 9 makes 10 numbers, then you use a, b, c, d, e and f to get the other 6 numbers to make a total of 16. That's two bytes I guess. Or perhaps just one? Is zero a zero and one is a one and two is a zero and three is a one?

In any case, it can get complicated and then at the same time it's just really simple. It's just a switch, a one and and oh. These days I think of it in trigonometry terms of zero degrees, 45 degrees, 90 degrees, 135 degrees, 180 degrees, 225 degrees, 270 degrees, 315 degrees, 360 degrees. It's essentially dividing a circle by 8. Al the lines are straight up, down, left, right or at all the 45 degrees unlike our clock that is a pie divided by 12 which is a natural phenonema that we build our music system off of with the overtone series.

I got on a bit of a tangent....

So, I described what a hexidecimal number is. 0-f essentially. We/I am/are trying to describe how a motion sensor works. It works by image file size compression, so I'm describing how image compression works. It's important.....

Red green and blue. So f00 or #f00 is:

f = all the way; red
0 = no green at all
0 = no blue at all

0f0 = all green
00f = all blue


OK, So, when you make an uncompressed image, like a .png, you'll use all of these numbers/characters every time, right? So the image file size will not change. To sense motion in that, you would have to analyze the color values.

With compression, we take each of those 0-f hexidecimal characters apart. We do this kind of logic:



So, I have never coded that myself, but I'm absolutely certain I can do that. It's just busy work for me, but I absolutely want to do that someday! I'm just a geek or nerd like that!

You could think of me as a curious cat! I may even put on cat ears while I'm coding it, but really, it's kind of a junky gag gift. I'd rather just keep the gear I have and save the trip to the trinket shop which would give you more time to code compression as well! Or go to the sports bar and watch the orions.


So, that is likely how most motion sensors, like the one that opens the grocery store door, work. I just now picked up on the name of that program Door-Gem! Dorgem.

With the compression, for it to work, you need to reinterpret it to pull it back into the full data to send to the pixels on the screen of course. Of prehaps your computer can send the compressed information to the monitor and the "CHiPs" in the monitor can upscale the data to the full values. In either case, it takes more processing.

Am I showing off?
Am I teaching?
Is it politics?
Am I trying to pay my bills with fluffy foo-#f00 work?

2025-04-11    20:52:45 PM

Good evening! I was exhausted and slept for a few hours. It's fairly unusual for me to be getting up at 8pm.

Several thoughts as I was waking up. One was the question on whether I should feel guity about being in my apartment home (it has a street address instead of an apartment number). I just copy and pasted the contents of this page of my site into a Word document and it says that it is 190 pages and 44,101 words. I have no way of verifying the accuracy of that, but it seems to be accurate enough.

That's 20 days of writing and is obviously not just chit-chat.

44,101 / 20 = 2,205
2,205 x 365 = 804,825 words a year

Yes, I'm likely writing over a million words a year as well as playing and singing music on multiple instruments, coding software and doing engineering math. And bicycling almost everywhere I go. And it's not a new development. I've been doing this for 25+ years without pay.

Should I feel guity about my $1,345 apartment being paid for?

$1,345 x 12 = $16,140 / year

How much do you get paid for full time work?

----

The other thought I had is that I have certainly been tortured about this relationship stuff for the last couple years. I'm kind of drawing a line in the sand about it now. Relationships and groups. I kinda see myself as living the rest of my life as if I am on a spaceship to Mars whatever happens. It's not like I have much desire to rejoin society in the way of joining a union or church. Or getting a full time job. If you read this, you certainly understand that I think a maority of occupations really will just go away in a post-industrial world. A decreasing population is going to have a tipping point. It's a bell curve, not a pyramid. My dad worked for the Bell Systems. I played music in the Pyramid Collesium in Memphis.

It's a real politic.

This all seems very real in my world. It's come around with my personal quest for a partner to the Anthem story by Ayn Rand. It's the only book I've read of hers and I read it when I was in my early 40's. I've read the descriptions of the others. I certainly identify with those stories as well, but I feel those stories were more useful for the previous generations while the Anthem story is better for our emerging post-industrial society. We are most certainly not post-industrial yet. If gas gets rationed, we will swiftly move into post-industrialism, essentially forever.

It was bound to happen.

Say what you will about the arguably weak female character in Anthem. Don't get paranoid! It's just a story. But there is some truth in it of course. It's an erotic story of post-industrialism. And of anti-communism and anti-socialism. I wouldn't call it capitalism either. It is more like anarchy which makes sense with how Rush's music evolved over the years.

I wouldn't say this is uniquly "American" either. Post-industrialism is a global thing. Something we don't have control over.

Will it happen? I don't know. They say we have hundred of years of oil left. I have my doubts. It isn't just the oil either. I'm sure it is complicated engineering and like the Billy Joel song suggests, coal might be an essential element as are a few other things I'm sure. If just one of those becomes unavailable or unviable, then this whole industrial system will come down.

The good part of it is that we live in an amazing time! Just flat out amazing and it may add up to a huge number of us living in a utopia retirement. I can certainly rationalize that there is a downside to that for a large number of people and that goes back to my arguably favorite movie Contact. I get some flac for Contact being my faviorite movie, especially choosing it over Interstellar. Contact is hands down the better movie though.

The concept is about what the meaning of life is. I've thought about it a lot. A vast majority of people find meaning by having children. It's one of the most natural things out there. Others, like myself, find meaning in work. That could be a problem if your work involves construction materials that will not be available in the future. I'm fairly dependent on pen, paper and electricity. I'm pretty motivated though and don't technically need much of anything. I proved it on my walk back from Montana last summer. I found myself singing and playing drums on my thighs. I'm kind of advanced like that, but of course I like having some nice objects! :-) including a nice partner! Hey, you can see me as an object too. I'm a transwoman like that. Or, well.... It just depends on your point of view. I wouldn't be offended if you enjoy me for my spirit! Or intellect.

2025-04-11    14:43:37 PM

I'm kind of powering through here with this political thought. I'm exhausted from my long bicycle ride and eating lunch, but this is a big deal to me....

It's my idea for Generation Z for lack of a better way to state that. It's kind of a big city New York vs modern country lifestyle. Perhaps this is why Sting adopted country music so much....

I like the idea of, in a run down world scenerio, of being in a smallish country type community as a musician. I get this picture of the band The Yellowjackets with their fairly recent album Raising Our Voice. It's their Emerge song/recording on that (there are many great songs on that album, although I do skip a few of them). When I listen to Emerge, I think of them as some kind of family. Kind of isolated in a very small community. Perhaps in a compound with two or three houses and a wine cellar. They have stashes of food, like a bunch of rice and some beans or some frozen fish or frozen peas and things. Enough to essentially last the rest of their lives. They may have their partners with them or they may have their partner in the "band" type situation.

They have nice days with a free flowing timing. Doing some gardening. Some walks. Make a fire when it is cold. No rush. Spontaneous recordings come from it. With me, I'd be on the computer a lot. Perhaps writing on paper a bunch too.

Contrast that "vision" with a skyscraper type of scene. I really don't know what they are about, but it seems like it would be more party and community oriented. In my mind, neither scene is a true family scene. I see the world as dystopian and running down fairly quickly. Sure, there will be family scenes around. I'm not human race nihlistic (or however you spell that)!

For me personally, I crave that and on a very small scale. More like the 3 piece band type of thing. But very free form as well with no engagments to go to. No formal band rehearsal schedule. No deadlines.

Pulling it back to Generation Z as a presidential visionary type person, I'd like to see them basically cut off from the other generations. I don't want them staffing their hospitals. Running their police force. Making the older people food for the most part. My hunch is that we have been stashing a bunch of stuff away. The idea is a permanent move away from the cities. I fucking love the public utilities! Water, sewer, gas, electric, com. Just love it! Not so much with the cars and all the excessive maintenance. And of course I hate all the new construction! WTF? Is the 2020 census incorrect?

But even with my love of the spoils of the city, essentially the US suburbs, this country type scene would be much better. A year or two ago in my political research, I did some extensive searching to see where these little communities are popping up around the nation. I'm personally not in a rush to go there. I highly recommend that people stay put and if I'm right about all this, we'll likely do this gas rationing thing to make sure people don't move much. It would be terrible having people get scared and move randomly en mass. To reach you on the logic of that, it would defeat the purpose, right? If 20,000 swarmed a small community like that, it would just be a terrible place.

It does look like these communities are being assembled methodically. And I say that it is likely that Gen Z will wind up in these places for a good portion of their lives while the rest of us older people tough it out in the remains of the cities. That being said, it would be fabulous to mingle with Gen Z some more for an amazing send off. Not sure at all what others have planned. It's just my normal gut feeling about how the message has been conveyed to me through the underground planninng of my life.

I enjoy "presidential mode" like this. I really do :-) I've been doing this quite a bit in the last decade. It's the best part of my job. People probably see me as crazy for not producing some hit song or doing some wild party. I'm purely intellectual like this. Of course I get my wild cat energy on too!

2025-04-11    14:08:31 PM

I went on a 3 hour bike ride in search of some small screwdrivers that I could buy with my remaining $4⁵⁰. Couldn't find any in that price range, but I did find a monitor power cord!

Hmm, something was on my mind before I got home....

I just have a bunch of sexual things on my mind. It's basically that I'm into a relationship. The intimacy of it. For someone to spend real time getting to know me intimately. I'm very, well, just in a weird place. I go back and forth between being scared and confident.

It's easy. Just wanting a normal home life. (feeling all kinds of virtual criticism on that thought) Uh, is it true? Yeah, I think it is mostly. As with everything, I have a bunch of training around the subject. Stuff Sam told me about Ben Franklin and Ghandi. Stuff that I did not read in their books. Who knows what the truth is? It's weird thinking these days of George Washington and those people. So long ago. What their situation was. The state of the technology and lay of the land. Such different times!

I'm exhausted from the ride. Going to eat now and take a nap.

.... I suppose my main thought on it is that drifting from partner to partner quickly would just become some ugly escalating scene. Oh, I liked the last person better kind of deal. My intimacy isn't really about having the best partner. Not about trading up and all of that. It may seem like that, but that isn't it. Once I am with a nice partner, I'm just totally into them and learning those little things about them. Going through time together. It's actually been fabulous having my relationships not be a like 30+ year deal. I have enjoyed having a variety of partners. And till death do us part is just amazing. And that has been a great feature of having a wide age difference. There are many, many other great things about it too. I have no idea what people are talking about with this guilt stuff of dating people my own age.

2025-04-11    06:20:38 AM

Good morning love! Oh my, another day. Nice :-)

Kinda restless sleep, but I managed to get another round in and just got up after 5am. I awoke to some abstract idea of New York parties or whatever it was. I've kinda been violently against the idea of the New York scene. Just had no interest in it ever.

Kinda thinking of President Donald Trump and his buildings. I'm just suburban. Kinda family oriented and then not. The space is a luxery for sure. The price is the distance to get anywhere with the essentials.

Food
Clothing
Shelter

Interesting how transportation doesn't make the list, right? It certainly helps with the other 3, but certainly isn't as critical in your personal space.

It's always a "head scratcher" seeing those electric mobility people getting on a bus. Would their power supply not make it far enough? I always enjoy seeing them going down the main drag in the 'burbs. I can't think of a better use for a battery.

I get violently defensive about my computer monitor and desktop computer use. I put one of those electric meter type devices on one of my arcade computers a few years ago. It said the game, being on 24/7, uses 25¢ a day. That comes out to about $8/month which makes sense. In the summer I just use box fans and use about $50/month, even with my server on 24/7 and work computer with 3 identical 24" monitors. The winter is much worse wherever I am at in this place North of the 45^th parallel.

That cycles around the concept of it being relatively easy to build a fire in the Northern areas (and Southern extremes, just more land in the Northern hemisphere apparently) but impossible to build air conditioning until relatively recently. Ideas according to history that I've learned about of Africans being more used to the heat and then being used as slaves because of their aclimation to the arguably tougher environment. Reminds me of the Gunkans in Star Wars Episode I. "Wesa ready to do our part." Perhaps the slavery thing was more of an agreement than a forced thing? At least at the top levels. Who knows? There is the idea that in the colder areas, you would have a work party to take down the tree and all that. Then build a fire and well, it is a cozy scene then. There would be not real relief in a hotter climate. The idea of employing someone to fan you. Scratch my back kind of thing. Or you could be "self-serving" and fan yourself. I'm certainly feminine enough to know that men have an easier time at self-serving! It doesn't seem to work well on the other side of the fence, but then again, I can't really say for sure. :-)

I don't have a problem with using the word "God" for things like this. Or even "he" when referring to "him" in how he designed humans with the male puzzle piece being interested in touching women and other things and women in a more receptive role. That's certainly my preferences whichever side I'm playing on. I don't know what this women's lib thing is really about. I feel myself as being fairly feminist, but if I am playing a feminine role, I really want to be with a man and not a woman. It would just be too weird for me to have a woman acting on me. I've been in that type of relationship with a woman and well, it didn't work well for me. I've learned, through experimentation, that I either want to be totally passive in a feminie role or totally assertive in a male role. My male assertiveness has a style. A masculine style I feel. I've experienced men with a different style and well, they sure are exciting! I haven't experienced a man with my masculine style with me in the feminine role yet. I hope to experience that some day. I might be able to be like that in what they call a "switch" role in the future. With a transwoman of course. It would likely be difficult though because of the mechanical differences. I'm also fairly big down there, so that may just not work well overall. But you know, I really like the idea of well, it doesn't even have to be intercourse. I just want to be totally passive with a man or transwoman instead of it having both of us being active.

Sex stuff is exciting. I like the Neil lyric "Gives a clue to some real motivation." (Ah, it's actually a Geddy Lee lyric, right?) The sex prime mover. I keep on thinking that women are trained by their parents to keep men guessing. The hard to get thing I suppose. My situation is likely completely unique in some ways. The way I relate to people has always seemed completely irrational on some level. It's starting to make sense to me now finally. Perhaps my name "Rand" translates to Jesus or some other known name that I have never heard of? Or the majority of people learned about me on some Simpson's episode in 1991. Something like that. It's like I try ridiculously hard to attract a good life with my work, but I mostly don't get too much and wind up on the streets. How can someone working 20 hours a day just barely afford hand out ramen noodles (dry)? Is all this stuff that bad?

Of course I am a picky eater and all :-) I get my sights set on something, or someone, and then I dedicate. I'm not afraid of putting in a lot of work for the things I want, but I have integrity about my work.

So this goes back to the first thought about the New York sex scene or whatever that may or may not be....

Well, I mostly just like to work. Sex and music is fun and all. I code software a lot. I write. Math drawings. 5 hours of prep cooking. Build a little table. Order $100 of arcade parts once or twice a year. Bicycle to the laundry. Sit in meditation for an hour. Spend countless hours dreaming of a design for a sand based one to two hour meditation timer. Doesn't have to be a store bought nice glass thing.

I went to preschool at OMSI when it was next to the zoo. They had this big copper mixed up thing with pinballs moving along it. Little pully things to take it to the top and then roll back down. It was huge! Massively fun to watch and listen to it. Thinking lately that it was just ordinary house wire! Just a little normal electrical soldering or with a light torch.

New lover? I have plenty of empty space here! Perhaps we buy $40 of house wire and a torch? "The night has a thousand saxophones, so get out there and rock and roll the bones.... get buzzy...."

2025-04-10    23:23:33 PM

Evening. I did a little improvised composition in an odd meter leaning heavily in 3/4. Fun stuff!

It feels good to have my studio setup again. It's just the rational fear that it may be taken away again. I have $4 in quarters now. Laundry is done. Still need a monitor cord and some small screw drivers.

----

Uh, I had an interesting thought in the grocery store this evening. I saw two people who looked like an authentic gay couple. These thoughts have been developing with me lately.

.... nice that I have my keyboard on its original box now. Just a little bit higher and better ont he wrists probably.

Uh, so, I guess I see myself kind of like a tomboy. Like a male to female tomboy. Perhaps I'm more anti-masculine than feminine. I've known a butch/fem lesbian couple. There is that kind of butch/butch gay thing for lack of a better description. I'm certainly not that and I'd say that it is a thing.

Styles. Lifestyles, right? More than just something you wear or present as, right? Some people do that.

OK, I need those screwdrivers. My computer gets hot and that is, well, not the end of the world, but I like using my computer a lot and don't want it to get damaged. My theory is that it is just a loose wire. I'll get it solved or at least get to the piece that will tell me what is happening soon enough.

I've got some writing on paper to do now. 11:23pm right now. I sure do work long hours now.

2025-04-10    09:02:24 AM

2025-04-10    04:24:58 AM

2025-04-10    04:23:21 AM

Good morning love, 3:30am here....

So much to say as usual. It all gets so ridiculous and delusional on my end. I came up with the phrase ridiculously fun yesterday. People put me through the wringer and I can't tell if it is the roller kind or the pro one of just pressing both sides together.

There is a movie quote on that one too! I'm laughing! Nothing like laughing at 3:30am! It's Bill Murry in Stripes at the beginning. Him in the cab with the old lady taking her to the airport and how she comments on his name Wringer! "I don't think I want to take you or your luggage to the airport." What was that animal shoul?

OK, then there is the pizza on the assfault face down. And his girlfriend?

It's just like, nothing truly bad seems to happen in the end. IL know I'll eventually die, but I'm just friggin amazing and feel great!

I still think it's all political training and a big, big deal. Generation Z and all that. There are the Sting lyric pointers to "Begging her to take me back." Ghost Story is just so amazing. I listen to it often. bRand New Day is absolutely the album that I have listened to the most. And for most of my life, I did not listen to the radio and just put on Tapes/Records/CDs/mp3's. Just listened to the whole dang album straight down every time. I only started making playlists a few years ago.

Now I'm making little samples of the best of the best in my world. I was listening to Bob Mintzer's Latin Dance yesterday. It's from the Incredible Journey album. We used to play those songs in high school band. Especially the song Computer. But Latin Dance is the best, or at least my favorite, of the bunch.

----

Although I have certainly been forced to "chase" women AND men in the last 2 years, it's not like there isn't desire to do that. Sam and Shaun, my two best friends, have both shamed me significantly for being attracted to super young women. Not sure what that is about. Shaun was shaming Spencer for courting a girl who was like 4 years younger than him back when we were in the Navy. I didn't get that at all.

My thing is much more understandable of course and there is a lyric from Sting and Neil about everything. "This girl is half his age." Well, my take on it is that I have totally been romanticizing about my former relationship with Adrianna. She was about 61yo and I was 30 when we met and we started having sex right away. There was even a nice slightly younger woman in my almost totally isolated environment at the time on the border of Canada and Adrianna was obviously way more my style.

I told Adrianna "I love you" a month or so after I recorded Dirty Pot at her senior housing apartment that she/we moved into right when I made Dirty Pot. She shamed me for that "You don't love me. How could you love me?" Probably because she saw herself as old or some psychology about her not having any teeth. The shame hit me hard of course, but then we went on to stay together, mostly without sex, for years and years.

That fact is that I did love her and still do. In a major way. She was one of my best lovers. Certainly on par with Patty and Cynthia and both of them were almost 20 years older than me too. Just friggin amazing women! Adrianna and I made love on the banks of a small river! We did all kinds of cool stuff together!

In the summer of 2002, I started realizing that my solo music thing wasn't working out financially, so I started studying Flash 5 from a book that was about 1.5 inches thick. Learning about the IDE (Integrated Development Environment). It's an advanced vector drawing tool combined with a coding environment. I was studying around the clock of course. Sleeping on the floor in Adrianna's small 400sqft apartment. Doing like 16 hour shifts of studying. Adrianna moving around me going about her day as a retired Scientology counselor (a self-described "Squirrel" who mixed Scientology with Chirstianity) :-) Smoking her little cigar ciggarettes with her couple hundred dollars of SSI money. Talking about how her previous black boyfriend/husband (after her divorce) took her around the world on HER credit cards! :-) And left her broke! Staying in castles.

We're just all over exotic like that. It's not what most people think it is!

....but the point of her watching my insane work drive. Coming back from living on the streets for a month. The insanely bad smell and my being almost unaware of it because I'm so focused on my work. Having walked 35 miles to get there because I didn't have $1.25 for the bus and my 4 hour holding a cardboard sign out while continuing to do math work didn't yield any money at all.

And my obvious love for her. I was told she died a few years after that. I hope she saw me as a lover and not just a student. I learned from her of course. She was just amazing and I can't believe how strong my love for her is lately. I miss her.

And then it comes back to that Brand New Day song and the Rush lyric "We are secrets to each other. Each one's life a novel no one else has read." Ironically, I tend to gloss over these lyrics a bit. It's extremely hard for me to remember them while I'm playing. Of course I'm learning massive politics from them, but then again, I'm mostly into the melodies and all that. I didn't even pick up on the "Begging her to take me back, thinking in a bRand new way."

Sting does these things with undesirable lyrics! I'm here in the now though. After all these years. Living my life and maybe there is a little bit of mystery in it? It's seems like a huge deal.

My apartment house thingy is intact and no one seems too motivated to kick me out. It's reasonable that I'm exotic enough that people are just going to let me be here indefinitely. I have $10 in quarters and that is it. But I have almost all of my musical gear back and could even get the rest of it possibly. I need a new set of those tiny screwdrivers and I need to do my laundry. Food stamp card is working well and I still have the much needed hot water for showers. And I'd say it is likely I'll live in some kind of massively expensive mansion some day. I'd be totally exotic about it of course and make it all oriental themed, whether that is how they really do it "over there" or not. I have my western zen type thing going and it really doesn't matter much to me where it comes from. I enjoy this little lifestyle I have here and my constant quest for a loving/intimate partner.

There is this idea of going to this meeting called "men's dignitaries". The idea has been around for a couple years. I mostly go to the "new-comers" meetings in the basement. Well, it's just much more my style. My bRand of innocence and honesty. I'm very much preserved like I am 20 years old. Smart like an 80 year old. I'm simply not a parent. If I am biologically a parent, well, I don't know anything of that. I have not been around any children except for Cynthia's grand children. And I've spent about 20 hours with them in my entire life. They never even spent the night.

I'm not an extrovert party person. Not a community person like that. Ideally, I have my partner and a couple friends (2). We get together for a game of cards! You know. It's not a prison thing of course. I'm not into telling my partner what to do. At all. If you come home, then we are together, if not you are off doing something else. You know me, I'm at home making music or writing or cooking or stretching or napping. I consider this my job. It's a good job and I've slept in nasty places on the streets for extended periods of time to do this work. And they (society, people, you and others) can continue to shame me for it and push me back into those situations. I've already paid so much to be able to do this thing, but people really like to lay on the guilt! :-)

:-)

I say that:

God is absurd
People are ridiculous

....on with the day, silly Earthlings!

2025-04-09    05:49:18 AM

2025-04-09    05:41:16 AM

1. If people don't post things on the internet, there won't be anything there.

2. If people can't see what you post on the internet, they....

3. (Can I come up with a third point/dot here?) THANK YOU PUNCH CARDS. I LOVE U!

2025-04-09    05:24:21 AM

Good morning love, did you get some good rest?

I had a rough night unfortunately. Just kind of rolling around in bed getting 45 minutes of sleep and then waking up to weird ideas. One was kinda comforting that a "relationship helper" would come along and help in a way I can accept. It would be fun to attend the women's meeting, or the knitting group, and tell them that I'm in a lovely relationship and am with them to talk about recovery and knitting.

There is a strong two wheel element to my thing. I have to believe, believe that my life wasn't some little accident.

Well, it seems to be a very big deal what I'm suggesting politically. Whether I am correct or not doesn't matter all that much to me personally. I'm just one person and am totally able to deal with complete failure, although that always sucks of course. If all this is correct, then wow, this is a very big world deal and I was listening to the Oh God! Book II movie again last night while I was making dinner and there was yet another concept from George Burns at the end that hit me as something I want to go back and study. I couldn't hear it well enough for the concept to stick in my mind.

I hate to get all religous on this thing because I'm a simple zen person and all these church experiences have been crazy in my life. George addresses that in the Oh God! Book I movie though. John Denver says "But I don't even belong to a church!" God says "Neither do I." I picked up in the movie last night what Tracy asked: "God, who do you pray to? Hmm, sometimes I talk to myself." I was like, oh my, what is this?

Anyway. I'm not God! Take my word on that. I don't make iron from scratch.

I mostly want to get back to a more sane work routine with a nice little family life. I talk about that right in the beginning of the book that I wrote that no one buys, or at least that I don't get paid for.

I'm sure a $10,000,000 mansion is on the way. I have some hopes to learn about how the world clock works. Also ideas of building 3 custom legs for a grand piano so that I can get it down to milk crate height. I never use the pedals anyway. "Honey, can you press down these 4 notes and hold? I've got something else I want to do down here...."

What would you like to have for lunch today? I'm thinking of taking my 24" monitor out to breakfast.

2025-04-08    03:23:57 AM

2025-04-08    02:46:19 AM

Wow, it never seizes to amaze me how I can post such controversial and even angry stuff and then pull it back to loving logic so quickly and it all seems so perfect.

2:20am now. Been up for a couple hours. Got some nice sleep before that. Still the normal presidential 4 hours a night. I used to think that was some kind of a joke reading that in those big biography books. I'm normally an 8-10 hours/night person. I still get up at 4am though! You know, 8pm to 4pm is a typical schedule for me.

On the streets was a little more challenging. In the winter in Seattle, it was a thing of really bundling up with a scarf and the sleeping bag closed around my head but still with my hand going out to hold the handle on my briefcase pillow because I was a little paranoid or at least a resonably security conscious.

I'd get an hour or two of passing out type sleep, but mostly just shivering, sometimes pretty violently, until 1:30am or 2am and then just absolutely had to get up and start walking to stay warm.

Morning would come and I'd of course want to go into a nice coffee shop. Sit down with a pumpkin coffee cake and a nice Americano or mocha. Take a breather for 4 minutes and then get out my paperwork. The problem was that, besides having abolutely no money, I smelled so bad that it was really bad for the furniture to be there.

It's torture and I've always assumed it was part of my work training. I know that may seem entirely delusional. Of couse I get completely intellectual about it and explore both sides of it.

If I am some intregal piece of a somewhat sudden shift to post-industrialism, then this homelessness thing will go away almost immediately. It makes almost no logical sense to me now that we have any homeless people at all. People getting masters degrees in art, commuting via $40,000 car 10 miles to an office to sit at a computer all day making advertising for a household brand. Having a little water cooler talk. Going out to beer and burgers with your fellows once a month to celebrate a work milestone. The pizza party to welcome a new employee and change of furniture.

Going home to sleep with the wife and dogs and getting in a little spat about the current financial stress or the nagging problem with the bad seal on the old refrigerator door.

The homeless person walking past the empty office building at 3am trying to stay warm. Having to wait one more day for the new food stamp money to come in so they can go back to the dry raman and payday bar diet. Trying to find a piece of plastic to keep the math homework dry. Wondering if she should bother with going through the recycling to find a large piece of clean cardboard to attempt to make the sidewalk under the awning less cold.

Living in despair. Fuck society. I didn't have money for college. Why do they get a place with a warm shower and I'm scared to take a piss in the middle of the night? Did the police really kill James Chassie for peeing or was that a fake news?

We can just say that was the way we did it back then, right? Just move on? Flick the switch and it's different in less than a week?

But the homeless people in despair don't want to live indoors, right?


It's like.... The bathrooms are for paying customers only. Sure, I don't want some homeless person, or anyone, making a mess in there because I have to clean the damn thing. And my paying customers want a nice restroom to use. We are all human like that.

And if you are homeless like I have been, then you certainly have some major hygiene problems that need attention. Just going into a restroom and sitting on a toilet is a huge problem. If you are anything but 100% loving, if you are actually living in despair, you are likely not doing everything you can to keep that place as clean as possible.

Respect and love. Taking care. Worrying about the next person.

That's loving your neighbor, right?

It's not saying hi, right?

2025-04-08    00:41:45 AM

Good morning! I've got a lot on my mind right now, so let's get to it!....

Generation Z is critically important to me. It's a big deal folks. My life appears to be very political and perhaps a major deal. Much more than Trump and Biden most likely. And I may just be vice-president this next time. I don't know. I just continue to do my work, right?

As far as community goes, my top two communities in my personal life are Alcoholics Anonymous and the Zen community. I've been doing sit on the floor, half-lotus Zen meditation since I was 17 years old. I've been waking up mostly at 4am since I was 15 years old or even earlier. I'm certainly an early to bed, early to rise type person. My dad was an AA recovering alcoholic before I was born and the story is that he only drank one day in the rest of his life. So I grew up in a completely sober home. At least chemically. There was never any beer in the house. Mom kept a gallon of Cutty Sark Whiskey hidden away and would take a shot of it once every few years. And they both smoked cigarettes a bit. Dad smoked a pipe. I rememeber taking a bath with my dad and brother and dad smoking his silly pipe in the closed bathroom and that smoke mixing with the humid air! Silly stuff!

Anyway. I've been doing the classic AA thing of highlighting in the big book as they call it. Chapter 2 came to mind the last two days. It says that most occupations are represented by our members and that we are people who ordinarily do not mix. That is one of the profound statements that I latch onto.

I went to their meeting place the other day. I was kinda sneaking in the back door and was essentially shamed for that from the people on the upper floor. So I just left right away.

It's like, I've only been drunk twice since 1999. Sting got my into drinking a couple ounces of whiskey and coke after work a few years ago. I can control my drinking. I get a lot of flac for attending women's meetings and calling myself a recovered alcoholic instead of a recovering alcoholic. In the same way that I get flac for calling myself a Zen Guru instead of a Zen Master. Look, I didn't go to Zen Master school. I read a couple books and then lived the life of a solitary Zen practictioner. I consider myself a leader and an authority on Zen. At least Western Zen because I'm most certainly an American. I call myself a Northerner or Northern American. I like that term better than "White" actually. White is OK I guess and I can certainly write a lot about the subject, but I'm going back to AA here. This is a big deal folks.

What I'm suggesting here politically is that the oil/gas may slow to a trickle. Right? If you have been following me, you know I've been suggesting that for years and years and I've been running on the platform for federal political office for a decade. Right?

If 80% of jobs vanish overnight because we will only get one gallon of gas a week for our cars, then what are we all going to do with our time? One of the things you could do is drink. YOu could go to the bar and drink yourself silly with your friends every night. Would there be a greater demand for AA then?

Right?

So, what I observed from having attended an AA meeting a day in 2023 was that many people seem to be the kind of alcoholic who at least initially went to bars and drank. Right? Social alcoholics. It makes logical sense that you would find some alcoholics in the bars.

And then they likely (I'm not of this type, so I'm kind of conjecturing), drink in the bars a lot, have a good time, then it gets to be too much and the high alcohol intake starts making them sick often. Hangovers everyday started out being bad, but then they got used to it so they could continue for years and years, and then it caught up with them. Financial problems may have stacked up. It was harder to earn money with being sicker and sicker in the morning. The only fix for it was to drink after vomitting in the morning. Smoke a little weed too. Make it to the store for more beer or go back to the bar at 7am.


Things like that.

So you find some of these people getting sober in these meetings. Some of them earlier in life than others. Some of them latch onto recovery and become some of the AA leaders. The liturature does say that AA has leaders. It's well documented and it does say we (I do indentify with being a member) are organized, although the groups are autonomous except when affecting AA as a whole or something like that (not entirely quoting literature on that).

The point I'm trying to get to is that these type of alcoholics, the social more extroverted types, likely (again I don't know for sure, because I am the introverted type) use AA groups as a substitute for bar and party culture. The social culture of it.

The only times I have been in bars are when my work colleagues drag me out to a bar. I won't even play music in a bar unless under heavy coersion. What can I say? I'm for and I go to bed at 6pm and then get up at 4am to have meditative reflection with my intimate lover. Or if I'm single, I start playing hot jazz trombone solos before going up to my lovely computer to do some math.

4

111u

Just saying this can be a lesson for Generation Z if you find yourself in the situation of this run down world scenerio with me on some ship to Mars.

It's not fun vomitting at 5am and then taking a bong hit to "feel like yourself". Trust me on this. I have a friend who "lives this lifestyle".

2025-04-07    08:07:17 AM

2025-04-07    07:46:49 AM

2025-04-07    07:42:43 AM

Just a little coding fix here. I added a checkbox and textBox to have my preview button route to a hosts style url instead of a drive location so that I can navigate the php pages better. I don't use a database anymore. I stopped using databases on my websites a few years ago. It's just overdrive for what I do. I guess I really haven't used them on my personal site at all. I do like using PHP though. Having a global header include is nice. Some of the GD (graphics dependencies) includes are nice to do some image scaling and combining work. I'm doing most of my coding with C#.NET WinForms lately. I love it! I put in one of those windows scrollbars as a generic slider to scrub my images and that is working well. Little enhancements most days. It's nice having a good foundation to add things like this to.

2025-04-07    07:25:13 AM

Good morning!

Sipping my first cup of espresso with "white" sugar out of my mortar. It's all "white" and there is the spout that I put up to my lips.

In search of one of those philips head screw drivers with the smaller head this morning.

2025-04-06    14:22:46 PM

2025-04-06    14:17:01 PM

2025-04-06    14:16:15 PM

Things are certainly changing for me. Still struggling to find new routine with food, beverage and exercise.

My bicycle is obviously working amazingly well. Getting a lot of exercise on it makes good sense to me. I suppose if I wanted to bulk up in a masculine type way, I'd drink sports drinks, but that certainly isn't my thing at all. Alcohol is obviously a no go for me and essentially smoking drugs of any sort is as well. Just not so into it.

So what is left? Well, my current plan is to just ride my bicycle a lot and drink a lot of water. Eat kind of regularly. I've been eating a lot of chicken and that is getting frustrating. Fruit is mostly a no go for me as well. I'm kind of a picky eater like a cat!

I had a can of sardines in olive oil for breakfast :-)

Doing what I can. My ID says I am female and I'm doing my best to work that angle of my life. It is where my heart is. And my mind. My backpack became a little too heavy to bike with and I had to make the hard choice to not carry my mechanical keyboard with me. I carry shaving cream with me now and spent most of the last of my money on razor blades. I'm not much of a woman if I have a beard.

I can only assume that a majority of alcoholics go to bars and a majority of drug addicts go do drug dealers more than once and perhaps even deal drugs themselves. That just makes logical sense, right? I don't do any of those activities. I made it a point in my teens to not seek out drug dealers and to never deal drugs. I've sold drugs maybe two or three times in my life. I tried to break down my fear of going to bars a couple years ago by going to the corner bar often and getting a soda pop or usually just water. I'm not into the culture there. Not into the alcohol. Not into the music. Not into the games. It's just a no go for me all around. It really doesn't even matter how good the music is or how fun the people are. I'm just totally introverted.

Basically just totally suburban. Would have been an excellent engineer with a small family living in the suburbs. I had no interest in going to big cities. No interest in night life. It's just not my thing at all.

To thine own self be true. Right?

I've got some ego :-) If I'm not going to have some hot rod young lady with me, I'll just enjoy my bicycle! Come and hear your body talk.... Let's get physical, physic-al, I wanna get physic-al, physical.... come and hear your body talk!!..!@!...

Spring has sprung! Still probably damn cold at 2am though! Been there, done that, hope to not do that again, will do my best to roll with the punches again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again

and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again

oh, and my nipples are kind of getting wider and flatter!

2025-04-06    07:11:32 AM

Uh, good morning love. How was your sleep? Little bit of dreams and restful?

I of course dislike being stressed out and angry/hateful. It's a part of life though and this so called job of mine is really dang stressful and unappreciated in many ways. It's kind of freaky knowing that people are totally helping you out while you are sleeping in a ditch. Very odd work training.

I was going to say something about the Zen/Buddhist community. Uh, I remember getting some flyer around town a couple years ago for a Zen center and it well had a picture of a group of mostly older people sitting in rows of chairs. It just seemed really odd to me. I ended up not going but thinking about it a lot and I'm doing another extension of those thoughts on this Sunday morning.

It's like, I get it. Those people, the teachers and the students if you want to seperate them like that, they likely don't have the background in it that I do. They probably live some fairly normal work and family lives. I kind of relate to my stoic online person Mr. Money Mustache on this level with how he says "But I'm freaking Mr. Money Mustache. I've been ironing my $10 bills and putting them under my pillow since I was 9 years old!" It's odd behavior mostly likely. At least in America. A middle school trombonist playing hot jazz music with college players and getting up at 4am to meditate and do an hour and a half warm-up before anyone else gets out of bed.

And then my life got more exotic....

Who can I relate to? Well, I'm getting a clearer picture this morning. I get a lot of pushback for the choices I make. It's like there are millions of people for and against every choice I make. It's disturbing! I get the feeling/idea of "you lose" and I'm left with the idea that it is just not possible to win. It must be presidential politics! No way to win, but you still have to make a choice. I've lost like 85% of my belongings yet again, but somehow I've managed to hang onto my 4 and 1 coins yet again. I don't flip them often to make choices, but they are here for that purpose. I've also been considering making a random generator little web widget for those moments. When you are stuck on a choice that you can't make, it's usually because it really doesn't matter which way it goes. So it is logic to just flip for it or let someone else make the choice than to just be stuck on the dang thing. Being stuck on it is like constant nagging worry, but I don't know, sometimes, really most of the time, I'd rather just sit on it and worry than to let someone else decide. Maybe more information will come along later? Maybe I'll learn something by thinking about it more? It can be like my little pet idea that I give a little biscuit to on a Sunday morning while reading my blog! :-)

What can I say? I ate a computer chip instead of being "a man" or "taking it like a man" and putting in some tobacco and downing another paint can or beer. You could say I Math.sinned! OK, I think I can remember that update to my dating profile that I was thinking about an hour ago. Not right on my mind at the moment, but I think I can come back around to those thoughts. I'm not one to say "Oh, it doesn't matter. You don't have to worry about the little thing you were going to write. "

OK, I'm a sappy romantic who "cares!"

Am I a care bear? A care fish? A cat fish? Oh, I was thinking last night.... I was naked in bed after a shower and well, I had put my clothes on and then took them off again. Completely naked on my bed couch kind of stoking myself and holding on to my breasts. Nice and smooth everywhere. Thinking of being on my back with a man on top of me. Yes, uh, would be nice if that worked well, I guess I have to have other experiences with men if I want to do that kind of thing and that is definitely enjoyable. It's a compromise though and I'd never be like that with a woman. Even if she asked me to, I'm not really the right tool or person for that kind of job. I'm a totally lightweight toothpick. If I were any shorter, you'd probably call me petite.

Anyway. Like I mention down the page here a bit, it's likely that the internet is correct with how it says that less than 5% of men have been physically raped. I suppose it really only happened to me once, but there has been so much, so many decades, of intellectual rape, that it seems like a pretty major deal to me. You could call me a sissy or whatever for not "taking it like a man" and well, just holding it inside or whatever. I'm hurt by it and then I'm not. But you know, being thrown out on the streets by society or whatever it is with them not buying my book, after being physically raped and being called a loser/wuss or weak or whatever they like to do. It produces an effect in me that feels feminizing. So it feels like I'm feminizing more even though I certainly have some masculine thing going on. It's almost like I'm making love to my bicycle! It's lovely! My bicycle is like my hot rod guitar petite lover! I don't even have to ask her if she is in the mood!

Yes, I'm a sub. Thinking about getting some of those cat ear things to put on and dream about a lovely six string bass player with a well kempt beard on top of me telling me that he loves me and will take care of me forever and ever. Telling me he will come home with a bag of vegetables. Telling me how cute I am coding on my computer for 12 hour sessions to get a nice like picture thing going.

I'm sure someone can relate? May not be the formal zen community. Not sure.

2025-04-06    00:06:51 AM

What can I say? I ate a computer chip when I was 21 years old instead of going to the bar.

2025-04-05    19:52:23 PM

2025-04-05    12:39:05 PM

Fun with my new custom toy! Waiting for the pink lead paint to come off my nails until I put down a new layer. Don't want it to stack up too much. Kinda like waiting until I smoke all my bud from the last plant I grew until planting a new seed. I like to have some space between things.

2025-04-05    11:24:16 AM

More coding success! It's a little bit of a struggle because, well, I'm under high stress and I'm a little new at using C# forms to do image work and I'm not using any online documentation because I have no internet access. It's a struggle but is working reasonably well. My computer is getting hot because I threw it on a table and the internal fan is not working. Could be a loose wire, bent something or simply microscopic error or malicious hacking. I'll have to take it apart and take a look. Very frustrating part of my thankless political job as I understand it. Or I'm just plain delusional. These laptops are easier to make I'm quite certain. I stress over where the batteries are coming from, but they exist. It all gets plugged in anyway and I'm quite certain I'm not living for another 80 years.

2025-04-05    10:29:40 AM

It's just, with my black neighbors (African American, whatever you call them and their culture).... I find them distressing. I've been tortured and physically raped by black men. Sorry, that is just the way it is. I don't know if most men get raped at sometime in their life, but the internet searches I've investigated says men getting physically raped is like less than 5%.

I'm triggered by them, but obviously my music culture is massively influenced by their culture. As far as I understand, my culture is different. At the very least they have many people over while I have essentially spent the last 15 years with two women who were 20 years older than me with very, very infrequent guests.

I mean, honestly, sincerely, if this is about a space mission, then absolutely I will do my best to calm down enough to go to space with this likely musican black female next door. Otherwise, I just want MY culture respected. If they/her/him want to play some loudish live music or deliver monolog through the closed door like they have been so patiently observing me, then by all means, I'll do my best to listen to them and I can only assume it would be wonderful music and whatever they want to share.

My culture is very much a solitary thing. Me and my partner if I am so lucky as to have one. I don't consider my culture to be rape victim. That was forced on me. I guess you could say that the engineering stuff was forced on me too and I'm certainly grateful for that. Grateful I got out of the Navy and experienced all that. And on that level, the rape and intellectual rape and property theft type events were worth it to get these engineering lessons. It's not exactlly college, but was wonderful learning.

I do my best to deal with my faily minor physical anal injury from the rape. I need a shower pretty badly to keep from being physically tortured by it. And again I'm sorry for coming off as racist about this, but my black neighbors are triggering about my rape as is almost all of my musical family at this point. My musical family in Portland for the last quarter century has been amazingly disapointing, especially my best friend Sam. Shaun from the Navy is fucky crazy torturous as well with his drinking and strip club corousing. Both of them are fucking gross to me and I never want to see them again.

Sorry, I'm just kind of exclusive like that and can't love everybody.

I wish them well of course. Shaun introducing me to these John Allred and Wycliff Jordon recordings from his dad and like possibly Thara Memory's pushing this stuff on me as well, I think it is aweful music and I only listened to it a couple times. What can I say? My first and main trombone teacher, Jack Quinby, made a CD recording with some of the most famous trombone players in all of history in 2008 and it is even worse than the John Allred recordings in my world. I don't listen to any of that, but the picture of the female trombonists on Jack's Beautiful Bones recording is, well, she is amazingly beautiful. She may be Jack's daughter. Jack started teaching me in an old house in SE Portland in the 1980's. My dad would take me to the lessons on cold winter days and we would wait for him to show up in his huge car. He would open the large trunk and get his trombone out and we'd go up to his door and go in. It was a house. He said he had a college degree and made the majority of his living playing trombone for the circus. It's kind of an acrobatic trombone thing. He would start a fire in the wood stove and then we would play our cold trombones while the fire picked up. There would be condensating moisture coming out of our lungs in the cold house. We'd play our 2-3 octave arpeggios, the maggio system, and things like that. Little lip trill turns out of the Arban's method book. Crazy mostly unlyrical stuff.

And he got married and had a child as I started to move on from him being my teacher.

Whatever. I'm my own person now with my own introverted culture of meditation and movement. I play music alone and some people try to punish me by calling what I do "musical masturbation". Whatever. They can go fly a kite. They exist. I wish them well. Whatever.

Black lives matter and so does my life and introverted culture. I'm not all that compatible with everyone. I have style and tastes and preferences. I've had a 35 year professional life that included cleaning a lot of toilets and not taking a lot of phone calls. I'm absolutely sick of business meetings out to sports bars. Make me puke already! Not into it anymore. How long do I have to put up with that crap?

I'd ask them to join me in mediation, but that isn't what it is about. I want them to either respect me and allow me to make my recordings and do my writing and coding on my website in a nice little place alone or with an ultra nice partner. Well, no either. If they insisted that I experience their church culture, if that is their culture, and I have spend hundreds if not thousands of hours experiencing their church thing including all their fucky symbols all over the place and hanging from people's necks and trinket man-u-facturers, then they should fucking do sit on the floor half lotus meditation for a thousand hours to respect MY culture. Get a little clip on light pointing up at a plant with a little fan and put on a trancy old recording or some of my piano music or something. I don't fucking care. If you don't want to do that and insist on putting your fucking stupid crosses all over town, then at least have the decency to allow me to have my little apartment and musical instruments after 35 years of trying my best to serve you. I fucking never heard any of the songs we were doing in the Navy except for Nutville and Love for Sale. I don't know what stupid radio station you were all listening to.

Sorry for the hate. Just reflecting you back I guess. I don't care about your fucking culture if you fucking leave me to die on the streets shitting on your fucking roads at night wiping my ass with a nice t-shirt that I loved. OK, maybe I would have done better in life if I had studied to be a fucking prison guard or nurse taking your stupid pulse. Take your fucking pill and eat your ding dong so I can have a dry place to write my math equations to make a functional fun game that you say is some rip off and never pay me for and send me to the streets. Go fuck off and make piston parts for a living you city people. I don't want your fucking three cylinder cars even. Fucking inline 3 cylinder 10 gallon capactiy dish washer.

Fucking lap dance faggot American culture.

Transwoman hater masculine King-fuck ass holes.

Sissy three string bass v-12 truck no steel stud coal idiots cheers to you and your fucking bar culture. If I can't have enough electricity to run my fucking plastic computer monitor then you can't have enough electricty for forge solid rock into your 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 cylinders.

Sure, we have to burn the gas. Not totally sure about that. Maybe yoy are saving your dung or collecting mine to run your back-ho.

2025-04-05    06:51:26 AM

Or walking to work as a CPA in a mental hospital to watch loonies like me do engineering math and charge me tens of thousands of dollars to do it, send me a bill and then laugh when my intricate accounting "earns" me an 850 credit score?

Fucking street people college doctors.

2025-04-05    06:48:56 AM

Is eating a salted cracker going to give me kidney stones? Is that anymore painful than sleeping in the snow for 2 years?

2025-04-05    04:51:22 AM

2025-04-05    03:35:15 AM

Weird times....

Two nights and three days on the streets 2-4 in April 2025. I was cold out there. Many memories of freezing in the middle of the night. Locked bathrooms. Lack of plastic bottles in the trash to pee in. I am transgender folks. I'm going to stop using the word transgender and just call myself a girl or woman from now on. I think you are all, or at least most of you, are crazy. It's like you have warped minds from watching tell-vision when you are adults. Like you expect me to be some way from something you saw in some reality TV show. It's like, yes, I kind of do the same thing with the old movies I watch. Some of them were made in the 1970's and actually quite a few were made in the 1960's. It's my "slice of history" education. We all need an education, right?

Your mind is empty when you start off life, right?

Meditation was excellent in my teens and twenties, then I got to work.

I assume that the majority of North American's do not sit in half lotus meditation when they are teenagers and then for the rest of their lives. It seems like you, the majority of you, go to some church thing or join a union or something. Community and groups. Building to code. I get it, I really do. I'm not runnning for president with my head in the sand!

But I'm here for some kind of engineered reason, right? And if you are going to hear from me, I'm going to say that I am a transWOMAN, that I do not drink alcohol, that I do not go to bars, community centers, groups of any kind, music performances. I just do not do that. I sit at home with my electronics and instruments. Almost none of my instruments are electronic. I use a high quality $300 microphone and a digital interface. I tend to get fancier digital interfaces with multiple channels because I play 12 different instruments! That is the way I do music and LIFE. I just need a place to live to keep myself and my gear out of the elements (sun, rain and to a lessor degree wind), and some electricity. I don't particularly care about my transgender medication at this point. My "sea men" does not have any smell anymore. I got into the transgender thing because I was over male sexuallity and then was FORCED to detransition and CHASE women for money and security because I <>>b>WORK 20 hours a day on politics and everything else that I do that costs about $20/month in electricity.

Bet Your Life

I'd fucking be THRILLED to go to Mars, especially with a highly desirable woman so that I/we can get out of this fucking insanity down here and experience some real love for a couple years in an exotic environment. I fucking hate this community bullshit around here.

"We used to struggle to survive in small groups." -Charlize

Absolutely correct. The deal is that we no longer have to struggle that way. Now we have to struggle to keep people from drawing us into groups. These group people are FUCKED in my opinion and want nothing to do with them.

At all.

I fucking hate all these "fagot" people on the streets, you merry pranksters or whoever you are. I'm totally against those community scenes in Easy Rider. After that mexican woman does her thing with her smile, the movie is over for me. I can appreciate the other scenes, especially the skinny dipping scene, but it's all fucked in my opinion and I don't want to skinny dip or any of that stuff.

Go ahead and drink your stupid beer or smoke your whatever. Build fucking more skyscrapers and bars and community centers and housing for a decreasing population for all I care. Just let me live in some kind of humble dwelling with electricity and fucking cheese it crackers or goldfish or whatever as long as I can walk around in my heels and have a speaker and some instruments. How many times have I been conned out of or had my music gear essentially stolen? You all are fucked.

Yes, I'm mad. Is this a male trait? Fucking I don't care. I just want to be respected and mostly left alone. If you want to do all that other crazy stuff, I guess that is your thing, but if I am president, I'll likely destroy all those systems. I would actually be pretty happy if anyone, no matter how rich or poor, who has been drinking alcohol, be thrown out on the streets, without alcohol, bathrooms, cars, and suffer out there for a year on $10/day. Jusst all of you fagots out on the street because that is what you are doing to me.

Got it? Be thankful for what you have folx.

Respect MY CULTURE please. I've had enough of your sports bar church teamwork masculine crap.

Got it?

2025-04-03    11:19:20 AM

Good morning! Uh, I've got a situation change going on I suppose. It's just weird. You get into (I've gotten into) this running for president and us rep for like 22 years now and well, you run 4x and it gets to this point where you just dont' move on. Or I can't move on. I'm still essentially working 20 hour days. You could say that I'm just awake for 20 hours because I play my FlickBricker game a little bit and go get some food, but my mind is just fully engaged all the time.

Some people would say that is too excessive. That I should slow down and meditate. Well, I certainly know how to do that, but well, I just think of the Zen and Buddhist community and it seems that people might, the majority of people might, get into it in their late 30's or 40's while I got into it in my teens and did massive meditation in my mid-20's in the mid 1990's.

There is the scene in the movie Arthur from the 1980's where John Gilgud says "There are three books. Take them back.... to the library!" And well, the thought came up the other day of my three meditation, or rather zen books. I guess I'll unordered list them:

. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig
. Lila - Robert Pirsig (his only two books)
. The Way of Zen - Alan Watts

There are a few other books, but those are the three major ones. In high school I latched onto Yogananda's autobiography and that produced a kind of mystic religion vibe in me. The whole levitation meditation sessions and guru's and all that. And I listened to my record player playing Joe Henderson and John Coltrane. I really did meditate quite a lot in my later high school years. Sitting on the floor and all.

Then the 1990's was The Way of Zen and that drove home the concepts of language. Also in college I was introduced to Carlos Castenada. That was the clear your mind bit of meditation. It was just a classic series to go from that mystic->meditationStudy->language->mechanics->computer file systems. Robert Pirsig wrote technical documentation for a living.

OK, that's what that is all about!

Not sure what is going on with my living situation. I've been in a turmoil for a year or two. It can be seen as an advanced Zen thing of needing to clear my mind, but I don't see it that way. I had this kind of choice going of musical instruments, computers, or bicycle. I have my fat drumsticks on me, my computer and bicycle. My bicycle is like my favorite toy! Loving it. Hope it lasts! :-) Motion.

Not sure where this is going at all. It's distressing.

Dude in the other room is saying "that is sad" as I'm running out of time and committing this. Crazy. Sam was saying the same kind of thing a year ago. I don't know what to say. Material things piling up? Fun playing with and torturing others? Being sad being tortured or having fun torturing? I certainly have not concept of torturing someone else and well, I'd rather not be tortured, but I'm going to have a good day anyway. What can you do? We are all powerless on some level even if you think you have a lot of power/influence/money/skills. Music, sports, engineering, math, food, art, science. I do a lot of things. There is the idea that they are just against me becoming president. Like it is a personality contest or beauty contest. Like what we are doing with people or the planet or planets doesn't matter. I certainly relate to the demeanor of Xi Jinping on this. That's just my nature. And of course I'm not alone in that.

It's a problem with running for and being in the shoes of being president. Are my torturers in the race? What is their role in world politics? It's like, being here you want to help raise everyone up, but you know that isn't possible. Some locations and objects are just better than others. You could say we could/should share them equally. We've actually done an excellent job at spreading wealth around. But things change and it certainly seems like my role in this has to do with bicycles and cars. An end of metal refining because of lack of coal, fuel, all of that. It'll grind everything to halt. And I've been around the world enough to know that it is mostly like it is here everywhere. People, houses, food, clothing, cars, rubber on the mostly paved road. Mega freeways in Africa. Winding country road in Africa and South America. Driving past the Walmart in Puerto Rico.

In a lot of ways, I just know too dang much to operate a personal life. So on some level, my tortuerers are actually helping things. It's a weird business like that and I feel that all us executive level figures are working as a team. A really small team at the very top, but certainly a lot of other people and well, just like I learned on the streets at the library 22 years ago, you just can only keep so many peices of paper on your desk at one time. There is so much to this job, that you foget about pieces and then they come back months later and you're like, that kinda mixes all my thoughts up in the last couple months and it just circles around like that and well, it's just too much for one person, so we have this odd advisor business and well, it's just dang complicated!

One thing I do know, is that it is noon here, the sun is high in the sky, night will almost certainly come and it will mostly likely be getting warmer in the next 180 days. It always has before where I'm at. And I'm looking forward to that, again.

2025-04-02    03:59:11 AM

Uh, well, good morning again (2^nd post)....

I normally spend an hour or two a day cooking for me and my partner (when I have one). I hope people out at these grocery stores that I frequent don't mind that they are cooking for me. I'd rather do my own cooking, but I am keeping this 20 hour/day presidential schedule and obviously working like crazy. I appreciate you!!

2025-04-02    03:42:15 AM

Good morning! Wow, intense political thoughts about sexuality this morning....

Got some good rest. The typical presidential 4 hours I suppose.

It's quite the dilemma. Massive unemployment and rationing. What will social people do? What will introverted people do? How to keep population from skyrocketing? Trying to reach people intellectually around the issue. There will be very limited food (or something critical like labor) to feed young people yet we have to have some children.

And for me it's all fairly delusional because no one tells me anything. And there is the Mars space mission going on with me. The greatest rock show of all time. And there is no good way of me proving that it is even possible.

And then my, at least somewhat, personal situation (I see it as personal but not private) where I have essentially been forced to "chase" women after several short relationships with transwomen. I can't say that I don't enjoy it or, well, who I am after is a totally exciting adventure for me. I get super romantic about it all. In a totally geeky way of course (who do you think 4 is?).

I have no idea what is going on on a lot of levels. It's all just well informed hunches on my end. It's like every little lesson and adventure in my life (and my life has been jam packed with them) is a pointer to some political idea/hunch. It's odd behavior for sure.

It's funny how Windows will connect to your saved wifi connection even before logging in. I'm actually counting on that behavior. That makes me a little nervous, but I try to not take it too seriously! :-) It's just a little computer, right? On the way to Mars!?!?!! Uh, well, I have this little romantic idea with it. I guess it doesn't absolutely have to be with Alexia, but we'll see. I think it's going to work. I'll do another little "dry run" today (no glue, cow hooves).

chow!

2025-04-01    16:24:44 PM

I got that service installed correcty I think. It was challenging as the sc command doesn't seem to work in Windows 11. I backed into the correct window by digging through the properties->security settings.

Then I included the iterator into my music library so the urls are not hard coded. I have this dream of a cool show if I ever find Alexia on the streets if we are both out there as part of mars training or man-kind ridiculousness. I can't believe this is all happening. So frustrating!

It's fun though in a way.

The idea of it being a "Jerk movie" scene out there for me. Not into seeing my musical family out there other than Marge. It would be nice to say hi to her :-) Maybe she would use her lawyer skills to get people to stop robbing me? Or perhaps she hasn't bought my book yet and would feel better about buying a copy after a nice little talk? She is lovely of course. Was that her on that video call? I really couldn't tell at all. So many fake things in my life.

Got more coding to do of course! Lovely little projects. I tend to like these kind of technical stay-cations. :-)

2025-04-01    14:29:20 PM

Uh, we could fly to Puerto Rico to stay in the Navy Lodge, visit the package store and then drink some rum on the concrete step. Then the next day we can wander (take a land vehicle) to the other side of the island (past the Walmart), and go get a cup of coffee in one of those colorful buildings. Then we could fly back. Are you game?

2025-04-01    14:10:58 PM

It's just crazy politics as far as I'm concerned. If this is just some game show or old school sporting type of thing, well, whatever.

I had the idea in the last day or two that parents root for their children and that is the basis of sports. Perhaps some people learn it on TV as well. I'm not one of those people at all. I simply enjoy working and the older I get, the more I just do the work that I want to. It's called leadership.

If population is truly declining like the census says, we will not be building a whole new round of buildings. We are obviously in the decline of globalization and industrialization people. You can't get bigger (grow, grow up) with a declining population. Of course there are complexiities, but from my observation, we have been doing massive work during my lifetime to set things up in just an amazing way. Population decline is a big deal though, so a lot of our tensions are likely around that idea. Hopefully they are more of the barking dog variety than the biting dog variety.

If I/we are going to space though as the final push of humanity to live on another planet, then well, living on the streets again may make some sense. Living for the rest of my/our lives in a little room is intense of course. I can certainly do that mission alone, but yuou know, it would be wonderful to have a lady by my side. I'm not that transfeminine! Then again, I am really transfeminine, and well, it gets a little more complicated on Earth and goes back into the ridiculousness of man-kind.

I tend to be optimistic about things though :-)

2025-04-01    14:01:53 PM

Look, I get very passionate about this stuff....

Wow, listening to Dreams by Van Halen now. With software I coded and a sweet new server connection I coded last night. "Straight up we'll climb" The Blue Angles video and when Crawdaddius gave me this on his walkman when we played a show for the Blue Angles in 1995. Wow! Straight up. Check.

I just can't shake the feeling that everyone I ever met knows that I'll go to Mars. It's just dang creepy and exciting!

Uh, that's what dreams are made of.


OK, well, I could be wrong, but the world I envision is this drawdown world where 80% of people are unemployed. The idea that we stashed away a lot of canned and otherwise bottled beverages. Froazen food. Clothing and things. Certainly some basic crops will continue, but wow. This digital network is put in place to handle the flow of new goods.

Just trying to keep things as civil as possible. The hardest part of course is controlling population when you have so much freedom in your day. I hope to inspire people to code software and practice music. Now I'm listening to The Best of Both Worlds also off of 5150.

Wow.

Yes, I bet my life on this. My little life just doesn't seem like that much when this dream could be the truth.

2025-04-01    12:36:30 PM

They sure put me through some tests. And keep me guessing. It can be terrorizing work....

2025-04-01    05:59:41 AM

Good morning love, did you get some sleep or at least some rest?

Remember folx, I'm a world representative. I have some ego for sure. You have to if you are going to have your own planet or even be president.

I'm preparring to live on the streets again and that produces hate in me. It's part of my job knowing what living in extreme poverty is and living on a tiny spaceship for the rest of my life.

I'm not a community person. If you go to my politics page and then go to my research page, you will see some analysis of the 2020 US Census that I dug up that say that almost 20% of people 55-64 are childless and the number is growing. That makes sense to me. We raped the
Earth effectively and we are running out of things. No wonder I have such experience with being raped! :-) I'm sure it was mostly political training.

And space training I guess. Who knows if it is possible? I'm convinced you have to have a small body to go up there. I'm sure that drinking water or any beverage without gravity will not work at all. They may have some spinny type of device, but you would likely get dizzy. But then you already have veritgo. I'm sure it is quite complicated and may just be a fairy tale. But at the very least, I'm a presidential candidate and former 3x US Representative candidate.

The religion part and community/union part of my training seems significant. More than a decade ago, I marched into the Cathloic Church and did a confessional. I declared that I am not Catholic or Buddhist. My gut feeling was that I was Hindu. Of course I likely identify more with pure Zen and you could say that I am obviously Buddhist. These are fun concepts to explore and there does seems to be some meaning in them that trickles down into the way we live our lives.

If I'm homeless again :-( I may venture into the homeless resources community to see how those systems work and meet some of those people. I wouldn't be doing that to "rejoin society". As far as I'm concerned, I'm just and extremely odd, isolated, part of society. It's OK to not be a community person folx! Diversity is cool like that. I simply like working and the older I get, the more I work for myself and not other people. I don't want to be involved in building you community centers, gyms, churches, bars, office buildings, got that? You all have gone nuts with building all that stuff and hopefully it will be good in the future as it all sits around for hundreds of years, long after we are all gone, while we have very limited energy to use them and especially get to them physically.

We built a lot down here, correct?

That should be obvious. And yes, it needs some maintenance.

If I wind up on the streets again, it may simply be space training. Then again, all you have in space is enclosed environments and you'll certainly have electricity, so perhaps the place I am in now will be extended? It doesn't look like that on the books, but this whole thing, including the pandemic, seems totally irrational on my end.

If this is all some ploy to get me to start a family on Earth and join your little communities, then well, I am a Hindu family person at heart and if I suddenly get massive book sales or otherwise tens of millions of dollars in my account, then maybe. Of course I want a nice partner either way. I'm romantic and intimate like that. And of course I'm going to do my work as long as I can still think.

So I'm getting to it again today. Going out to breakfast. Coding a slider to quickly navigate an image directory. I need to do some work on my screenshot and image selection tool as the coordinate system is still all messed up and my little custom selection box on the right mouse button drag is janky. It's ridiculous, but it's a fun little challenge and I'm sure I'll get it figured out. It's close and I'm happy with this coding lately. Having a lot of fun with that and I'm hoping to get back in to coding some fun math on the MATH! button!

chow!

2025-04-01    05:33:09 AM

2025-03-31    15:44:38 PM

I love what I do.

2025-03-31    14:16:58 PM

I'm in a bit of a relaxing mood this afternoon. I bought a package of Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate and made myself a cup. I was surprised at how nice and relaxing it was! I had to plug in the electric stove to make it.

Uh, I'm just kind of feeling burned out and scared at the moment. It goes with the territory. A few minutes ago I had a memory float through my mind of hauling music gear up and down the sides of a Navy destroyer in the rain out at sea, from a boat down below no less!

Been around. Have some road miles. Like a worn rock star, but without the high pay and well, I certainly have been tested in life! It's been an adventure.

And certainly ready for a real worlds planetary adventure! But the idea now is to "hunker down" in my little bedroom with a good movie, take some naps and drink some hot chocolate. Remember Alexia, I have not had a conversation with someone since last May, right? That means I also have not had a guest in my apartment in the 6 months I have been here, right? Don't worry about me, I really am very sweet. Almost too sweet for this world. And all this stuff is scary and I'm looking for some kind of normal thing around me. Some kind of normal home life. On this planet or in space. Not sure where this is going. Just saying that I am human and not entirely moth, right? I'm not a parent and I don't understand sports.

2025-03-31    07:58:42 AM

2025-03-31    07:02:41 AM

The lady in the picture below has the same kind of bone spurs that I do. The picture of Sting on the back of the Brand New Day CD that I used to own with his feet supposedly above him in a transport vehicle shows that he does not have bone spurs. You never really know though unless you are there, right?

I love that clock head picture of him though in the inner folds of that CD though!

2025-03-31    06:57:53 AM

The number 2 in the equation below is 2 miles.

2025-03-31    05:41:41 AM

2025-03-31    05:25:38 AM

Good morning! Did you get some good sleep and/or rest?

Did you dream and/or get some time without thought?


4:41am now. I probably got a total of more than 4 hours sleep last night, perhaps even 6, so it was a good night like that. I miss my usual 8-10 hours that I got most of my life, even when I was on the streets.


These images above are on my mind. The public judging of my status claims. It doesn't matter much to me and although I have felt embarrassment through the multiple character assassinations, I don't feel humiliated like that article points out. It has absolutely led to intense self realization which is a lovely work.

The Mars mission stuff. Well, I don't think we could tell what was what till we went to space and I'm absolutely sure that we have done that as much as possible. I saw like an F-18 fighter jet fly straight up until I could not see it this summer and you know, that is a relatively small vehicle. We certainly do advanced things. And I was walking back on the freeway from Billings Montana in heels wiht no bags, no id other than my birth certificate, and no money.

1. Elon Musk is likely, or at least in my world, Allen at the bike store directly across the street from the house I owned with Ann in Virginia Beach on Shore Drive 4848, right around the corner from the Navy base where the Navy Seals train, my neighbor was a Navy Seal, and that was known as the largest Navy base in the world.

2. Delcina has been the closest person to me in recent years. We had weekly video calls for almost 2 years and I texted her daily, often at 4am, and she was very responsive to my long texts, often with brilliant and sparce responses. She says she retired from the US Air Force as a jet engine mechanic after serving for 28 years. Fairly early on in our communications she said to me "Yes, I knew who you were pretty early on." She is still a little bit of a mystery to me, but my trust level with her is higher than almost anyone know.

3. Ben Coate is my C#.NET programming mentor along with his sidekick Vashali and a host of crazy smart Indian programmers. Ben dedicated 1.5 years of almost daily intense programming instruction to me to get me up to speed with C#.NET with focus on WinForms and Windows Services.

4. You are aware that I play 12 different musical instruments (one for each church mode note), and am a fan of the 12 steps and 12 traditions, right?


I tend to go on flexing my skills like that when I feel threatened....


Uh, I have this theory that Kofi Annan (leader of the United Nations I believe) is Morgan Freeman, so I like this scene in the The Lego Movie with the cat poster where the cat is trying to fly that says "believe". I also kind of think he is that guy in the movie 2010 (my soap box in the closet has a big 2010 on it) and also kind of think he is Joe Henderson on the One of Another Kind recording that I posted the other day. Perhaps it is all a fanstasy and a lovely read?


I like the picture of Joe and his dog on the back cover of his Black Narcisuss album. I used to have in on vinyl. I left it with Ann when I moved. -Rand


Uh, picking out a partner for Mars is absolutely crazy. Not even sure if the thing is possible at all or what physical condition is the best. I'd have to see a field of Saturn V type rockets and two of them fired straight up one right after the other to believe this Mars deal is going to happen. And of course see all the tools I/We'd go up with. So that takes some time to do and at the very least they would have to haul my ass to the launch pad becase I'm not seeing it in my nieghborhood!


Politically, I'd say the chinese with help from all kinds of people everywhere in the world, have set up this electronic money system so that we can do massive rationing in a drawdown environment. I envision 80% of people being unemployed and all cars being alloted a one gallon a week ration unless you have some other special need. Our software can certainly handle that and I would certainly lend a hand in coding or overseeing some of that project.

I got a job offer in my eamil the other day. Just one from Indeed. I read the whole dang thing. The only thing they said about their company or the job was that they wanted something converted from some languange to another. I don't like it when companies don't tell me what their business is about. I also don't like it when people don't open up about their lives and just do small talk. I am truely interested in people, but it seems people are conditioned to protect themselves through social media logins so that just their families know about their personal lives so that some intruder doesn't start taking advantage of them. I get it, I really do, but it doesn't make for interesting conversation in my world. I'm not so much into small talk but of course I am interested in the weather and what is in our physical environment at the moment.


....just saying.

You know, it's 20 minutes after a bowl movement now and I have to take a shower. It has something to do with a well planned rape in 2003. It's irritating, but part of my job as is gross underpayment.

in my opinion at least. Maybe you would like to do my job? Is this what every crazy person on the street does? Analyzing city sewer diagrams and asking the Army Corps of Engineers for an interview because I'm running for US Rep in a city with one of the biggest rivers in the world?


I have to admit that I'm kinda into Jarrod 36!

2025-03-30    01:56:01 AM

Good morning dear, tough night. I woke up at 12:30am to the thought "She left." It was a distressing way to wake up.

I'm at the Holgate place of course. This Mars stuff is still highly likely in my mind. I go over the scientific theories constantly. Learning useful engineering lessons all day long. Essentially preparring to do this thing. I'm also not as physically strong as I was when I was younger. I'm still dang strong though. Remember, by far the majority of people out there are using powered transportation of some sort.

I go out for food each day. Who knows what people will do next? I'm still assuming that they are preparring me and us to go to Mars. I went on some monolog logic before going to bed about why going to the moon doesn't make sense. They may do that anyway, but you know, we'll see.

Like I talked about yesterday, there is nothing more complicated than the social dynamics of two people going to Mars together. It's the weirdest mission humanity will ever do. Winning the lottery is much more common. Way more common. Everything is. Even the presidency. There is nothing more exclusive than going to Mars and it may happen.

And who ever you or I see out there in the world, remember, I am at the very least one of those people who would potentially go to Mars and you may go with me. I was a presidential candidate registered with the FEC (my third election cycle registering with the FEC (Federal Elections Commission)) last year. Ballotpedia says there were about 250 of us I believe. You can research us. It's likely I was one of the top candidates even though I did not make the ballot. So, that theory goes that there are 250 candidates every 4 years, 750 candidates every decade, 1,500 candidates worldwide for US president in the last 20 years. I have slept on aircraft carriers and destroyers. My body type is like Barrack Obama. Barrack is a basketball player and I am a bicyclist. Trump is a golfer apparently. I play 12 different musical instruments and coded complicated math logic while living on the streets for 6 months. I know what I'm doing of course.

Wow.

Just saying that I'm not budging on all of this. It is highly unlikely that the average person out there, whether the live on the streets or in a mansion, has the depth of knowledge and skill that I do. Just send them over to my place and we'll test their trigonometry, software coding, bicycle balancing, perfect pitch, musical composition, etc.... I'm a complete "bad ass" as they used to say in my generation :-)

So, onward, ok?

My internet on my phone is cutoff. I have $89. Most of my musical gear is not in my possession anymore. I highly doubt that this is simply some social game people are playing with me. I've got a lot of politics to write about before I leave the planet (one way or another)!

At the moment, I don't go anywhere without my bicycle, backpack and purse. I have my pink fingernails again.

I have no idea what they will do. I hate the idea of being homeless again, but I simply do not control them. I'm doing my work under the assumption that I am doing my function in society. That it is a job whether I am paid or not. Not being paid might be part of the Mars mission training and what ever you are going through might be part of your training. I really don't know you at all. I'm under the assumption that you are scared and innocent and that is both attractive to me (especially the innocence) and likely perfect Mars training.

I simply have to stay indoors as much as I can right now for my health it seems. I'm not taking HRT and I quit coffee. I still have coffee and HRT, so I'm kind of testing the waters. So far so good. I'm drinking water. So far so good. Still eating food. Playing it by ear. Who knows about a launch date? My "soap box" in the closet says "07-04-2026" on it, so that is one possibility. The launch site is obviously not in my neighborhood, so! :-)

We'll see what happens and what weather the Chinese have dialed up for us today, right?

I've got some coding work to do on the picture viewer this morning. I'm sure I'll be heading out to breakfast at a grocery store. I hope to see you around, OK? Believe me, I'm really quite frightened and desocialized. You'll recognize me though. And I know next to nothing about you. It may be hard to recognize you. Keep it in mind. They'll get us together if it is a thing. Mindless chasing is stupid. It'll happen one way or another if they need this from us, so don't stress over the details more than you need to. Worry and stress are obviously good. So don't worry about worrying!

Got it? Peace and love and drumsticks....

for [ m o t h ]]] -object 2....

2025-03-29    16:35:16 PM

Good afternoon (again)! Ah, deep breath....

Still very stressful here of course.

Sam has given me constant grief over using the MOTU recording interfaces over the years. "Why not use the soundcard? It's good enough?" Well, my experience has been that it is not good enough, or at least wasn't when I was young.

Back in the 90's, on my very, very slow computer, the hard drive could not keep up with my multi-track recording and the sound card was making a terrible buzzing sound because of the computer fan being so close to the soundcard. Not to mention video was non existent. Ann had a Canon camera that used film and we had a computer scanner that you rolled over the paper like a paintbrush roller. It didn't work well all around!

Trust me on this....

It's sweet that your phone and laptop computer do not have fans. I like fans myself. I used to sit in front of a metal fan all summer long. One of those square, box fans :-) It was 99% metal with a big dent in the left side. It rattled and would make these amazing patterns. And the wind was quite strong. It's much like the line in the movie Contact: "Listening to static, listening to washing mashings. They think we are a joke. They want us out. I was listening for patterns in the chaos!"

2025-03-29    16:07:42 PM

Good afternoon! I hope you are having a lovely day :-)

My things disappeared on 41^st street. I had to go home for my health. Not sure what is going on as always. As always, I am preparing for a one way space trip to Mars or the moon. Ideally with a partner although picking out a partner for a mission like that is total insanity. The social dynamics of a Mars mission like that could not be more complicated.

Lauralhurst park has always been a high interest of mine and I'll likely be around there more and more as the weather warms up regardless of what happens, but you never know, do you/we? The future is uncertain like that.

There is a sign on my door which says that I'm a world representative and to only come in if you are sincere and respectful. My neighbors are certainly way more social than I am and from a fairly different culture, but we certainly share some cultural simularities. I'm not used to living in such a dynamic atmosphere. I think it is Mars stress training or something. My monolog is spot on, but socially, I'm completely disconnected and reasonably scared of people. Probably more paranoid in the "out to get" me way than I have ever been, but I'm still highly optimistic that this is either about a space mission or simple presidential politics. The way I've been treated and the way my life has gone has been sensationsal and well, just high level unique.

I don't know what to make of my music friends back in Portland. I have not had good relationships with them overall. I keep on going through some review of old friends and partners. I'd say that Adrianna, Dan, Patty/Nancy, and Cynthia were the best to me and my favorites. There is something special about the female Michelle I was with. I have a soft spot for her. She is kind of intellectually mysterious! Ena, well, Ena is Ena like Ann is Ann. Of course Ann is the hammer and all that with her bass trombone and construction tools. I had the thought that "ARCO" is Ann Rand Company! heheherr

What can you say? Martians are a little silly too!

Oh, and I still cannot say enough good things about Collie and Nora. They are both 27yo transwoman and well, just amazing memories of us in the kitchen and dining room. I'm not into phones at the table, but it was amazing seeing them share their passionate research on their phones with me. Amazing work and drive from them! I relate. And of course their music, their friends and all that. Just amazing people. Memories of Nora cooking sheets of those hash brown potatoes. Tall Collie stirring up tofu and vegetables in my/Cynthia's cast iron pan with her tall stature and amazing sexy braided side pony! Andy was fun and all, but wow! Collie and Nora..... I just go on and on.

Maybe society is out to kill us transwomen and you'll find the three of us in a ditch somewhere doing some math?

2025-03-28    04:54:58 AM

I had this interaction two mornings ago. I had called a number to ask for assistance for shelter (even though I am up to date on my "rent" payment). I'm out of money, and not a rapist, so I'm transparent like this.

It's like, homeless shelters are a gateway to community, right? And I'm anti-social, so I don't use them. The library is great. It's shelter with water and a bathroom. If it is quiet enough to do writing work there, then it works for me. If not, the shelter isn't worth it.

I don't know what society is doing to me. I really don't and I really don't care. I want to work. I've worked excessively hard to have some freedom in my work and I am demanding that I have total freedom in my work now. People are still messing with me though. It may be some show of what is technologically possible. Extroverts showing people through me what power they have over us. I hope they let up. I simply don't understand why they enjoy doing this to me. Perhaps they don't enjoy it? Perhaps they have to torture me to earn their way? Someone is doing it though.

4:50am now. Billy Joel was disturbing on my headphones just now, especially The Piano Man. Just not in the mood. It'll likely come back :-) Put on some track from Signals too. Perhaps I'll just put Losing It on loop? It's definitely the dying on Mars song. It would be incredible to die on Mars listening to that!


Just wanted to share something with you this morning! Have a good day out there....

2025-03-28    04:24:07 AM

Good morning! Things are changing over here.

Thought this morning after a couple hours of monolog:

Beggers can't be choosers,
choosers are rapists.


Black lives matter and all that,
My life matters too.

This is like a Mork and Mindy thing over here,
my culture.
It's not some community sports thing,
It's not some community music thing.

We seem to have some war line drawn between me and my black neighbors,
I'm white colored, they are black colored.
They are social,
I am anti-social

They are stronger rapist type people (extroverts),
I/we are weaker raped type people (introverts)

I have to protect myself
and my culture
There is also respect here,
we are altheles on some level
jazz musicians, although I have not heard them play yet.

They/she, did come to my door and said,
well, not quite sure on the wording,
something about coming in here to teach me a bass lesson,
I refused and closed the door on her

They seem to respect my space,
I always felt through the decades that we are working together on something
I'm scared, I need to shave, and not with an electronic device.

The mars mission may not be possible.
I'd have to be shown as I described yesterday.
I'm not chasing that idea or proof of it.
Yet I'll continue to be ready.
It's the same with the presidency and vice-presidency

I'm not going to run for legislative office,
but if you write me in, I'd serve in that capacity,
I've shared how I would operate in the governement
definitely a front office with how it's made on loop
and a video game I create and assemble
With three dial controls

I'm not playing music through speakers anymore,
I'm hoping people will not alter my code,
I'm not connecting my computer to the internet,
I plan to take it where ever I go on my bicycle,
I do not have a monitor, but I can run 3 identical monitors (HDMI x2, USB-C x1)

My motu is not in my possession again,
and neither is my mixing board,
I consider this another rape,
but it was intended to attract a girl into my life,
the last girl I will chase

I'm the grandmother of fusion on some level
they could send me to mars alone
I just heard "poobah",
Society is just kind of fucked like that,
probably union people, or church people,
or extroverts, or just plain mean people

whoever they are, I'm not one of them like that,
I hope my household continues to exist because another round of homelessness is insanely cruel,
So I'm making a stand here I suppose
I stopped taking my GAHT,
I still have it and if I get erections, I'll likely use it,
perhaps it is just some kind of chemical reboot?

I stopped drinking coffee,
the espresso machine is right next to me,
I've been drinking "fruit juice" like my neighbors or whatever that is suggested,
I drink water before, I'm avoiding carbonated beverages,

I'll have to eat,
I had some good chicken at the store a couple days ago,
I identify with being vegetarian,
I'm kind of omnivoire, but I lean towards vegan,
minimal dairy, minimal meat, minimal fruit, lots of vegies and rice

I've quite coffee twice before,
each time was about 6 months,
kinda (smiles), liking the idea of getting some instant coffee,
picking up some creamer things like at the restaurant,
and using those,

Or perhaps getting some half and half (non-ultra-pasturized) and use that tiny bit in my instant coffee
and then using the rest to make pancakes!
I have the one small teflon pan and a silver pot for the stove,
I could make curries on the stove, but the pots and pressure cooker are damaged,
and there is no ventilation,

My coffee headache is minimal and I'm mostly feeling excellent!
I'm not going to perform music for people in clubs or in bands, got that?

I paint my fingernails pink, I love that!
I have decent sized small breasts now,
I've been enjoying not wearing a bra,

I'm at the mercy of society,
I don't understand why people are being so mean to me

I don't get it.

2025-03-27    03:43:49 AM

Look, this is weird. It's time for me (and Alexia), to be shown proof. Launch is obviously coming up.

We need that neighborhood to be vacant.

All the doors to the houses ajar,
no cars there.

We'll chill out for a few days.

Then a nice car will be there.
We'll drive south on I-5 to I-40.
The only traffic we will see
is normal trucking for business.
And you know, just very sparce traffic.

Going to the VLA, very large array.
There will be the field of rockets.

We need to see two of those launched.
Straight up of course.
Then we'll launch 24 hours later, right?

Putting on a spacesuit is weird!
Females in space are, well,
likely weirder than males in space.
We would both have gravity,
the lack of it to deal with.
I suppose my adams apple helps
I don't know, we'll figure it out.
Obviously water is a huge problem
and why I had those odd church events.

We'll be sucking on our food mostly.
And I assume sex will be a thing.
Motion is key, all kinds of motion.
More important than PLAYING MUSIC!
Recordings and headphones are CRITICAL.
They are our link to humanity.
It'll work. It's wonderful!
YOU PEOPLE ARE AMAZING!

I dont' want to see,
Ann, Sam, Ena, all of them
got that?
Just Delcina and Ben Coates.
They are the two I've been working
with remotely via video for the last
4 years! Humor has not been a thing with us.
it's important, got that?

OK, I'm going back over there with my bike, computer and some water/juice.
I'm medication free. I have it just in case.
The plan is to not eat.
I can't have food in my stomach. Obviously!

I had chicken last night,
I'm sure you have it figured out.
I don't want people around there,
got that!??

I'm fine with LOSING, OK?
But if you are serious,
you're going to do these things.
This stuff is obviously moving forward.

And I assume that whatever happens,
you'll treat me, and her, with respect.
This is crazy!

I don't want to be hauling all my bags with all that fear!
That was fucked of course.
And of course I don't like where my stuff is now.
I assume that it will be better over there,
how much longer is this fucked stuff going on?

She has to be shown I'm in power too.
She'll get it fairly quickly.
I don't need to be shown on some level,
I need to see those rockets launched.

Then we are all good.

3:39am, I'm packing and moving over there.
I'll come back here if I have to, but wow,
I want to see this stuff happen.

2025-03-26    22:09:20 PM

As I'm logging in, it came up that this is absolutely happening. Alexia must be under medical care. She's much younger and needs, well, I'm sure she needs a strict regimine of medications. I'm doing well, but it is high stress.

So many political ideas come up.

It sounds like we are going to be completely amazing up there. Interplanetary. We've got this.

Had to head back to the apartment of course. Shaving is critical! I highly doubt that the international space station existed. Sure, half way between the Earth and the moon and all that. Unlikely we'd be able to get there. The space shuttle makes sense though and I'm sure they did extensive testing there including docking and multiple skylab type places.

Of course I can't say 100% we went to space, but boy, I think it is close. We are highly advanced folks and this is not going to last down here. I just can't believe it all, but it does appear to be true.

I've got a couple almost sore spots on my body, but I have the feeling that getting launched is going to invigorate both of us. We are going to be interplanetary!

Of course food is a challenge, but I've been thinking about it a lot the last couple days. Essentially, once I am up there and can see the truth, I'll just know it inside and out because I've experimented so many other ways. I'll simply say "Of course, it has to be like that!" They may have some kind of sit-and-spin device that we can do different poses on. It may not work though. I'm sure they know. We'll obviously be doing a lot of pushing and pulling on eachother and other things, with all our limbs and digits. It's really going to be fun! Music too. Hope to make some good music. It has to be Alexia. She's got the perfect build for this. The female has to be young and the male has to be old and on this medication. Not sure exactly what the end result will be, but I'm expecting both of us to be amazing!

I think they need me to continue to be active. I've got to get a little sleep here too. Wow.

OK, doing our best, right?

2025-03-25    14:44:22 PM

OK, the trip about town was successful! People are obviously helping out. The address is:

4050 SE Ankeney

It's of course one house west of 41^st St. Two blocks East of 39th. Luaralhurst park is right there so that is EXCELLENT.

I saw jet trails in the sky on the way there. Then a small plane, then a plane that was really high up there. It was an intense journey and then coming back for the rest of the gear I got all guilty about electronics again and then just looked straight ahead at all the cars going by. No one goes to Mars or makes cars without electronics these days. We'd never be able to do all this stuff and it will end some day.

You don't put yourself on a rocket to Mars obviously, but if we are not going on this thing, then I don't know what to make of society out there. I get triggered badly like I'm just going to be an old street bum, but it's likely just some stupid show and everyone in this city and even world is on board with this. In any case, I'm going back there. There is a nice porch with a padded couch with my silk sheet and 6 string bass with gold strings. It has a no soliciting sign on the door. It looked a little vacant and there was some moss around the edges. But incredible murals just a few feet away and you know, all the numbers line up. The world obviously wants this to happen. I'd feel much more comfortable piloting a space craft than walking around these streets, so you know, I'm perfectly trained like that, especially on the psychological end, but wow, I'm a total robot too with massive technical skills of movement.

Whatever happens Alexia, I'd love to see you. I knew it when I saw you on that video with Lila. You appear to have that genuine look of innocence and I'm certainly innocent to my core like that too. If we are staying on Earth, you always have a place with me. We're going to Mars, right? If not, we were the ones they would have sent to Mars, right? Just you and I like that. Two people in the world with something in common.

I don't know what is next. I'm packing up and headed over there and my computer won't be fully functional. It looks like there are less triggers over there though and I avoided the temptation to go somewhere that was familiar because I do not want to talk with anyone I know. It's just you and I like that and these other people trying to help us. I'm sure they are there for us. It doesn't make it much easier, but they do help. It's just a weird job and a weird way to do business. So, you know, employeed, right? Or just with me and just dang cool. Our jobs are just kind of like that.

Ok, excited to pack up! Love the gear thing. Nervous about the new place of course. We'll see!!

hugs, for

oh, yeah, I've been thinking about how I have this kind of crinkle on the inside top of my right ear. I assume most people have something like this, but it's pretty pronounced there for me. It would be fun if you were to the first person to feel that. I don't think anyone I've been with has noticed. I think it's kind of interesting!

2025-03-25    09:10:33 AM

OK, moving on with the day.

I posted another book-report/movie-review. This is an excellent comedy that I'm into if you want to get away from all these words. I'm working things out over here. It's be a few hours....


My gut feeling now is that Sting and Cynthia went to the moon together way back when. Maybe even Apollo 1 and it was billed as a disaster, but the people onsite knew better. Cynthia is amazing! You'll be fine. They were both young. And women have certainly been working in space. Trust me on this. Of course it is different for women. That's obvious at the basic level, right?

And it's yet another indicator that we are actually going to Mars. Mars 1. Someone has to be first and we're doing this thing. Delcina has obviously been in total knowledge of me from the beginning and she's still a bit of a mystery to me. She is our technical information gateway to Earth. And certainly my first wife Ann is there for support backup as well. They all knew about this decades and decades ago. And I'm obviously still catching up and still not entirely sure.

..frantic energy, I know. The psychology is intense and had to be this way. Phillip, S. right?

perhaps a movie? A favorite of yours or a favorite of mine? I'm hoping you have a list of movies you like. There will be a lot of time for that! You're going to be wonderful! breathe...

2025-03-25    07:29:13 AM

I'm coming back around to the idea that the trip to Mars is an arc. Then sun and other objects likely pull you out of that straight line and yet again, that is a good thing with Mars and us being more side by side than like a four way intersection.

Our part in it is to do that ship thing like I talked about it. The docking. The air transfer. It's kind of a rough journey, but it is also a vacation like that. It sounds like fun, right?

I've been training to do this president gig too. There is a lot to this. Lessons for everyone like that. Convey what we are feeling on the computer transmission. Phone is not possible. Hopefully we can send some video back and forth, but it's just us up there honey. We're the same on that level.

And it's a normal marriage type relationship for someone your age. I've been held back in the relationship department my whole life and am on your level like that. It takes a few days to get used to these kinds of relationships, but it smooths out quickly.

Some of my gear is feminine, so you are used to that on some level. It's good stuff that I need up there. Body stuff is key. Motion and love and caring for our bodies. Staying happy. Finally for BOTH OF US. We'll know soon enough if it is working and then it is pure love! Down here on Earth it's still kind of weird. Perhaps even more weird for me than for you. The age difference is a fairly small piece of it in my world. World politics and rocket science.


The science of this appears to work. I think excessively about it.

This isn't some transgender hate thing. It's not a drug thing. I'm one of the strongest supporters of AA.

This tension is part of it. We're all caught up in this and they may send us soon. I think I texted your dad yesterday. If so, your dad and Delcina are the only two contacts in my phone.



They really don't tell me anything on some levels. These rockets work. It's hard to believe when you think about it, but they have that tower next to them and it's like a bicycle. It's difficult to get on it and get in motion, but it's fairly quick and then momentum moves you in a straight line. And our body types and fear align and all this weirdness around us. It's far too weird to be some personal thing about us. Society does NOT have it out for us personally. I logic these things out. But then I still have to figure out what to do next and you are probably like me right now with I can hardly move it's so dang weird. We've got to get out of here though. This place is way too triggering and you know, :-) We've got to get closer to the airport! It's less triggering out that way too. They may drive us. They'll figure it out. I know I don't want to get on a plane, but well, I'd say it would be a private plane :-) Perhaps a BIG private plane. Reasonably big at least. Or who knows!

It's crushing weirdness, but I'm going to follow through and do my laundry and then get on my bicycle with my bass on my back. And then we'll see, but my plan if left to my own, is to post an address on my site and then we are out of here and into their hands somehow. I don't know what they are going to do, but I'll be on a pourch at a house with my bicycle out front. And I'll take my pills (it's blood pressure medication for me) and get canned coffee. And chance just opening the front door I guess. Or just meditate there. It's crazy.


virtual hugs for now -Lydia [ m o t h / for-u ]]]]

2025-03-25    04:58:44 AM

4^th post today. It's OK to skip the rest or obsess over it. You know I obsess over some things!


I like how I said "I'm not going up to space without Ms Pac-man and Lunar Lander". Don't get paranoid about the lunar thing. 4 goes to Mars, right? We do take our chances, but I don't believe everything we hear out there. It's a lot of stuff to send us to Mars and we are the first, but it's like coding, sometimes you just write for days and days and just have to press the launch button and see what it does. We're likely trying to get to Mars and not the moon. It's a gamble of course, but I'm going with that idea.

And of course I have my bumper bubbles game! Let's play that :-) It's a causual game and we don't even have to fire against each other. We can just navigate in there together and bump off each other and other things and fly together and be casual. I don't know what you have going on with games, music or anything at all, but I'm excited to learn about you and what you like Alexia.

4:47am. Just waiting for the day to start. It's scary, but I'm moving on today. You can't avoid all triggers, but most famous people do not just sit in negative triggers 24/7 I assume! This is the most difficult psychological mission there is. And it has a huge phsyical component. "Two of every animal no matter how small." I take it to mean that we are highly compatible on the race side of things. We can't deny that it is a thing. And of course I have to be older. I had to learn so much to do this. It has to be done like this and we take our chances like anyone else in the world. People do die in car accidents and it is likely that people you see out there with missing limbs are really just people who were in car wrecks or industrial accidents. They likely get some laser fix and are brought up to speed with the world plot and are just amazing playing a good part out there. And I've met several of them and had decent conversations with at least one of them.

It's OK. We all take some life and death chances every day without really knowing it and we literally have all of history behind us on this with the best of everything.

2025-03-25    04:16:44 AM

Oh, one more thing. Good morning :-)

Uh, I love the pink nails and all of course, but it is a pollutant in space, so I'll hold off on that. We'll see what they want there. There may be something about it just like the pantyhose. I've been wearing tights on my bicycle for decades. It's part of this gig.


keep reading here, 2 more posts from this morning. Don't think like you have to obsess over every thing here. Whichever way works for you dear. We're trying to leave all this craziness behind. I know I am sick of it. There is a good plan here....

2025-03-25    04:12:30 AM

Second post this morning here....


This place is very triggering for me too. There are nice houses around here and they have been trying to get me to just walk into a house since at least 2018. Of course I have too much integrity to just walk into a house, so I have not attempted that, but it has come up many, many times.

They have also been quite firm on the idea that they want me to not take my electronics into the inner SE block. They certainly don't have any problem with electronics, so I'm realizing right now that it is that they likely don't want me to haul that stuff now and they want it to be more about us than this stuff. That makes sense, right?



I took the pickups out of my main bass and I have my white bicycle which I can ride with the instrument in the backpack case. I'll do laundry this morning and then scope things out in the neighborhood and post an address. Of course the things at my place are important, but they either have that covered with money coming in and more delivery or I'll just come back for stuff as needed. It's not a problem. There are some triggering aspects here. If they are trying to keep me here, it's an electricity thing. I doubt it though and I'm sure they will guide me to a place that has what we need to continue on.


Believe me, it's freaky for me to talk like this. We'll figure it out. I'll post an address. They have it handled I'm sure. I'll do my laundry too. Clothes are dang important as are some other things. There are some triggering electronics to leave behind. Some of it is good though. I know what to do there. This isn't a party situation, right? No one goes to space without computers and some of my stuff is good. I need coffee, but the machine sucks. About half of my computer gear is good. We take the best and leave the rest. I'd go nuts without my computer, but I won't have enough to operate it right away. We'll figure out how to get together and then some money will come in and we'll order some things. (I'm working out what to do right here, so I pause after every sentance.) They do some things for my sanity too. It's fine like this.


OK, slighlty more funny stories.... Lighten up the mood a bit.

breath....


well, I don't know about you, but we'll have to get used to each other if we are doing this mission together. For the rest of our lives and all that. It isn't a party situation and I've been in limbo trying to figure it all out. We likely need some quiet time in a new place. Putting us in total fear on a rocket like that just doesn't make sense. And in any case, they have this communication covered. I'm not in charge of distribution and we are a part of a large team. This city is behind us. Absolutely. Gotta get away from these negative triggers. It's insane over here as you well know. There are some nice houses in inner SE though and there is the queen bee logic that if I just put my things on a pourch and go back for one more load, we'll be fine and I'll have some sanity. And I'll just mostly hang out on the porch and make sure we are walking distance to something good. We can likely just order delivery for everything though and I've been enjoying that.

No problems, right? Makes sense, right?

OK...

2025-03-25    03:19:04 AM

Good morning dear, hope you got some sleep or at least some rest. I know I used to sleep a lot better when I was younger.


Hope is totally a solid concept.

I was introduced to it from Barak Obama and then my aunt supplied the opposite argument. I'm not afraid of hope and worry. I hope my music things are here when I return home. I also worry about it, so I do my best to store them in a way that they stay out of the elements.


Look, it does not matter whether you come back to this place. There are nice houses all over the area here and this place is kinda odd. Just saying that it doesn't matter to me either way.

And yes, I have not had a real conversation with someone since last May. They do some weird things to me too.


It might be Alexia, right? Or Alexa. Sorry, your name flashed across my screen months ago. If we make it to Mars together, we'll have gravity again. We know that, right? Things will be better and we have that to look forward to. And this mission is likely way more about us than the music. Music is important and all, but I don't think it is about this musician/musician plan. We'll probably be hanging onto each other for dear life. And music will be our little thing of, if I can do that, then wow!


For 20 years here, it has been Sting above me and he points out that it is Paul McCartney above him. As far as I understand, that is it. I certainly spend almost 100% of my time working things out with Sting and I have never met him. That's the way we worked that. I took the reins in December 2023, so I'm on my own here and that is what it means to get on this rocket. It's ours with humanity giving us everything they have. And we know they can do a lot, right?

Fear is part of this, right? But it will be mixed with love once we are fully convinced that they are putting us on a proper rocket. Then we will have a new fear to deal with, but then it will be out of our control other than just breathing and being normal people. So we have that to look forward to.

OK, on with the day here! Not sure what I'll do. No pressure on your end, OK?

2025-03-24    21:27:56 PM

It's really weird, but you can think of it as there are a few people staying back here on Earth....

So there are friends and then there is a family thing and well, I'm completely single here. And there is this thing of the two of us being like totally the same looking at this new world. I don't care what age you are, there is just something about the idea of the two of us doing this together. How did we get into this? Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Believe me, I'm scared and this is really odd. It's an odd way to do this. And I'm not fully trusting that they are going to follow through with this thing. It's really messed up like that.

2025-03-24    21:16:11 PM

It's probably because I relate to being tortured. Of course I've had some amazing years too. All that military stuff, well, it was just work and I didn't think too much of it at the time. I enjoy telling those stories. There is an ego boost from it. You know, the confidence to be given, actually given, the most advanced ship of all time.

I have essentially not had a full human conversation since last May. What little family and close friends I've had have totally distanced themselves from me. It's really odd and I trust that there is reason and love for it, but it's still left me in this place.

I have limited options. I've learned that simply trusting that my phone is going to continue to work on the 27^th does nothing. It's slated to go off and likely will. So I must do laundry tomorrow unless I'm going to haul it next time. I'm strong and weak at the same time. This work is exhausting. It's good to be a little weak because there isn't much room up there in space.

Talk about adventure :-) I can only assume you'll love the adventure aspect! I'm well experienced with these type of adventures!



They don't tell me anything, but things could be really cool at this place here, or they may make me move on in a week or two. Then I'll likely be on the streets with that pile of gear and well, we'll likely meet and then some other support will come along. It doesn't matter to me much which way it goes. I probably won't be going much of a distance with all that stuff, but then again, when you are just flat out on the streets like that, you don't have much to do than keep walking! Especially if you are cold! The Chinese seem to have this weather thing under control though. It's weird, but I think they start and stop the world's factory like an old style ship to ship smoke signal communication and that alters the weather in significant ways. The dams seem to control the moon somehow too. My brother has been telling me that my whole life. We're totally space age like that.


I was born into this gig. I get paranoid saying that, but you know, it's like 99%. Sometimes this gig gets really good. Other times it is just terribly hard. I'm kind of mystified why I am feeling as much fear as I am. I thought I was over it, but like Sting says, there just is something about fight or flight that never really goes away and it's a good reflex.


They are certainly altering my chemistry subtlely. I don't know what their timeline is. I've been trusting them since 2003. Probably even earlier and essentially my whole life. I'm in the music game like that, but it can get really hard to keep that trust going. They certainly do test me!


The music I have going is well, just my normal mixes. I'm playing a little, but my stress is high and my writing is fun. If power gets shut off, then they will likely take the music thing over. Maybe silence or maybe just amazingly perfect stuff for us. Not sure what to do about food, but perhaps sushi. zenshi of course :-)




You know, we could absolutely be the ones seeding Mars with life. We would be life on Mars. Having families there in a traditional colonizing effort is likely not what it is about. Taking stuff there including us of course is something major. You know, we'd have eachother. It's like, yeah, there is a big age difference, but if it's anything like it was with me and Adrianna, well, she was amazing and I know I am even more amazing than she was. And in much better physical shape. And a little younger too.


It's like, yes, this is pretty public right now. Sorry about that! Uh, but we'll be completely alone if this happens, so you know, we do what we can with what we have been given and it's an excellent gig. Some people have it really hard in life with no good relief at all. I've certainly known I've been completely public for over 20 years. I mostly ignore it, but it can be difficult. You probably have to have some stress going on to be sent to space.

2025-03-24    18:02:25 PM

This slightly leaky cooking gas container by my door is just a reminder that everything we have in space is a cylinder like that.

2025-03-24    17:57:56 PM

We made this technology, didn't we? We are actually alive in this time, really considering this mission is possible and likely people are actually making these devices for us like the music devices in my possession right now. It's radically advanced stuff.



It just doesn't get more complicated than a mission to Mars, does it?


Am I making the connnection? It was a few months ago. Alexa, right?



Amazing. I saw you looking scared on that video with Lila and you just took me over because I often feel like that. I have a few moments every day where I feel like that still. This mission is odd and you are amazingly beautiful.


....then thinking technically again, you could think of the solar system like a toilet bowl flushing, all headed back into the sun. That may not be it though. I certainly don't know. I fight to have an amazing home life and to do my work. Having children was to be a bonus. For better work or whatever. My job has been exceedingly hard and I have never had interaction with children (just a couple hours - honesty, transparency) since I was a child. I'm still kind of 18 years old like that. With better skills of course!



If Mars is coming back toward the sun, when it is in our inhabitable zone, the sun will be smaller. We know that almost absolutely. I've certainly been trained to think that lifeforms there will be smaller. Like a planet of cats and moths :-) Laughing! I reference both movies with the cats in them on my book report page! Very close to my heart....




....whatever cats and moths are, they are not us. If we land there in any way though, we will be there. There will be life on Mars. Right?

2025-03-24    12:10:58 PM

The greenroom (backstage before the concert) to space is of course an insane place to be in. And I'm not immune from that in any way. My gut feeling is that a ballet type body is the best way to be on this mission. I know my body is that way. Except for when I was really young and a few years in my late 30's, I've weighed between 120lbs and 135lbs. 134lbs today.



OK, more to share. Growing insight on this mission....

I think the idea with the movie WALL-E onboard the AXIOM is true in that on Earth we grow up because of gravity and out in space you essentially grow out. So you would want to be as tight as possible when you start the journey. Food is a problem of course. Liquid especially. There are intermuscular shots and disolving substances under the tongue to get into the blood stream. There is the idea of eating like a snake and I've been having some sticky type chicken and the coating on it has been doing me some good. Inhaling things is possible too, but that would dirty the air no matter how you do it. Hair is a bad thing obviously so shaving with my Mach 3 razor is definitely a thing. I prefer the pink shaving cream, but I can go back to the men's green aloe shaving cream as needed/desired. I only switched to the pink stuff a year and a half ago.

I wear pantyhose quite a bit. Not sure about the microplastic idea of it, but it would keep any stray hairs from floating around. They would be terrible in the air. Longer hairs not so much. You don't just inhale a 6" hair!

Despite what the internet says about space missions, like I said early, I believe 80% that this is happening and maybe even pretty dang soon. 4 goes to Mars. No doubt. And whoever is with me is along for the ride if that is possible. It's a classic traditional male/female thing like that despite what I have going on with my transgenderism. On Earth I'm kinda a crazy transwoman! Of course! Having lotsa fun with that! Don't go changin' Mostly I'm just the same though. The breasts are fun and all, but I mostly get into things for the new point of view. Mars and the trip there is certainly a new point of view! Going to New Mexico? Not so much. I remember that dust bowl!!

It's hard on me too.

It's not like I plan to go to Mars every day of my life. Years go by and I don't even think of it. But of course I'm highly trained to do this and it has a way of coming back stronger than before.

....now I'm getting spacy again. Planets moving towards or away from the sun?

They'll figure out how to get us together if that is the plan. They always have these things covered.

2025-03-24    06:27:36 AM

Good morning! I hope you got some nice sleep/rest dear,

Uh, feeling a little less tense this morning, but this is obviously a big deal. The top thought at this moment is that no one leaves this planet permanently without having some concept or even thinking of themselves as Jesus or some kind of god even. It just dawned on me this morning that my main name that I've used most of my life "Rand" may translate directly to Jesus. It would explain a lot about how I've been treated my whole life.

And I certainly have a rock solid concept of God. I was raised as an Athiest and grabbed onto Zen when I was 17yo. I've done a lot of mediation and found a couple amazing books in my environment and I'm just totally grounded about all that despite what others may say. The best way to know of course is to actually be next to me. There is likely no better way to know than that. The rock music scene comes close too, but you know, when you are that far away from people, they really can't hear the lyrics all that well, so it's just what you have absorbed from their recordings over the years and then you go and sing along and have a greater understand that it is actually them and that can be a grounding experience.

I've never had much of a grounding experience like that cause I really don't need that kind of thing. I could go to every oil well and factory, inspect the bottom of every volcano and certainly have a greater understanding of the real world, but then I'd be 30 years older and well, what is it like now? I really only understand what is around me but you know, I absoultely believe that the other side of the planet is there enough that over here the planet is still spinning correctly. It could be a crazy battlezone, but the planet is still obviously fairly round and spinning at a normal rate, right? We can deduce a few things.


Too many things to talk about. I could write all day and for all year. Listening to Just the Way You Are right in this moment. Perhaps I'll try to do some formal meditation? Not that it will get advanced like I had it when I was 26yo, but I know what it is about and can do some of that.

2025-03-23    21:50:47 PM

:-) This has got to be the weirdest thing going on on(!) Earth.

2025-03-23    21:08:58 PM

It's just weird being treated like this. If Mars is not possible, then it may be a test of whether I can figure out if Mars is possible or not. I think it is impossible to know these things without going to space. Perhaps we did that for the first time in 1969 or around then? And then I was born.

Transwomen are totally a part of this space thing. There are multiple reasons for this. And I go through phases and have good hair days and bad hair days. There are all kinds of people in the world and I represent most of them to some degree.

2025-03-23    20:07:45 PM

I'm slowing down with these blog posts people (3 days left). There is some kind of line in the sand here. A point of no return.


What show is this?

Why? Will you find me out on the streets in a week trying to carry my studio with me? I'm certainly not taking these computer monitors with me. I assume people have some HDMI monitors out there. This may look like a small amount of stuff, but trust me, carrying anything when you are living on the streets is insanely hard. Walking to a store? And yet I have lost this gear so many times, that I can hardly just leave it again. How would I even carry the keyboard and 404? I have plastic to wrap the keyboard with and it is light. The 404 isn't that big and I have batteries that can run one of those at a time. I don't have a sleeping bag and that is a huge problem. And of course there is food, medications and soap. Women's bathrooms? Yes, I would absolutely be using them. There is some kind of male rapey vibe of what has been done to me and my ID says Female on it. And I have experienced physical rape, by a black man. And apparently my brother was gang raped when he was 13yo.

If this Mars thing is not "real", then of course I don't care too much about it (this weird game), but without my gear, I'll be writting books on any paper I can get and that is OK of course. It's just fucked up psychology to think that I would be out there like that and no one would take me home OR EVEN STAND BY ME.

2025-03-23    14:59:18 PM

Smiles. The young neighbor girl was saying "you're a guy/man". It's true under the hood. I've had an authentic transwoman experience and on Earth, I prefer to keep that orientation. On Mars is likely a different story.

2025-03-23    14:51:41 PM

Plastic eye glass frames are a thing too. My best friend hit the ground hard during a rope swing accident when he was 17yo and cut up his face pretty bad with his metal eye glass frames. I've been on a ship in rocking seas doing battle manuevers while I was in a room in the middle with music gear boxes literally falling on me while I was trying to relax. You know....

2025-03-23    14:41:28 PM

Look, this is entirely crazy, but there is so much logic pointing me here....

In an emergency situation in space, if I am not totally in charge, there will be bad hesitation. With an introvert female who knows I'm leading, I'm the best I can be and will use all of my skills to get us out of a bad situation. And I'll be able to ask her to help if that is what is needed. And of course my natural instinct is to have someone like that by my side.


I don't do well with extrovert women. It's been proven time after time. And my bicycle pedals literally say "Black Ops" on them. There is a ton of logic in that and you know, there are black people, and Chinese people and Eastern and Western Indians, His-panics. All kinds of people. I'm sure the majority of people are with me on this idea.

My phone, and internet, may be turned off on March 27^th. I'm likely just staying where I am at and the power may even go off too (there is some logic in this). You don't just build a rocket to go to Mars and put yourself on it. People have been working on this for centuries. Someone will go, just as someone is president.


Communication might be very limited too. It's unlikely that the mission is simply a jam session. It appears that some people I am close to have been physically disabled at a very young age to be my teachers in this. I don't think that more ramping up fear is what is needed right now. It's actually just really cool to be alive. It does seem like the signs in my neighborhood are more of a friendly fire type thing, but it's strong stuff.

2025-03-23    14:19:10 PM

2025-03-23    11:00:27 AM

So, yes, there is the program I'm using and you can download that. If I am going to Mars and someone is going with me, you know, even if you just want to fantasy about it, the program is there and you know, get used to using it. I make improvements daily to it. You know, "Do you have any other ideas that you would like it to do?" I can code just about anything. Video games are cool too! I'm not going up to space without Ms Pac-man! Or lunar lander! Let's make some silly math stuff!

2025-03-23    10:54:27 AM

Picking out a partner for Mars? Is this real? Yes, it is in my world. Totally crazy but true. If Mars isn't a thing, then yes, I'm a total transwoman. But in space, well, that's complicated up there. I have breasts and I paint my nails pink. You know, we are space beings and a little exotic. Not sure if any of this is possible, but wow, I'm doing this thing, at the ready....

It's crazy scary of course. But you know, how long would we get to know eachother? Going to Mars? We'd be lucky to even make it there. Sharing all our life experiences? All our music collections? Like the Rush lyric "We are secrets to eachother. Each one's life a novel no one else has read." Well, my story is certainly sensationally exotic. I've been letting my story out for a decade here. I'm a little sick of my story of course! I just want to work and have a good time on some level. And not have my computer code messed with in real time of course! And as a presidential politician, I'm truly interested in everyone's story.

But you know, the logic angle, it makes sense for whoever is with me to have a fairly limited story. And I have my music collection and all the passion around that. Competing forces with music up there with such limited time when actual romance and physical experience of space is way more important, right? That is the logic. I'm just getting to those facts right now. How many years can we last on Mars? We'd be lucky to land. If we do, WOW! We are on a whole world by ourselves. For how long?

2025-03-23    10:39:19 AM

I feel compelled to share my "DT Blog Utility" program. It's v1.55. I started the project 4 months ago or so and it's been fairly stable for a while. I removed the picture view program from it, but clicking on the Open Image button will open an image with the default viewer on your system. I'm still working some details out with the new picture viewer.

This works on Windows systems. It's a 32 bit program, so backwards compatible most likely. There is a sample HTML page here too. Just save both to a place on your computer. Run the setup file. Then use the navigation in the bottom left corner of the app to point to where the html file and containing folder are. Then you can hit "VIEW PRODUCTION" and the sample html page will come up in your default internet browser.

Here are the files:

2025-03-19_v1.55_setup_lydia_rand_utility_app.exe

dtBlogUtilityStarterHtmlPage.txt (this will open in your browser, you'll need to do something like Save As and then rename the extension from .txt to .html, or simply copy the text on the screen and make a new file on your computer and paste that in and then save as a .html file, you can also usually right click on it and save as right on the link iteself, options)

dtBlogUtilityBarcodePlay.jpg


That last one is a screenshot from a recent version. Take note of the INSERT SLUG and DELETE SLUG fields. Enter that stuff in and then your log/blog posts will be inserted into that html page between those slugs. You can salt the slug if you wish and sure, send me an email and let me know how your little science experiment with salting the slug, or just about anything else goes!

2025-03-23    08:52:22 AM

I don't know what sobriety means to other people. It's a big deal in my world. I tend to side with the book that Paul McCartney wrote called A Long Time from Now. I think that is where I read him say that doing acid, the experience of it, made him a better citizen. It's like how I write about getting that Sony discman and the Dark Side of the Moon CD and the Marcus Miller Miles Davis Siesta CD. I road my bicycle one morning on acid in well, I guess it was 1991, or 1992, up to Mt Tabor. I didn't go all the way to the top. It was just that entrance near Sam's old house on the South side. Up that paved road and then I just stopped like 3/4 the way up and put my yoga blanket on the grass on the edge of the road and it goes steeply down there. It was night and well, you know, 4am of course!

So I sat on the side of the little mountain with trees and started listening to Dark Side of the Moon on this brand new discman with some ordinary headphones. And watched the sun come up. The way the sun beams through the different layers of the atmosphere. Thinking of all the stuff up there. It was a summer morning with no clouds. It looked like the world had been covered in kitchen plastic wrap looking at those layers. I'd say that it wasn't highly hallucinatory. I was just paying attention.

And then when the day was starting. It was likely a normal workday mon-fri, but you know, people work 7 days/week here. I put my yoga blanket back on the rack on my chromoly stumpjumper which was slightly too big for me. I either strapped it down on top of the rack or I had my rack bag on the drive side. I don't think I've ever seen a bicycle with a left side drive. I did see like a General Grievous uni-bike up in Snohomish many years ago. Wow! That was exotic!

But then I rolled down and then down Divison most likely. Seeing people, like orinary people who didn't just watch the sun come up, whether on acid or not! And they are getting their newspaper because that was still a thing back then. And coffee and a pastry or whatever they are having. Getting in their car off to do whatever it is they do.

And you know, I was young. Like 20yo. Living on my own kinda. Like every 6 months it would fall apart and I'd be back at my parents saving up a few hundred so I could try again! And I was excited about life and it all. I mean, I may not have even been playing music at that point. Had I done that transcribing yet? I don't know. I was just excited about life and the prospect of all the work that I would do.

So that is the better citizen aspect and how I relate to that when I read that Paul McCartney said that. And I certainly relate to Sting's Broken Music. The Cadbury Chocolate and all that! I mean, what can I say? My music is kind of a mixed up fractured thing, right? I'm lucky that I only have my clicky finger and partially dislocated right shoulder. I've taken some hits baby! Life is wonderful and I love my mechanical keyboard. I groove on Bob Balaban in 2010 with HAL!

yesterday
tomorrow
continue

2025-03-23    08:24:35 AM

....I'm just kind of an obsessive worker if you haven't noticed....

OK, let's logic this out....

If I have to leave this "apartment" place of mine, what would be the best thing to take with me?

In the moment, I lean towards the technology backpack, my bass in the nice case, a bag of clothing essentials, my piano tuning tools and possibly the tama microphone stand.

Q: Why?

The hope of someone picking me up and taking me to their home. With the technology, I can do the thing I love. I can drop my bass. The next to go would be the microphone stand. Without those tools, I can't record and do my website writing thing. And I lose all my digital assets again.

With electricity and my technology backpack, I'm in business. Not to make money. To do my thing. It is my profession. I make digital artifacts with it. Making things on demand doesn't work well for me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I left my tools so many times before, I just don't know what to do.

Would I haul my mixing board? Well, I have a nice case for it. It's a huge problem and well, how long can I hold out with all that stuff? Do people really want to see me hauling that? Is that "losing"? Is this a win/lose game? Going to Mars? My little life? What do I care? I want to do my profession. Yes, I've always worked to have a family in a traditional sense. But I'm a musician and it gets to be kinda a muse type thing. It's grueling work! And certainly out of this world rock star stuff. The rocks could just be drugs in my body that people want to get high off of. Quite literally. Or it could be excellent fuel for space! To keep me going. Who knows? This is what it means to be a modern rock star it seems. Cause I am all that. I want to get back to work! And have a lovely lady by my side who can have that front row thing with me. I'm easily reduced to tears and it's a lovely song that I love singing. And I can get my wild panther cat on.

This world is insane. So many lovely people of all types. . . . . . . . . . .

2025-03-23    08:00:37 AM

Cars
Planes
Ditches
Jazz
Rock
Fusion
w/Others
Alone
w/Women
w/Men
Pencils
Pens
Electric
No-Electric
Gas
Wood
Nature
Machine World
Walk
Bike
Sleep
Nap
Imprisoned
Humiliated
Celebrated
Ego
No-Ego
Selfish
Selfless
Pitch-in
Start of the Work Day
Building the future tools
Enjoying the artifacts

Compose a Lyric
Improvise a Melody
An old standard
A new love
My immutable way
My determination
Persistence
Goals?
My lists
Review of Successes/Failures
The scorecard
Picking a new task
The empty list problem (after the Navy) - the blank page
Determination
Logic


Definitely some fear in the moment this Sunday morning at 7:48am. The same old question and trial I suppose. Forced on me by other people, absolutely. Do I care about their forced agenda? On some things, no, not at all. If we were all the same, then you know.

I get on with my workday of course. Do I trust in the Mars mission? Well, not absolutely! Would being on the streets again be training for a Mars mission? It could be, yes, absolutely. Do I want that? Of course not! Do I want to go to Mars? Well, it's like a 50/50 on that. It's not suicide as I see it. But it isn't exactly, well, that's just it. If you read all this stuff, well, what would I do?

Read between the lines is what I suggest to my readers. I'm doing my freaking best here! This is not an easy gig whatever it is. I get all crazy about what to do next. The stupid money thing? Are you crazy? Take music gear. Haul it! Bicycle? Paper? Clothing? Food? Coffee machines? A cup of tea on the space station?


LOL! My neighbors are kinda like the family I grew up with. They don't play the radio or instruments. At least so far. I'm just playing with the speaker now that I have one. Will the power go out? And then they'll play? It could be fun, right? Or perhaps it'll all be silent except for me playing on my bass and singing? Right? No money, no coffee and no electricity? Whensa you thinking wesaw in trouble!

I needa vacation....
Q: Have any destinations in mind? Travel plans? Another work vacation? Is that how you roll?

2025-03-23    07:18:28 AM

OK, in full on presidential mode on this post. I said it a day or two ago....

If we lose just one essential element down here on Earth, then all of this modern world we see will essentially go away. I could think of a hundred things but certainly one of the big ones is coal. Iron and coal together make steel of different grades is what they say. If we can't make metal, then all we have is recycling. Without coal, what do we burn that is hot enough?

We may have decades left. Just keep that in mind when you go about your day and see the stuff out there. Buy the stuff! Go about your normal day unless the "real" president tells you/us otherwise. I'm just kinda a romantic space lunatic down here still. I'm ready to be the actual president or vice-president at any time though. And certainly going to Mars or the moon. Or maybe they are just making fun of me, but I doubt it. My phone has 4 days left on it and my bank account says I have $6.07. You know me, I don't care about the phone all that much. I do care about electricity! I train for the Mars mission and the presidency. That is my gig and no one goes to Mars without computers and a solid knowledge of software and music. We'd go if we could. Absolutely. It's likely just for show too, but I don't know. I'd say 85% it's just for show but in my heart it's closer to 95%. It's an incredible show though! Descending to Mars? Making a landing! Actually living there? Have 4 of us on Mars make it there? Perhaps that is all we can do? I don't have the specs!

2025-03-23    06:56:13 AM

Some of these so called typos are just too good to remove! It's a slightly different style for me. Going to Mars and dealing with the mental aspect of it all, especially prolonged weightlessness, is going to be challenging. If my code is not messed with, essentially altered in stress events, then I will absolutely shine up there (I am getting a strong positive from my neighbors on that line. I think I can actually hear them through the walls on that.). It's like, uh, playing with a metronome I guess is one example. It presses you in kinda a non-natural way to press a little further. Same thing with lifting weights. There is a better anology here. Uh, what is it? There is the playing with a silent brass mute. Uh, that's a little closer but I don't think it is the one I'm thinking about.

It's more physical. Holding you back like an exercise bike. Master Cheif Holdsworth and the Navy. Wow, I've put a whole new spin on him in an incredible way. I can't believe it. And I remember being in that Navy gym place on an exercise bike on the hill routine and just cranking the dang thing! That certainly works in space. The shoes. Pushing and pulling at the same time with those revolutions. Wouldn't want to sweat much up there though! And I don't. Whatever I have going on with my body, I don't sweat much. It's possible, but not the norm.

So many things to say and write about. I'm just on crazy info dump mode. I assume this is OK now, right? You can always step away if it is too much, right? You can't really step away from your life 100%. You are kinda stuck in your body and have to continue your journey right from where you are now. But you can just close this page and go to something more familiar. Nothing wrong with listening to your favorite song and stop listening to me for a while. You know I listen to other people's recordings too.

I sincerely hope that all those people in the rave scene I was involved in in late 2000 and the year after that are doing well. If they have been following me, we have been on a journey. Some of them probably have amazing lives. Some not so fortunate most likely. It's quite a show on my end.

2025-03-23    06:28:12 AM

Uh, with the weird "humiliation" vibe that I woke up to and the fear of it that lasted for about 30 seconds before I wiped that out, I considered all I have on my website and the writing I did yesterday.

This is all keeper stuff as far as I'm concerned, so I moved up the "end log" slug so that I would not lose all that. My DT Blog Utility program that I wrote and continue to exand is just freaking awesome and I can only assume I'd/we'd transmit from Mars with it. It makes a backup every time I press publish on it, so when I do a "blog reboot", nothing is truely lost. It'll all go away in tens of thousands of years, but wow, we may be making some serious history here and I'm just tankful for so much. I'm just freaking incredible and if I last another 10 minutes and it's just insane humiliation, well, I hope you are having a good time because I am kinda a sinner like that. Well, and a worker of course! A sin worker of sorts! Math study gets to be like that with all the engineering and cars and magnets and 12+ notes and alcohol rehab how many years ago? Uh, too many to count! I go to AA meetings and I am like "Back in 1987.... And then back in 1974" How old is your girlfriend want-to-bee? Well, I have some ideas and all. Some things on my wish list and some things on the grocery list and the laundry lists. I'm just kinda a step 4 "gal" like that. I like to know what is in my environment and then I come up with plans for using the stuff.

using AForge.Imaging; using AForge.Video; using AForge.Video.DirectShow; //using OpenCvSharp.CPlusPlus; using System; using System.Collections.Generic; using System.ComponentModel; using System.Data; using System.Diagnostics; using System.Drawing; using System.IO; using System.Linq; using System.Runtime.Remoting.Messaging; using System.Security.Cryptography; using System.Text; using System.Threading; using System.Threading.Tasks; using System.Windows.Forms; //using static System.Net.Mime.MediaTypeNames; //using static System.Windows.Forms.VisualStyles.VisualStyleElement; namespace DT_Blog_Utility { public partial class Form1 : Form { public static Form1 Instance { get; set; } FilterInfoCollection filterInfoCollection; VideoCaptureDevice videoCaptureDevice; public System.Windows.Forms.Timer CameraTimer { get; set; } private int CameraTimerFlip = 1; public System.Windows.Forms.Timer EnterFrameTimer { get; set; } private Thread CameraFormThread { get; set; } public bool RemoveCameraNextFrame = false; private bool ApplicationWasClosed { get; set; } public FormCamera CameraForm { get; set; } public bool CameraOn { get; set; } public int ScanTolerance { get; set; } public int ReadTolerance { get; set; } public Rectangle? ScanRectangle { get; set; } public int ToleranceCalculated { get; set; } public RachelsDrawingFun DrawingForm { get; set; } // third attempt at webcam // Create class-level accesible variables /* OpenCvSharp.VideoCapture capture; Mat frame; Bitmap image; private Thread camera; bool isCameraRunning = false; */ public Form1(string[] args) { InitializeComponent(); Instance = this; pictureBoxSource.BackgroundImageLayout = ImageLayout.Center; FormClosing += new FormClosingEventHandler(Form1_Closing); ToleranceCalculated = 0; EnterFrameTimer = new System.Windows.Forms.Timer(); EnterFrameTimer.Interval = 80; EnterFrameTimer.Tick += new EventHandler(EnterFrame); EnterFrameTimer.Start(); if(args.Length > 0) { // an image(s) was opened with this program // open a picture viewer! foreach(var arg in args) { OpenImage(arg); } //if(FormMothPictureViewer.Instance != null) //{ // FormMothPictureViewer.Instance.Focus(); //} } } private void EnterFrame(object sender, EventArgs e) { labelDateTime.Text = DateTime.Now.ToString("yyyy-MM-dd HH:mm:ss"); //if(FormMothPictureViewer.Instance != null) //{ // FormMothPictureViewer.Instance.DoEnterFrame(); //} } private void Form1_Load(object sender, EventArgs e) { // this can be dangerous!!! disabling for now, settings don't seem to be saving well /* string windowLocationStr = Properties.Settings.Default.Location; if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(windowLocationStr)) { this.Location = Newtonsoft.Json.JsonConvert.DeserializeObject<Point>(windowLocationStr); } */ textBoxScanTolerancePercentage.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.ScanTolerancePercentage; int val = 0; if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxScanTolerancePercentage.Text)) { int.TryParse(textBoxScanTolerancePercentage.Text, out val); } ScanTolerance = val; textBoxReadTolerancePercentage.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.ReadTolerancePercentage; int val2 = 0; if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxReadTolerancePercentage.Text)) { int.TryParse(textBoxReadTolerancePercentage.Text, out val2); } ReadTolerance = val2; textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.SourceImageFolder; textBoxImageDestinationFolder.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.DestinationImageFolder; textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.PictureClonerSourceFolder; textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.PictureClonerDestinationFolder; textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.SiteBaseFolder; textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.MasterHtmlFile; if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Properties.Settings.Default.BlogSlug)) { textBoxInsertSlug.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.BlogSlug; } if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Properties.Settings.Default.BlogDeleteSlug)) { textBoxDeleteSlug.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.BlogDeleteSlug; } if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Properties.Settings.Default.FileSizeConcatenator)) { textBoxFileNameSizeConcatenator.Text = Properties.Settings.Default.FileSizeConcatenator; } if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Properties.Settings.Default.RecipeImages)) { List<string> recipeImages = Newtonsoft.Json.JsonConvert.DeserializeObject<List<string>> (Properties.Settings.Default.RecipeImages); if(recipeImages.Count > 0) { foreach(var item in recipeImages) { listBoxRecipePictures.Items.Add(item); } } } if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Properties.Settings.Default.BlogImages)) { List<string> blogImages = Newtonsoft.Json.JsonConvert.DeserializeObject<List<string>>(Properties.Settings.Default.BlogImages); if (blogImages.Count > 0) { foreach (var item in blogImages) { listBoxBlogPictures.Items.Add(item); } } } FetchSourceImages(); } private void FetchSourceImages() { if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text) && Directory.Exists(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text)) { SourceImages = Directory.EnumerateFiles(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text).ToList(); List<string> imgFiles = new List<string>(); foreach (var file in SourceImages) { if (file.ToLower().IndexOf(".jpg") != -1 || file.ToLower().IndexOf(".png") != -1) { imgFiles.Add(file); } } SourceImages = imgFiles; SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex = 0; string lastBrowsedImage = Properties.Settings.Default.ImageBrowseLastImage; if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(lastBrowsedImage)) { for(int a = 0; a< SourceImages.Count; a++) { if (SourceImages[a] == lastBrowsedImage) { SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex = a; } } } RefreshSourceImage(); } } private void buttonBrowseSourceFolder_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { FolderBrowserDialog dialog = new FolderBrowserDialog(); dialog.SelectedPath = textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text; if(dialog.ShowDialog() == DialogResult.OK) { textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.SourceImageFolder = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); FetchSourceImages(); } } private void buttonBrowseDestinationFolder_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { FolderBrowserDialog dialog = new FolderBrowserDialog(); dialog.SelectedPath = textBoxImageDestinationFolder.Text; if (dialog.ShowDialog() == DialogResult.OK) { textBoxImageDestinationFolder.Text = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.DestinationImageFolder = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } } private List<string> SourceImages = new List<string>(); private int SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex = 0; private System.Drawing.Image ScaleToWidth (System.Drawing.Image pImage, int pWidth) { decimal nW = (decimal)pWidth;// new width decimal nH = 0; decimal wN = (decimal)pImage.Size.Width;// width now decimal hN = (decimal)pImage.Size.Height; nH = (hN * nW) / wN; return ResizeImage(pImage, (int)nW, (int)nH); } private System.Drawing.Image ScaleToHeight(System.Drawing.Image pImage, int pHeight) { decimal nW = 0;// new width decimal nH = (decimal)pHeight; decimal wN = (decimal)pImage.Size.Width;// width now decimal hN = (decimal)pImage.Size.Height; nW = (wN * nH) / hN; return ResizeImage(pImage, (int)nW, (int)nH); } private void RefreshSourceImage() { if(SourceImages.Count > 0 && SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex < SourceImages.Count) { pictureBoxSource.Image = null; this.Refresh(); var img = System.Drawing.Image.FromFile(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex]); // save image in settings so that image opens/sticks when app opens Properties.Settings.Default.ImageBrowseLastImage = SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex]; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); decimal wN = (decimal)pictureBoxSource.Width; decimal hN = (decimal)pictureBoxSource.Height; decimal wProp = (((decimal)img.Width) * hN) / ((decimal)img.Height); decimal hProp = (((decimal)img.Height) * wProp) / ((decimal)img.Width); if(wProp > wN || hProp > hN) { // flip the ratio (black bars on horizontal instead of vertical ish) if (wProp > wN) { wProp = wN; hProp = (((decimal)img.Height) * wN) / ((decimal)img.Width); } } //var img2 = Bitmap.FromFile(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex]); //img = new Size(wProp, hProp); img = ResizeImage(img, (int)wProp, (int)hProp); pictureBoxSource.Image = img; textBoxSourceImageName.Text = new FileInfo(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex]).Name; textBoxDestinationImageName.Text = textBoxSourceImageName.Text; ScanRectangle = null; } } public Size BestFit(Size pSizeSource, Size pSizeDestination) { decimal wN = (decimal)pSizeDestination.Width; decimal hN = (decimal)pSizeDestination.Height; decimal wProp = (((decimal)pSizeSource.Width) * hN) / ((decimal)pSizeSource.Height); decimal hProp = (((decimal)pSizeSource.Height) * wProp) / ((decimal)pSizeSource.Width); if (wProp > wN || hProp > hN) { // flip the ratio (black bars on horizontal instead of vertical ish) if (wProp > wN) { wProp = wN; hProp = (((decimal)pSizeSource.Height) * wN) / ((decimal)pSizeSource.Width); } } return new Size((int)wProp, (int)hProp); } public System.Drawing.Image ResizeImage(System.Drawing.Image image, int width, int height) { Bitmap bmp = new Bitmap(width, height); using (Graphics graphics = Graphics.FromImage(bmp)) { graphics.InterpolationMode = System.Drawing.Drawing2D.InterpolationMode.HighQualityBicubic; graphics.DrawImage(image, 0, 0, width, height); } return (System.Drawing.Image)bmp; } private void buttonNavigateSourceFolderBack_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(SourceImages.Count > -1) { SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex--; if(SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex < 0) { SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex = SourceImages.Count - 1; } RefreshSourceImage(); } } private void buttonNavigateSourceFolderForward_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (SourceImages.Count > -1) { SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex++; if (SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex > SourceImages.Count - 1) { SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex = 0; } RefreshSourceImage(); } } private string DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR { get { if (string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxImageDestinationFolder.Text)) return string.Empty; string destFolder = textBoxImageDestinationFolder.Text; string sourceFolder = textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text; string destImageName = textBoxDestinationImageName.Text; string sourceImageName = textBoxSourceImageName.Text; if (string.IsNullOrEmpty(destFolder)) { return Path.Combine(sourceFolder, sourceImageName); } return Path.Combine(destFolder, destImageName); } set { return; } } private void buttonResizeImage_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(SourceImages.Count < 1 || SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex > SourceImages.Count - 1) { MessageBox.Show("No source image selected."); return; } var img = System.Drawing.Image.FromFile(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex]); System.Drawing.Image imageResized = null; string destFilename = DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR; string ext = Path.GetExtension(destFilename); if (string.IsNullOrEmpty(DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR)) { MessageBox.Show("Destination FileName or Location is incomplete."); return; } string strResizeWidth = textBoxNewWidth.Text; string strResizeHeight = textBoxNewHeight.Text; if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(strResizeWidth) && !string.IsNullOrEmpty(strResizeHeight)) { MessageBox.Show("Only define a new width or a new height. This is a scaling function."); return; } if (string.IsNullOrEmpty(strResizeWidth) && string.IsNullOrEmpty(strResizeHeight)) { if(MessageBox.Show("No resize defined. This will just copy image to destination folder (and rename if defined). Proceed?", "Proceed with Image Copy", MessageBoxButtons.YesNo) == DialogResult.Yes) { img.Save(DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR); MessageBox.Show("File moved from source to destination."); return; } else { return; } } if(DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR.ToLower().Substring(DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR.Length - ext.Length) != ext.ToLower()) { destFilename = DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR + ext; } if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(strResizeWidth)) { imageResized = ScaleToWidth(img, int.Parse(strResizeWidth)); } else if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(strResizeHeight)) { imageResized = ScaleToHeight(img, int.Parse(strResizeHeight)); } if(checkBoxCopySourceImageToDestination.Checked) { img.Save(destFilename); } int w = imageResized.Width; int h = imageResized.Height; string imageSizeExtension = textBoxFileNameSizeConcatenator.Text + w.ToString() + "x" + h.ToString() + ext; destFilename = destFilename.Substring(0, destFilename.IndexOf(ext)) + imageSizeExtension; imageResized.Save(destFilename); MessageBox.Show("Resize Comlete!"); } private void buttonClearResizeFields_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { textBoxDestinationImageName.Text = textBoxSourceImageName.Text; textBoxNewWidth.Text = ""; textBoxNewHeight.Text = ""; } private void buttonOpenSourceImage_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { string file = Path.Combine(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text, textBoxSourceImageName.Text); Process.Start(file); //OpenImage(file); } public void OpenImage(string file) { if(!File.Exists(file)) { MessageBox.Show("The app tried to open a file that does not exist!"); return; } // for the singlton way if (false) { //if (FormMothPictureViewer.Instance == null) //{ // new FormMothPictureViewer(file); //} //else //{ // FormMothPictureViewer.Instance.Init(file); //} //FormMothPictureViewer.Instance.Show(); } else { // multiple instances of picture viewer List<string> files = new List<string>(); files.Add(file); // removed when pictureviewer was taken out of this namespace as a new project in the solution //var pv = new FormMothPictureViewer(files.ToArray()); //pv.Show(); //pv.Focus(); } } private void buttonRefreshSourceFolder_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { string currentImageFileName = textBoxSourceImageName.Text; textBoxSourceImageName.Text = ""; FetchSourceImages(); if(SourceImages.Count > 0) { for(int a = 0; a < SourceImages.Count; a++) { if (new FileInfo(SourceImages[a]).Name == currentImageFileName) { SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex = a; break; } } RefreshSourceImage(); //textBoxSourceImageName.Text = new FileInfo(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex]).Name; } } private void textBoxSourceImageName_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { } private void buttonPictureClonerSourceBrowse_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { FolderBrowserDialog dialog = new FolderBrowserDialog(); dialog.SelectedPath = textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text; if (dialog.ShowDialog() == DialogResult.OK) { textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.PictureClonerSourceFolder = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } } private void buttonPictureClonerDestinationBrowser_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { FolderBrowserDialog dialog = new FolderBrowserDialog(); dialog.SelectedPath = textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text; if (dialog.ShowDialog() == DialogResult.OK) { textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.PictureClonerDestinationFolder = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } } private void buttonPictureClonerGo_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text) || string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text)) { MessageBox.Show("Please select source and destination folders."); } if(!Directory.Exists(textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text) || !Directory.Exists(textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text)) { MessageBox.Show("Source or destination folder does not exist!"); return; } List<string> srcImages = Directory.EnumerateFiles(textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text).ToList(); if(srcImages.Count < 1) { MessageBox.Show("Source folder is empty!"); return; } int fileCopyCount = 0; foreach (var file in srcImages) { string newPath = Path.Combine(textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text, new FileInfo(file).Name); if (File.Exists(newPath)) continue; byte[] fileBytes = File.ReadAllBytes(file); File.WriteAllBytes(newPath, fileBytes); fileCopyCount++; } if(checkBoxPictureClonerDeleteAllFromSource.Checked) { if (MessageBox.Show("Are you sure you want to delete files from source?", "Delete Files from Source?", MessageBoxButtons.YesNo) == DialogResult.Yes) { foreach (var file in srcImages) { File.Delete(file); } } } MessageBox.Show("File copy complete! " + fileCopyCount.ToString() + " files moved."); } private void buttonAddToRecipesFromResizer_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(!File.Exists(Path.Combine(textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text, DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR))) { MessageBox.Show("Could not find resized image in destination folder. Did not add to recipes."); return; } AddImageToRecipesOrBlog(DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR, "recipes"); } private void buttonAddToBlogFromResizer_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (!File.Exists(Path.Combine(textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text, DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR))) { MessageBox.Show("Could not find resized image in destination folder. Did not add to blog."); return; } AddImageToRecipesOrBlog(DESTINATION_FILENAME_ACCESSOR, "blog"); } private void buttonAddToRecipesFromSource_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(SourceImages.Count < 1 || SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex > SourceImages.Count - 1 || !File.Exists(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex])) { MessageBox.Show("Could not find resized image in source folder. Did not add to recipes."); return; } AddImageToRecipesOrBlog(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex], "recipes"); } private void buttonAddToBlogFromSource_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (SourceImages.Count < 1 || SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex > SourceImages.Count - 1 || !File.Exists(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex])) { MessageBox.Show("Could not find resized image in source folder. Did not add to blog."); return; } AddImageToRecipesOrBlog(SourceImages[SourceImagesCurrentImageIndex], "blog"); } private void AddImageToRecipesOrBlog(string pFile, string pRecipesOPrBlog) { if(pRecipesOPrBlog == "recipes") { if(!listBoxRecipePictures.Items.Contains(pFile)) { listBoxRecipePictures.Items.Add(pFile); } } else { if(!listBoxBlogPictures.Items.Contains(pFile)) { listBoxBlogPictures.Items.Add(pFile); } } } private void buttonRemoveRecipePicture_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(listBoxRecipePictures.SelectedItems.Count > 0) { listBoxRecipePictures.Items.Remove(listBoxRecipePictures.SelectedItems[0]); listBoxRecipePictures.Refresh(); } } private void buttonRemoveBlogPicture_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (listBoxBlogPictures.SelectedItems.Count > 0) { listBoxBlogPictures.Items.Remove(listBoxBlogPictures.SelectedItems[0]); listBoxBlogPictures.Refresh(); } } private void textBoxInsertSlug_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.RecipeSlug = textBoxInsertSlug.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxBlogSlug_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.BlogSlug = textBoxInsertSlug.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private string FindImageLowRes(string pImg) { if (!File.Exists(pImg)) return string.Empty; FileInfo fi = new FileInfo(pImg); List<string> files = Directory.EnumerateFiles(fi.DirectoryName).ToList(); foreach(string file in files) { if (file == pImg) continue; FileInfo fi2 = new FileInfo(pImg); string fileNameProp = fi2.Name.Substring(0, fi2.Name.Length - fi2.Extension.Length) + textBoxFileNameSizeConcatenator.Text; if(file.IndexOf(fileNameProp) > -1) { // this is the resized image for the img parameter return file; } } return string.Empty; } string ConvertWindowsPathToUrl(string path) { return path.Replace("\\", "/"); } private string ComposeImageLink(string pImg) { string imgUrl = pImg.Substring(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text.Length); string thumbnail = FindImageLowRes(pImg); if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(thumbnail)) { thumbnail = thumbnail.Substring(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text.Length); } if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(thumbnail)) { return " "; } else { return "<img src=\"." + ConvertWindowsPathToUrl(imgUrl) + "\" class=\"imageBorder\" />"; } } private string MyReplace(string pStr, string pDelimiter, string pConcatenator) { if (string.IsNullOrEmpty(pStr)) return string.Empty; List<string> arr = pStr.Split(pDelimiter.ToCharArray()).ToList(); StringBuilder sb = new StringBuilder(); foreach(string item in arr) { sb.Append(item); sb.Append(pConcatenator); } return sb.ToString(); } private string BuildHtml() { if(!File.Exists(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text)) { MessageBox.Show("Could not find Master HTML file."); return string.Empty; } StringBuilder sb = new StringBuilder(); string html = File.ReadAllText(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text); int blogInsertIndexOf = html.IndexOf(textBoxInsertSlug.Text); if(blogInsertIndexOf == -1) { return html; } if(checkBoxDeletePreviousPosts.Checked) { if(html.IndexOf(textBoxDeleteSlug.Text) > -1) { string htmlStart = html.Substring(0, html.IndexOf(textBoxInsertSlug.Text) + textBoxInsertSlug.Text.Length); string htmlEnd = html.Substring(html.IndexOf(textBoxDeleteSlug.Text)); html = htmlStart + Environment.NewLine + Environment.NewLine + htmlEnd; } } // grab the two log text box content and add line breaks on system new line // we'll leave old content as is, however it got there, we don't want to mess with it, it'll never get back into these boxes, right? string recipeStr = MyReplace(textBoxRecipeText.Text, "\r", "\r<br>"); string logStr = MyReplace(textBoxBlogText.Text, "\r", "\r<br>"); string date = DateTime.Now.ToString("yyyy-MM-dd ") + "   " + DateTime.Now.ToString("HH:mm:ss tt"); sb.AppendLine(""); sb.AppendLine(""); sb.AppendLine("<div class='post'>"); sb.AppendLine("<h4>" + date + "</h4>"); if(listBoxRecipePictures.Items.Count > 0) { foreach (string img in listBoxRecipePictures.Items) { sb.AppendLine(ComposeImageLink(img)); sb.AppendLine("<br /><br />"); } sb.AppendLine("<br />"); sb.AppendLine(); sb.AppendLine(""); } if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(recipeStr)) { sb.Append(recipeStr); //sb.AppendLine("<br /><br />"); //sb.AppendLine(); //sb.AppendLine(""); } if (listBoxBlogPictures.Items.Count > 0) { foreach (string img in listBoxBlogPictures.Items) { sb.AppendLine(ComposeImageLink(img)); sb.AppendLine("<br /><br />"); } sb.AppendLine("<br />"); sb.AppendLine(); sb.AppendLine(""); } if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(logStr)) { sb.Append(logStr); //sb.AppendLine("<br /><br />"); //sb.AppendLine(); //sb.AppendLine(""); } sb.AppendLine("</div>"); html = html.Substring(0, blogInsertIndexOf + textBoxInsertSlug.Text.Length) + sb.ToString() + html.Substring(blogInsertIndexOf + textBoxInsertSlug.Text.Length + 2); return html; } private void buttonInsertIntoProduction_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(!Directory.Exists(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text)) { if(MessageBox.Show("Could not create backup in _backup folder. Do you wish to proceed without a backup?", "! Proceed without Backup?", MessageBoxButtons.YesNo) == DialogResult.No) { return; } } else { FileInfo fi = new FileInfo(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text); string dateTime = DateTime.Now.ToString("_yyyy_MM_dd-hh_mm_ss"); string backupFileName = fi.Name.Substring(0, fi.Name.Length - fi.Extension.Length) + dateTime + fi.Extension; File.Copy(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text, Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, "_backup", backupFileName)); } string html = BuildHtml(); File.WriteAllText(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text, html); if (textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.IndexOf(".php") != -1) { var tempFileName = textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.Substring(0, textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.IndexOf(".php")) + "_master_temp.html"; var tempFile = Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, tempFileName); File.WriteAllText(tempFile, File.ReadAllText(Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text))); Process.Start(tempFileName); } else { Process.Start(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text); } MessageBox.Show("File saved to production."); } private void buttonPreview_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { string html = BuildHtml(); FileInfo fi = new FileInfo(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text); string url = Path.Combine(fi.DirectoryName, textBoxPreviewFileName.Text); File.WriteAllText(url, html); Process.Start(url); } private void textBoxFileNameSizeConcatenator_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.FileSizeConcatenator = textBoxFileNameSizeConcatenator.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxPreviewFileName_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.PreviewHtmlFile = textBoxPreviewFileName.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxMasterHtmlFile_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.MasterHtmlFile = textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.PictureClonerSourceFolder = textBoxPictureClonerSourceFolder.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.PictureClonerDestinationFolder = textBoxPictureClonerDestinationFolder.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxImageDestinationFolder_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.DestinationImageFolder = textBoxImageDestinationFolder.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxImageSourceFolder_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.SourceImageFolder = textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void buttonMasterHtmlFileBrowse_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { FileDialog dialog = new OpenFileDialog(); if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text)) { if(Directory.Exists(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text)) { dialog.InitialDirectory = textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text; } } if(dialog.ShowDialog() == DialogResult.OK) { textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text = dialog.FileName; Properties.Settings.Default.MasterHtmlFile = dialog.FileName; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } } private void buttonSiteBaseFolder_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { var dialog = new FolderBrowserDialog(); dialog.SelectedPath = textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text; if (dialog.ShowDialog () == DialogResult.OK) { textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.SiteBaseFolder = dialog.SelectedPath; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } } private void CameraTimerTick(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (FormCamera._instance == null) return; if (FormCamera._instance.SizeIsChanging) return; if (!CameraOn) return; CameraTimerFlip *= -1; if(CameraTimerFlip == 1) { buttonCamera.BackColor = buttonPreview.BackColor; buttonCamera.ForeColor = buttonPreview.ForeColor; } else { buttonCamera.BackColor = Color.Red; buttonCamera.ForeColor = Color.White; } if(RemoveCameraNextFrame) { buttonCamera.BackColor = buttonPreview.BackColor; buttonCamera.ForeColor = buttonPreview.ForeColor; //if (!CameraFormThread.IsAlive) //{ // RemoveCameraNextFrame = false; // DestroyCameraAction(); //} if(CameraForm != null) { CameraForm.Visible = false; //CameraForm.Close(); //DestroyCameraAction(); //CameraForm = null; } } } //c# webcam capture picture public void FinalFrame_NewFrame(System.Drawing.Image pImg) { if(!CameraOn) return; if(pictureBoxSource.InvokeRequired) { // Call this same method but append THREAD2 to the text Action safeWrite = delegate { FinalFrame_NewFrame(pImg); }; pictureBoxSource.Invoke(safeWrite); } else { System.Drawing.Image bmp = pImg; Size sourceSize = new Size(bmp.Width, bmp.Height); Size destinationSize = new Size(pictureBoxSource.Width, pictureBoxSource.Height); Size newSize = BestFit(sourceSize, destinationSize); pictureBoxSource.Image = ResizeImage(bmp, newSize.Width, newSize.Height); } } private void buttonCamera_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(FormCamera._instance == null) { CameraForm = new FormCamera(this); CameraForm.Show(); CameraForm.Init(); CameraTimer = new System.Windows.Forms.Timer(); CameraTimer.Interval = 500; CameraTimer.Tick += new EventHandler(CameraTimerTick); } if(CameraOn) { // turn camera off CameraOn = false; buttonCamera.BackColor = buttonPreview.BackColor; buttonCamera.ForeColor = buttonPreview.ForeColor; CameraTimer.Stop(); FormCamera._instance.Visible = false; } else { CameraOn = true; CameraTimer.Start(); FormCamera._instance.Visible = true; FormCamera._instance.TopMost = true; } } public void CameraSaveSnappedImage(Bitmap img) { string filename = Path.Combine(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text, DateTime.Now.ToString("yyyy-MM-dd_hh.mm.ss") + "_dt_blog_image.jpg"); img.Save(filename); } public void DestroyCamera() { CameraOn = false; RefreshSourceImage(); RemoveCameraNextFrame = true; } private void Form1_Closing(Object sender, FormClosingEventArgs e) { if(!ApplicationWasClosed) { Point windowLocation = new Point(this.Top, this.Left); string jsonRecipeImages = Newtonsoft.Json.JsonConvert.SerializeObject(listBoxRecipePictures.Items); string jsonBlogImages = Newtonsoft.Json.JsonConvert.SerializeObject(listBoxBlogPictures.Items); string jsonWindowLocation = Newtonsoft.Json.JsonConvert.SerializeObject(windowLocation); Properties.Settings.Default.RecipeImages = jsonRecipeImages; Properties.Settings.Default.BlogImages = jsonBlogImages; Properties.Settings.Default.Location = jsonWindowLocation; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); ApplicationWasClosed = true; Application.Exit(); } } private void buttonViewProduction_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.IndexOf(".php") != -1) { var tempFileName = textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.Substring(0, textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.IndexOf(".php")) + "_temp.html"; var tempFile = Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, tempFileName); File.WriteAllText(tempFile, File.ReadAllText(Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text))); Process.Start(tempFileName); return; } Process.Start(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text); } private void buttonInsertLineBreakBlog_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { // deleted listener //InsertTextIntoBlogTextBox("<br><br>"); } private void InsertTextIntoBlogTextBox(string txt, int pNewCaretPosition = -1, int pSelectionLength = 0) { string str = textBoxBlogText.Text.Substring(0, textBoxBlogText.SelectionStart); string str2 = textBoxBlogText.Text.Substring(textBoxBlogText.SelectionStart); textBoxBlogText.Text = str + txt + str2 + Environment.NewLine; textBoxBlogText.Focus(); if(pNewCaretPosition > -1) { textBoxBlogText.SelectionStart = pNewCaretPosition; textBoxBlogText.SelectionLength = 0; } else { textBoxBlogText.SelectionStart = str.Length; textBoxBlogText.SelectionLength = 0; } textBoxBlogText.ScrollToCaret(); } private void buttonClearTextBlog_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { textBoxBlogText.Text = ""; } private void buttonRemoveAllPicturesBlog_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { listBoxBlogPictures.Items.Clear(); } private void textBoxDeleteSlug_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { Properties.Settings.Default.BlogDeleteSlug = textBoxDeleteSlug.Text; Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void Trace(string msg) { //Debug.Write(msg); } private int PixelBrightness(Color c) { return (c.R + c.G + c.B) / 3; } private bool DetectPixelOn(Color c, int tolerance) { // add them all up, average and compare to tolerance (0-255) //int average = byte.Parse(c.R.ToString() + c.G.ToString() + c.B.ToString()) / 3; //int average = (c.R + c.G + c.B) / 3; if (c.R < tolerance && c.G < tolerance && c.B < tolerance) return true; //if (c.R < tolerance && c.G < tolerance && c.R < tolerance) return true; //if (average < tolerance) return true; //if (c.GetBrightness() < (tolerance / 255) * .5) return true; //int hitCount = 0; //if (c.R < tolerance) hitCount++; //if (c.G < tolerance) hitCount++; //if (c.B < tolerance) hitCount++; //if (hitCount > 1) return true; return false; } private void buttonScanCode_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { Bitmap bmp = Bitmap.FromFile(Path.Combine(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text, textBoxSourceImageName.Text)) as Bitmap; int darkCount = 0; int lightCount = 0; Color c; int randomRow = (new Random()).Next(0, bmp.Height); int randomCol = (new Random()).Next(0, bmp.Width); int minX = -1; int maxX = -1; int minY = -1; int maxY = -1; int lightestPixel = 0; int darkestPixel = 255; // first find lightest light and darkest dark for (int row = 0; row < bmp.Height; row++) { for (int col = 0; col < bmp.Width; col++) { c = bmp.GetPixel(col, row); int bright = PixelBrightness(c); if (bright > lightestPixel) lightestPixel = bright; if (bright < darkestPixel) darkestPixel = bright; } } // now reset tolerance ToleranceCalculated = darkestPixel + ((int)((decimal)(((lightestPixel - darkestPixel)) / 2) * ((decimal)(((decimal)ScanTolerance) / ((decimal)(100)))))); Trace("lightestPixel: " + lightestPixel.ToString()); Trace("darkestPixel: " + darkestPixel.ToString()); Trace("tolerance: " + ToleranceCalculated.ToString()); int hitCount = 0; for (int row = 0; row < bmp.Height; row++) { for(int col = 0; col < bmp.Width; col++) { c = bmp.GetPixel(col, row); //if(row == randomRow && col == randomCol) //{ // MessageBox.Show(c.ToString()); // MessageBox.Show((c.R).ToString()); //} if(DetectPixelOn(c, ToleranceCalculated)) { hitCount++; if(hitCount < 1000) { Trace("pixel color: " + c.ToString()); } darkCount++; if (maxX == -1) maxX = col; if(col > maxX) maxX = col; if (minX == -1) minX = col; if (col < minX) minX = col; maxY = row; if (minY == -1) minY = row; } else { lightCount++; } } } bool isLandscape = false; if(maxX - minX > maxY - minY) { isLandscape = true; } Trace("lightCount: " + lightCount.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "darkCount: " + darkCount.ToString()); Trace( "minX: " + minX.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "maxX: " + maxX.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "minY: " + minY.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "maxY: " + maxY.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + Environment.NewLine + "Image Width: " + bmp.Width + Environment.NewLine + "Image Height: " + bmp.Height); MessageBox.Show( "minX: " + minX.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "maxX: " + maxX.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "minY: " + minY.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + "maxY: " + maxY.ToString() + Environment.NewLine + Environment.NewLine + "Image Width: " + bmp.Width + Environment.NewLine + "Image Height: " + bmp.Height); Trace("isLandscape: " + isLandscape.ToString()); ScanRectangle = new Rectangle(minX, minY, maxX - minX, maxY - minY); ShowScanDocument(bmp, ScanRectangle.Value); } private void textBoxScanTolerance_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { int val = 0; if(!string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxScanTolerancePercentage.Text)) { int.TryParse(textBoxScanTolerancePercentage.Text, out val); } ScanTolerance = val; Properties.Settings.Default.ScanTolerancePercentage = val.ToString(); Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void textBoxReadTolerancePercentage_TextChanged(object sender, EventArgs e) { int val = 0; if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(textBoxReadTolerancePercentage.Text)) { int.TryParse(textBoxReadTolerancePercentage.Text, out val); } ReadTolerance = val; Properties.Settings.Default.ReadTolerancePercentage = val.ToString(); Properties.Settings.Default.Save(); } private void DrawRectangleOnBitmap(Bitmap bmp, Color c, int x, int y, int width, int height) { for (int row = y; row < y + height; row++) { for (int col = x; col < x + width; col++) { if (row == y || row == y + height - 1) { bmp.SetPixel(col, row, c); } else if (col == x || col == x + width - 1) { bmp.SetPixel(col, row, c); } } } } private void ShowScanDocument(Bitmap bmp, Rectangle rect) { int bmpOriginalWidth = bmp.Width; int bmpOriginalHeight = bmp.Height; if (bmp.Width > this.Width - 50 && bmp.Height > this.Height - 50) { bmp = (Bitmap)ScaleToHeight(bmp as System.Drawing.Image, 920); if (bmp.Width > 1860) bmp = (Bitmap)ScaleToWidth(bmp as System.Drawing.Image, 1860); } decimal scaleFactor = 1; if(bmp.Height != bmpOriginalHeight) { scaleFactor = (decimal)bmp.Height / (decimal)bmpOriginalHeight; } int formPadding = 10; Form f = new Form(); PictureBox pictureBox = new PictureBox(); pictureBox.Image = bmp; f.Controls.Add(pictureBox); pictureBox.Left = formPadding; pictureBox.Top = formPadding; pictureBox.Width = bmp.Width + formPadding; pictureBox.Height = bmp.Height + formPadding; f.Show(); // mutate rect by scale factor Rectangle scaledRect = new Rectangle(); scaledRect.Width = (int)( ((decimal)rect.Width) * scaleFactor); scaledRect.Height = (int)( ((decimal)rect.Height) * scaleFactor); scaledRect.X = (int)(((decimal)rect.X) * scaleFactor); scaledRect.Y = (int)(((decimal)rect.Y) * scaleFactor); DrawRectangleOnBitmap(bmp, Color.Red, scaledRect.X, scaledRect.Y, scaledRect.Width, scaledRect.Height); f.Width = bmp.Width + (2 * formPadding); f.Height = bmp.Height + (2 * formPadding); } private void buttonReadCode_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { if(ScanRectangle == null) { MessageBox.Show("You must first click Scan Code to define the bounding rectangle."); return; } Bitmap bmp = Bitmap.FromFile(Path.Combine(textBoxImageSourceFolder.Text, textBoxSourceImageName.Text)) as Bitmap; var rect = ScanRectangle.Value; bool cellState = false; int analyzingRow = rect.Y + (rect.Height / 2); StringBuilder sb = new StringBuilder(); // find row min/max color int lightestPixel = 0; int darkestPixel = 255; Color c; // first find lightest light and darkest dark for (int row = 0; row < bmp.Height; row++) { for (int col = 0; col < bmp.Width; col++) { c = bmp.GetPixel(col, row); int bright = PixelBrightness(c); if (bright > lightestPixel) lightestPixel = bright; if (bright < darkestPixel) darkestPixel = bright; } } int rowToleranceBreakPoint = darkestPixel + ((int)(((decimal)lightestPixel - (decimal)darkestPixel) * ((decimal) ((decimal)ReadTolerance / (decimal)100)))); int pixelValue = 0; int subWidth = rect.Width; //int subHeight = 250;// testing.... bool lastState = false; string cellStateStr; // analyze a row for (int col = 0; col < subWidth; col++) { pixelValue = PixelBrightness(bmp.GetPixel(rect.X + col, analyzingRow)); cellState = false; if (pixelValue < rowToleranceBreakPoint) cellState = true; //cellState = DetectPixelOn(bmp.GetPixel(col, analyzingRow), ToleranceCalculated); cellStateStr = (cellState ? "1" : "0"); if (cellState != lastState) { sb.Append(Environment.NewLine + cellStateStr); } else { sb.Append(cellStateStr); } lastState = cellState; } Rectangle analyzedRectangle = new Rectangle(rect.X, analyzingRow, subWidth, 3); ShowScanDocument(bmp, analyzedRectangle); MessageBox.Show("Binary Row Data" + Environment.NewLine + sb.ToString()); } private void buttonMath_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { var f = new RachelsDrawingFun(); f.Show(); } private void buttonBookSlug_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { InsertTextIntoBlogTextBox("<b><strike>Book</strike> Movie Report:</b> <i></i><br><br>", 46); } private void buttonOpenMasterHtml_Click(object sender, EventArgs e) { //if (textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.IndexOf(".php") != -1) //{ // var tempFileName = textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.Substring(0, textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text.IndexOf(".php")) + "_temp.html"; // var tempFile = Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, tempFileName); // File.WriteAllText(tempFile, // File.ReadAllText(Path.Combine(textBoxSiteBaseFolder.Text, textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text))); // Process.Start(tempFileName); // return; //} Process.Start(textBoxMasterHtmlFile.Text); } } }

....just saying that I know how to code and likely coding and message transmission is more important that wrench skills on the mission to Mars. Of course I know some wrench things as well. Half inch, 9/16, 3/8 (three apes), 4mm, 3mm, roller bearing, bushing, cotter pin, wing nut, C-Clamp. Switch, button, potentiometer, dial. Yeah....

using DT_Blog_Utility.src; using System; using System.Collections.Generic; using System.ComponentModel; using System.Data; using System.Drawing; using System.Linq; using System.Text; using System.Threading.Tasks; using System.Windows.Forms; namespace DT_Blog_Utility { public partial class RachelsDrawingFun : Form { public static RachelsDrawingFun Instance { get; set; } private Timer mTimer { get;set; } private List<RachelsLineObject> DrawingObjects = new List<RachelsLineObject>(); public RachelsDrawingFun() { InitializeComponent(); Instance = this; if (false) { CreateLineObjects(); mTimer = new Timer(); mTimer.Interval = 100; mTimer.Tick += new EventHandler(EnterFrame); mTimer.Start(); } else { CreateTriangleCircles(); } this.FormClosing += new FormClosingEventHandler(Destroy); this.Resize += new EventHandler(DoResize); } private void RachelsDrawingFun_Load(object sender, EventArgs e) { BackColor = Color.Black; CreateTriangleCircles(); } private void CreateTriangleCircles() { // we are drawing a randomish triangle (three connected points) // and then using each side of the triangle as the radius in a circle we will draw // and we'll use trig to draw the points of the circle (dots) // let's get started and time this little exercise // my clock says 7:57pm // stepping through the code, this should be working at 8:27pm // just drawing the three points. Likely interference from outside sources. // prove it? Move on? What to do? Resentment? Fear? Surrender. Rest? Choose another project? Dinner? 30 minutes elapsed time. // 10 minutes of fixing math errors. 10 minutes of fighting something that should work. Appoximately. // Test of my honesty? Certainly. // will see the error of my ways tomorrow? Unknown. // further reflection.... // I used random.next in the new Point, but could not check the math. NO, the points were checked. Each was a valid point in the bounds of the window. // continueing on at 8:32pm after reflection, going to do graphics.fillrectangles, so will have to define rectangle objects // 8:39pm the fillrectangles method checks out mathematically but still doesn't draw on the form.graphics // could try this project in javascript on the canvas // why am I using visual studio? // couldn't make a living with Flash/AIR anymore // why? // went out of style, unions/world didn't find it useful enough, needed to move people on to other activities more in line with needs of society whatever those may be // or just personally needed to frustrate me for presidential learning experience. or both most likely. // mars mission? that's what I train for. Are you just being a ass hole dick to your neighbor? // I don't see it like that. I've never really known any of my neighbors. // you make a lot of music/noise, right? // yes, I'm a musician // why don't you play in clubs? // all kinds of reasons, likely mars training. // all alone is space, we'd do it if we could, I'd make millions in my 20/30's with music if I could, I'm an engineer now. // I don't care about money like that anymore. I'm perfect for a space mission. Absolutely perfect to do that alone. We all take some risks in life. // 8:44pm What to do next? Well if they block this. Hmm.... Try another activity? Take a nap? See programming error tomorrow morning at 3am on fresh start? Get lucky? // food problem? Yes, it's a big problem. Can neighbor help? Likely. Will neighbor help? Possibly. Will church help? Possibly. Trust? // I trust my skills. Trust my work. I continue to do my work. Will do that to the end. // Will they force you to change? Possibly. I don't have control over other people. // Just zen and child innocence, right? Yes, presidential innocense/trust. An inquiry into morals I suppose. A display of 3d god. And 4d higher power humanity. // And a visual example of retirement surrender in the western world (whatever it is). // why? State of education and electronics. A changing world. Communication without physical devices and their limitations. Lack of electronic video, sound and tactile interaction. // Test of love and compassion? Test of romance on my end. Male female? Should I change my dating profile to be more accurate for my feelings today? // my 4d reality of impermanent male/female desires // my human limitations and desire to not accept everything // ideas that longer life isn't the only thing there is. // some things worth fighting for and choices we make // ok to die, ok for others to not support you // ok to follow me anyway. To join me. Concepts of leadership. Display of leadership powers and capabilities. // bending over for computer is bad. Solution? Raise monitor to straight ahead back height. Espresso machine as the grounding block? Yes, it is heavy enough. // online meeting desire? Yes, on my end. Reality is that it is not working. Why? I don't know. Others are not receptive. Solution? // go with what is working. My isolation and writing is working obviously. Theory of end of computers and need for physical book copies. Amazon problem. // Solution download Adobe Trial? I guess. I paid them thousands of dollars for software that is hard to make but likely they all became rich while I sturggled to pay them. // Resentment? I don't know? Kinda. It's a stressor that makes me stronger looking for possible solutions. The DT Blog Utility is working well. Camera program is // frustrating. Why would you rather continue fighting this coding thing than play music with others? I don't know. It just is. // Willing to fight for you culture eh? Yes. It is my baby like that. I feel alone. It is an introvert culture. An online culture. // If people do not like my music performances/practice software thing as is, then ideally I'd move to someplace more isolated with a good internet connection. // Ideally there would be fun online meetings to attend to do my music thing. // I enjoy talking psychology and doing my music in the background. I could do little shows like that all day. Playing music while I hear new people talk about their lives. // Walking door to door (shoe leather) is ridiculous. I learned that in 2014 and then reinforced in 2018. // Hate directed at your decisions? It does feel that way sometimes. It's all bittersweet and passive/aggressive. Retirement psychology is interesting. // how many forced LTRs have you had? Well, less than ideal, I'd say at least 5 of 7. I got used to them pretty quick. I can learn to love most people. It gets tiring though. // Transgender hate? Even from Sting? I don't know. Too hard to tell. I wish this code worked. Should I put in a work order to my case manager??? // lets define a range for these to keep them in the window of opportunity // it's a Rectangle, right? int x1 = (int)((decimal)this.Width * (decimal).25); int x2 = (int)((decimal)this.Width * ((decimal)((decimal).25 + (decimal).5))); int y1 = (int)((decimal)this.Height * (decimal).25); int y2 = (int)((decimal)this.Height * ((decimal)((decimal).25 + (decimal).5))); // OinK!@ Let's make a rectangle | ^ var rect = new Rectangle(x1, y1, x2 - x1, y2 - y1);// thank you auto whatever for completing the y2 - y1! so helpful! Good response right now too. oh, I'm on the clock! var r = new Random(); Point p1 = new Point(r.Next(rect.X, rect.X + rect.Width), r.Next(rect.Y, rect.Y + rect.Height)); Point p2 = new Point(r.Next(rect.X, rect.X + rect.Width), r.Next(rect.Y, rect.Y + rect.Height)); Point p3 = new Point(r.Next(rect.X, rect.X + rect.Width), r.Next(rect.Y, rect.Y + rect.Height)); // make rectanges of 1,1 or 2,2 for each of these points Rectangle r1 = new Rectangle(p1, new Size(1,1)); Rectangle r2 = new Rectangle(p2, new Size(1, 1)); Rectangle r3 = new Rectangle(p3, new Size(1, 1)); // graph em! // plot them //var pb = new PictureBox(); //pb.Width = this.Width; //pb.Height = this.Height; var g = this.CreateGraphics(); //g.Clear(Color.Black); g.DrawRectangle(new Pen(Color.Red), r1); g.DrawRectangle(new Pen(Color.Red), r2); g.DrawRectangle(new Pen(Color.Red), r3); g.FillRectangle(Brushes.Red, r1); g.FillRectangle(Brushes.Red, r2); g.FillRectangle(Brushes.Red, r3); //this.Controls.Add(pb); //return; // draw the connections. We'll just use draw line for this g.DrawLine(new Pen(Color.LightBlue), p1, p2); g.DrawLine(new Pen(Color.LightBlue), p1, p3); g.DrawLine(new Pen(Color.LightBlue), p2, p3); // check our work with the lovely coding } private void CreateLineObjects() { Random r = new Random(); for (int i = 0; i < 7; i++) { var line = new RachelsLineObject(this, Width, Height); line.X = Width / 2 - (30 * i); line.Y = Height / 2 - (30 * i); line.RotationSpeed = ((decimal)(r.Next(10)) + 12); line.Rotation = (decimal)(r.Next(360)); line.RegistrationPercentage = (decimal)r.Next(int.MaxValue) / int.MaxValue; line.Length = 100; line.Direction = (decimal)(r.Next(360)); line.Speed = ((decimal)(r.Next(10)) + 8); DrawingObjects.Add(line); } } public void DoResize(object sender, EventArgs e) { CreateTriangleCircles(); foreach(var line in DrawingObjects) { line.StageHeight = Height; line.StageWidth = Width; } } private void EnterFrame(object sender, EventArgs e) { var g = this.CreateGraphics(); g.Clear(Color.Black); foreach(var line in DrawingObjects) { line.RenderFrame(g); } } private void Destroy(object sender, EventArgs e) { if (mTimer == null) return; mTimer.Stop(); mTimer.Dispose(); mTimer = null; } } }

2025-03-23    06:16:07 AM

Good morning! Hope you got some sleep or at least some nice relaxation.

I woke up to a fear idea. The idea that my neighbors are sports people (they certainly are) and that their game with me is to humiliate me, more. Of course I am resistant to that. I do what I can. What can I say? It's a tough job this going to Mars and president stuff and I see that as part of the training.

I've watched about 2 sports games on TV since 1989. I've been to two live baseball games since then. One of them I played the anthem at with the Navy. And the other was for one of Cynthia's grandsons. Eric took me to a Blazers game too in 2001. That's my involvement with sports since high school.

I'm just kinda all math and engineering. Music is pretty mathematical. I do understand games and all, but I prepare quite literally to go to space. Up there it's mostly you against the machines and the elements. I can only assume it is 100% serious up there. I'd be fighting to stay alive and of course have fun! Perhaps this is all just a show around all that.

It could be lift off is on July 4^th 2026 just like the SOAP opera box that I have with the nice greasy type soap that I use says on it. SOAP in programming, I forget what it stood for, but we were using and XML based send/receive back in the day with the SVN Subversion protocol. Before everything went to GIT and AJAX. However the connection is done is a little less my deal. The protocol itself is a huge deal to me! The difference between XML and JSON. You know, trust me, I'm a master at all that and can write my own protocols too.

So, well, uh, how to do this....

I don't want to just list a big block of code here, but I want you to see first hand what is going on with me and these "sports" people as I am labeling them. This code I wrote in 2 different languages the other day. I'm trying to draw a random triangle and then draw a circle using each of those triangle sides as the radius of a circle. It's that basic. I'm sitting here thinking right now "Does it matter which side you draw the circle on for each radius?" It gets a little confusing and I do a lot of things. You would have to. I could draw it out on paper! I could download Adobe Flash and use their IDE. I could write a program to do that if I could get this code to work! So it's a chicken and egg on that level. On those other levels, it's me (or us) against them. I could write it out on paper again and I do have paper here. That really isn't the point of the exercise. I'm sure you know I can do this.

But I want you to see the code and you can simply right click on this page and click Show Source and you'll see the javascript function at the top of it. I'll put it in a small text area right here and you can drag the right corner of it most likely to expand it.

function drawDot(ctx, x, y, radius, color){ ctx.beginPath(); ctx.strokeStyle = color; ctx.arc(x, y, radius, 0, 2 * Math.PI, false); ctx.fillStyle = '#f00'; ctx.fill(); ctx.lineWidth = 1; ctx.strokeStyle = "#f00"; ctx.stroke(); } function drawLine(ctx, x1, y1, x2, y2, color) { // this isn't working // not my style! // lets just have one draw function //return; // find c var xDiff = x2 - x1; var yDiff = y2 - y1; var xx1 = x1; var yy1 = y1; var xx2 = x2; var yy2 = y2; // polarity? this is kind of odd, but you know, most people do not draw lines dot by dot these days // and we want it to be pixel perfect, not sure we'll get there this first pass // but we may, we'll try to make xx1 less than xx2 or we'll flip the two, so that is what this polarity? is about var xPolarity = 1; if(xx2 < xx1) { var tempX2 = xx1; xx1 = xx2; xx2 = tempX2; xPolarity = -1; } var yPolarity = 1; if(yy2 < yy1) { var tempY2 = yy1; yy1 = yy2; yy2 = tempY2; yPolarity = -1; } if(xDiff < 0) { xDiff = -1 * xDiff; } if(yDiff < 0) { yDiff = -1 * yDiff;// we could use Math.abs() but it scared me last week and I'm afraid to use it //yDiff = Math.abs(yDiff); } // c side of the triangle, the tangent var c = Math.sqrt(Math.pow(x2 -x1, 2) + Math.pow(y2 - y1, 2)); //alert("hit"); var x = 0; var y = 0; for(var a = 0; a < c; a++) { x = xx1 + (xPolarity * (Math.round((a / c) * xDiff))); y = yy1 + (yPolarity * (Math.round((a / c) * yDiff))); drawDot(ctx, x, y, 1, color); //alert(x + " : " + y); } return; // Start a new Path ctx.beginPath(); ctx.strokeStyle = "#f00"; ctx.lineWidth = 1; ctx.lineHeight = 1; ctx.moveTo(x1, y1); ctx.lineTo(x2, y2); // Draw the Path ctx.stroke(); } function drawTrianglesCircles(canvasId) { var canvas = document.getElementById(canvasId); canvas.width = window.innerWidth; canvas.height = window.innerHeight; var ctx = canvas.getContext('2d'); ctx.clearRect(0, 0, canvas.width, canvas.height); var rect = canvas.getBoundingClientRect(); var xN = rect.width / 2; var yN = rect.height / 2; var randomW = Math.round(Math.random() * xN);// half the width we'll take the center and then subtract half of this to get something in range here, could mutiply xN in the equation to increase or decrease intelligently var randomH = Math.round(Math.random() * yN);// should I look up this syntax before testing? This was the as3 way and likely the js way too. // make points var x1 = Math.round(Math.random() * randomW); var y1 = Math.round(Math.random() * randomH); var x2 = Math.round(Math.random() * randomW); var y2 = Math.round(Math.random() * randomH); var x3 = Math.round(Math.random() * randomW); var y3 = Math.round(Math.random() * randomH); // draw drawDot(ctx, x1, y1, 1, "#f00"); drawDot(ctx, x2, y2, 1, "#f00"); drawDot(ctx, x3, y3, 1, "#f00"); // ok finally success!! // happy spring equinox 2025! enjoying the day yet? // connect the dotz // conveniently we still have the x1/y1 bit //drawLine(ctx, x1, y1, x2, y2, "#06f"); //drawLine(ctx, x1, y1, x3, y3, "#06f"); //drawLine(ctx, x3, y3, x2, y2, "#06f"); }

So, I did the drawLine or lineTo function. You do a moveTo(x, y) and then a lineTo(x, y) typically. I started doing stuff like this in 2002 and made a career out of it. It's not simply that I'm stressed out. It does appear to be people, likely my neighbors but who knows, messing with my code in real time. We've been doing this silly stuff for a few months. Why? Just stress training I assume. Or some show of human vs machine or a love thing. I've certainly got lots of love and romance, so that, well, I'm simply not like them on some levels. Or at least my job and role in this is radically different from theirs. Some people will have different takeaways from this than I will. On many levels, I'm simply preparing for the presidency and Mars and if that doesn't happen or I lose hope in those things, then well, my life may be over spiritually or whatever. I'll continue to work if I have any say about it! It's not like I'm switching to verternarian hospital at age 54. I'm committed to these career paths and having a wonderful lady to go to Mars with, or Delecina, or Collie. Esperanza most certainly for a Mars trip, but not on Earth. I've had enough forced relationships on Earth. Yes, I can do that again, but I won't. You take your chance with a new relationship of course and I am transgender enough to have an amazing relationship as the Grandmother of Fusion with a wonderful man on Earth. In space it's a little different. That's super romantic up there! Not sure what it is all about at all. And that brings up the whole "humilation" side of it. And the concept of sin or whatever. You know, we have this stuff down here and I'm just freaking amazing and it's been a wonderful life and all that jazz! In the right key or wrong key or same key over and over. Whatever gets my muse on is what I got with! ->>>

2025-03-22    19:24:20 PM

It's like, yes, I'm being triggered here to be hyper awesome. You could think that it is all just some drug or stress trick.

But normally I just groove on getting happy on my own with something like "Yes! I always wanted to do that and it finally works!" Like learning an old song from a favorite musician. Or listening to one of my old recordings and playing a nice new line over it! Building some stairs! I finally got to build some stairs!

I am extremely self motivated like that. Sometimes I don't want to go out and interact because I'm afraid of the let down of it. Do people want me to be happy on my website or frustrated out on the town? After so many years, is it even possible for me to be happy out there? What would we do? Should I brink my whistle with me? Should we haul gear for an audience of 30? 300? 3,000? 30,000? 300,000? 3,000,000? 30,000,000? 300,000,000? 3.0E7? or whatever that is that tells you how many more zeros to tack on? I just read my math on the book report page! LOL, it was a good read though. Should we make some corrections? 30,000 miles/hour? x24 = 720,000 miles/day, right? x100 days = two more zeros, right? 72,000,000. 72 million miles. Could be, right? 100 days? 6 months is 180 days. so maybe just 15,000 miles/hour. Let's even cut the distance in half. 72,000,000 / 2 = 36,000,000. 36 million miles at 7,000 miles an hour. That's a number we can round down to 6,000 for the sake of argument and then divide by 60 minutes. That comes to 100 miles a minute, right? Since we rounded down last time, let's round up to 120 miles a minute and then divide by 60 seconds. Thats 2 miles a second. How far is 2 miles? That is how much the main loop I WALK in my neighborhood in 45 minutes.

It's much more managable number like that, right? 2 miles a second. Did I make an error? If Mars is 33 million miles away, you would have to go 2 miles a second for 180 days.

Let's make sure. I often count on my fingers when I do math on the computer. I like to be correct, really I do.

2 miles a second
2 x 60 = 120 miles a minute
120 x 60 = 7,200 miles an hour
7,200 x 24 = 172,800 miles a day
172,800 x 180 = 31,104,000 miles in 180 days (6 months)

Don't get paranoid. Perhaps when you tried to sing that pitch, you were closer than you thought you were.

2025-03-22    19:04:18 PM

....you know,
we're in the world representative business

2025-03-22    15:24:13 PM

Someone to talk to/with? It's not that complicated, right? Just like this....

2025-03-22    15:09:50 PM

Look, this is all crazy, there is precidence for this. I don't know what will happen, but my life is well rehearsed with strong pointers from many sources for the decisions I make. On some level, I don't believe I am making any decisions at all. The world wants this to happen obviously! It's like I am Luke Skywalker on that main ad for the original Star Wars with the lightsaber at the top and Pricess Leia clinging to me. This doesn't appear to be a delusion though and how many times have I played the role of Princess Leia in this! I love doing that! I even have one larger nostril than the other. Lately I've been like "Is this a space thing? Like a breathing thing just inside my nostril with some extra room for air to get out?" Not sure, but that is a physical characteristic of mine and a proper application.



There are so many layers to this. A sendoff. A moment of full surrender or as close as we can get to it. Up there in a space craft there is no help from others than a phone call and what we have with us. I assume they have trained me in a way to do this. I have the skills. Being able to keep it together mentally. I've been preparing for the psychology of being the only one who leaves the planet permanently since 2003. I know what I'm doing like that.

A partner to go with? I'm a grounded person and simply someone to be next to me to experience this moment with would be massive. Going? Well, I'm nervous of being decepted. The trust of whoever comes to take me or us to the launch site. It would be weird if there were not like at least a dozen Saturn V like rockets all in the one place. Do I have an ego? Am I dreaming? If we are doing it, that is it. Put us or me right in the rocket in the middle most likely. The first one to go up with the others like one minute behind like a box of Saturn V fire crackers.

Q: What's it like sleeping on an aircraft carrier for?

I was in Santiago and we did a commissioning. A brand new metal box with no windows in the middle of the ship. Room for 2. Take the plastic off the pillow case. Wake up, the hum of the ship, walk to the galley. The open side on the long side of the ship looking in on the cafeteria. On the destroyer going into the normal crew's quarters, the scene was more like that 1979 Battlestar Galactica quarters for the pilots. The way the bunks were arranged. The metal. The low light with the red. Cold showers with a button you press that gives you 5 seconds of water.

I've never been on a helicopter, but my experience with aircraft is extensive. Walking past the jet engines. Going in the belly of the plane and chucking instruments back there. Attatching the strap net to keep it all from falling in on the hatch during flight. I've been on 3 plane flights since 1998. Want to hear about life in cars and on the streets? Kinda rough conditions on a flying metal box?

2025-03-22    14:21:25 PM

OK, one more thought here....

Q: Was this transgender movement part of Rachel Lydia Rand [ m o t h ]'s presidential and space mission or were they all just like her as some kind of social bad example?

Is there real world logic in my going to another planet, even the moon? If we could do it, we would, right? Even if it were just for show, right? Look around at all this stuff we make, what is going to another planet if we are already doing all this other stuff, right? And it may even be a thing of most of the parts for the mission would just be sitting on the ground rotting because they are a byproduct of all this other stuff we make, right?

Or am I just a joke? That's the mothparadox situation and you can also get to my site with www.moth8.com. It's weird freaky stuff and yes, you can call me whatever you want, but I'd love to have someone next to me who I can accept socially and I know that is not my neighbors. I mean, I could accept them, but I'm like a little scared deer in this and I just want to be with a young woman who is kinda on my level that way. My neighbors obviously can push me around like a little twig and it's scarey stuff for me. Kinda the king has no clothing idea.


There is massive love from them at the same time, so that just makes it all that more weird and scary.

2025-03-22    14:11:20 PM

Getting up from a nap to weird pressure from neighbors. Most likely a musician/sports type family community. Triggers like "loser", "goober", "grow up". Things of that nature.

I have no sporting aspect. There is the idea of President Trump with his right thumb and how I use my right thumb to slap the bass and the click in my right thumb from the bicycling accident when I was taking out the trash from the band room after cleaning the "head"/restroom in 1994 on my bicycle. I had the large black trash bag in my right hand and grabbed the handlebar and had my thumb bent and then went off the curb in the alley of the building and when my front wheel hit the ground, my thumb jammed into it and it's clicked ever since. And now I believe that Sting communicates with me in some odd fashion (no click this time), when I bend my thumb to release the pressure. It seems like everything in my neighborhood is timed to the thoughts in my brain (or the other way around). Dogs barking to the second to my thoughts and never just randomly. Birds too. Everything. Car traffic. It even seems like weather patterns too.

It's freaky stuff you would likely do to a presidential candidate. Or esspecially someone you would send to Mars. Am I just some odd TV show? Survivor? I don't have a clue. I've never seen a typical "reality show". Seriously. TV politics? I don't have a clue. Don't watch it. I saw 24, essentially the whole series. Before that the most significant was Friends, but I really only saw about 5 episodes. That's how much TV I've seen folks. Same with social media. A couple message boards in 2001 and 2023 and a few this year. I used to read the USA Today on my tablet. Obviously I do some internet research too. Essentially since the internet "came out". And you wonder why I came out? Hey, we all came out in the beginning. Some things I don't remember too well!

It's mainly, or manly, the food problem. Careful food planning to poison my food at just the right times has me worried and walking on egg shells. It's not poisoned enough to do major things to my health as far as I can tell, but wow, it has been happening consistently over the last 2 years and fighting it is a real problem that wears me down. Why are they doing this?

And the conclusion I keep coming to is that it is excellent Mars training.

Or they are doing some sport/movie thing with me. My life has been so incredible that it really doesn't matter in the big scope of things to my personal life. How could it? Going to Mars? Really trained and conditioned over 50+ years to do that? I believe these people know what they are doing and well, I'm playing my part but it is not easy. They could be in it to just shoot off my legs like Rocky Racoon! Did I actually cause the Pandemic? Was it my idea?

I suppose it could have been.

Was it my idea that we have cell phones? I suppose it could have been because I "bought" into it in the 1990's. I'm just kinda a big character like that.

Is that real?

Does my neighbor family of 3 want me to play music with them? Go on tour? Break down and say "...."? I don't know what to say personally to anyone really. Am I....

Well, I can just go on and on. I really don't know hence the whole battle and surrender. Passive agressive they call it. It keeps on coming down to what to eat. (mysterious silence all the sudden)

Let's just send an 18 piece band to Mars. Presidential order. We don't want some solo music masterbation show in space. That wouldn't be PC.

2025-03-22    11:36:51 AM

They mysteriously banned me from the asktransgender subreddit last night. I employed my don't get paranoid tactic and fed myself the delusion that they would rather I post on my website today. I get a lot of entertainment from going to my reddit profile www.reddit.com/user/for1114 and going through my list of comments. It seems like I have an insanely high batting average on that!

2025-03-22    11:32:54 AM

2025-03-22    11:19:20 AM

2025-03-22    11:05:52 AM

I often tell myself don't get paranoid. If you step out of the fear of it all, then there may be a lesson to learn that could be a good tool or way of life in the future.


Let's think scientifically about a space mission for a moment.

Pressure, right? It's just tubes like my tubespace slinky thing I had going on in 2003. There is a fairly large craft. Something like the space shuttle or rather a command module connected to an ET external tank like that one the space shuttle sits on top of. It's out in space and you are just in a command module. Just the two of us.

We connect to it. A computer docking event. We open the hatch and then the air comes rushing in. It's all Earth pressure and composition. There is no gravity obviously, so we are kinda in a spacy state of mind. I've taken some medication in 2002 that produces that effect. It's weird but not really a show stopper. More concerning is digestion. Maybe we live on love? Excitement?! Movies and popcorn? Funky bass lines? I'm sure they have thought of this.

So, then we are there breathing the air. The air is getting dirty. Hopefully they have some rotating thingy so we can get some relief from the weightlessness. We do some excercises like pushing off of eachother and pulling back in. Or on a metal wall. You wouldn't want to just float out into nothing because getting stuck out there without touching anything could be an infinity loop not good. But thankfully God had that figured out too (he/they/she is really spacey like that) so you can only launch these somewhat big but not too big metal tubes up there.

There are some new clothes so laundry isn't a big deal. We munch on what they have. The air gets dirty and we get in a bad mood for some reason. Auto tells us to depart and we head back in whatever direction it tells us. We get in the little airlock device and it does it's weird thing then into the command module. DEPART! Outta here!~

Then drift back to the next one or rather give ourselves a little thrust like in Apollo 13 or that Herbie Hancock album that Jane likes to make fun of! Hey, it was in my collection! I never got Future Shock!

That's about it, right? From the astronaut role at least. If there is an emergency, then well, will my little math and button/string pressing skills come in handy? It's not like I don't have control over my environment. I'm a fucking task master like that. Delcina apparently has better mechanical skills. Could be two transwomen connected by such slender threads. I don't know.

How did I get into this gig? How did you get into your gig in life? I really don't know. Is this real? Isreal? Is.real? This isn't 1952. That was 73 years ago. Just ask a 73yo.

(They, my neighbors, are just driving this point home here. Don't get paranoid. They use the word "goober". It's a trigger and a word with meaning. I pull the meaning structure+fluid from it among other things. It's kind of a medium inbetween.):

Q: What is more important in space, computer skills or mechanical skills?

It's a hard question to answer. Nothing gets done without a computer up there, right? Mechanical docking? Joysticks for every move? Down to the 100 microseconds? For a docking manuever or cutting a tomato? Communications? Typing skills? Finger strength? Voice activated? Sound gravity? Push and pull. Pull weight? Up or Down? Side to Side? What is up and down? The top side of the solar system? Planets in a plane? Do they even exist?

Music in space? Well, basketball? Ice hockey? Watching my 401K? Video call with 2 minute delay? Voice activated video call? No movement? Enjoy not moving? I enjoy moving, right? Well, not to Kansas!

2025-03-22    09:48:01 AM

Q: Does 4 go to Mars?
Q: Is the grandmother of fusion retired?
Q: Does U111 still play bass?

2025-03-22    09:40:02 AM

There is the concept that I'm simply in a place called death row records. Produce a hit song with lyrics or die.

It could be, but wow, my life is intense with history. I've been fighting this concept for the whole 6 months I've been here and I have had some things happen that have certainly decreased my lifespan. I am totally insane on some levels. It seems reasonable that if they were to send me or us to Mars, I'd have to deal with death in some kind of not going to last more than a few more years type of thing. They would likely send stuff up there every two years. Yes, there is enough up there to last 2 years. If things are going well, they send the next batch, right?

I'm sure 4 is just supposed to make some hit song. We're not going till 2030's right? 2040's? 2050's? Life at the end of the century in the city that has the most rain in the US?

I've seen a lot of people without arms and legs. Hard to fake that, right? Are they war victims? Not sure. I've even seen 4-20. On the bus. At the back of the bus. Just sitting in the middle of the back seat without arms or legs. 4 limbs, 5 members on each limb. Hey, I feel like Sting controls the click in my thumb! Maybe I'll be 4-19.5 and just lose part of a thumb?

Who knows why? It seems like a big deal and I'm grateful to be alive with such great skills and have some insane idea of going to Mars with a lovely young lady today. I can only image what others are thinking. Everything points to it. You could argue that I need more muscle mass. That's about my only negative and it may actually be perfect. They'd certainly train others like me. I almost lost my life several times. I'm still here feeling amazing! Another thumb click on that one!

2025-03-22    08:52:35 AM

Am I going to take my boobs with me to Mars? I want something to hold.

What if I die first. Will you still know how to survive as the last person to die on another planet? Is that too stressful? Do you have other options? Some better life goal? Am I working up the nerve to go? Why me? Watching movies? Inserting the disc into R2? Wall-e and the vhs tape?

2025-03-22    08:19:09 AM

People employ different tactics to get things. If you have something desirable, you are an attraction.

If you are a food item at a store, you're likely just sitting there.

Cultivation, scavenge, hunting.

My human tactics are mostly music engineering (cultivation). I'll resort to scavenge before hunting I suppose. Hunting is probably like engineering planning on some level.

I hunted down a construction job position. I adopted the philosophical muse of the concept adopted. I went about my day and saw a sexy shirt, so I adopted that style. May be a better style for me than others.

I hunted down a sexy pair of short heels with the dainty ankle strap.

I couldn't find them.

I considered a wedge heel, but was unsure.

I then employed a continuing resolution to continue hunting dainty ankle strap 2.5" heel sandals.


Q: Does 4 go to Mars?
Q: Is the grandmother of fusion retired?
Q: Does U111 still play bass?

2025-03-22    07:36:15 AM

I'm human.

It's all crazy. My best idea is for someone to take a chance on me. You know, come up to me on the street. Just start following me or something. I may reject you, but you know, then back to my place. We just kind of sit together wondering what they are going to do. I'm scared. This is weird. I just want to get back to a more normal work thing.

Then again.... I'm having fun, but that is the drive. Alone? Yeah, that works too! Should I just give up on the idea that I need money? My bank card stopped working and they say I have $6. $4 in my presidential account even though I closed it.

2025-03-22    07:30:28 AM

Q: Would 4 really leave all her stuff and just start walking with her backpack and some paper? Would she even taker her computer wid her? And the mark of the unicorn? Does she eat corndogs now? The frozen 1's? What about taylin? Or who is this new girl she saw when she had her bicycle at the top of the stairs? Does she think she finally found a proper partner for the Mars mission? Is it just a fantasy? How many centuries looking up at the stars wondering if possible? Go to moon adventure? Systems test 1 2 3? Again? Make sure no leak? Again? Take chances? Out of comfort zone?

She says out of comfort zone and work suffers. Crank out code or candy bars on the line. Nails down the board on the wall. Help to lift the rafter please. Now laundry? Wash the towels, just one of each, with last $10? That important?

2025-03-22    07:24:12 AM

Q: What would 4 take to space?

2025-03-22    07:16:45 AM

Q: Does 4 go to Mars?
Q: Is the grandmother of fusion retired?
Q: Does U111 still play bass?

2025-03-22    04:09:06 AM

It's probably a huge comedy, but wow, it feels like a cultural war on my end folks. And it's not just this transgender issue. The transgender thing is important to me, but it's mostly this music thing I suppose.

This is the main recording that my musical style is based on:
One of Another Kind


And there is also this one:
Paoli's Vision


And this one:
Miss U

My best music is on my front page, so I won't list that again. I'm kind of in electronic music hell here folks. I feel enormous pressure to ditch all my electronics. It produces just tons of hate in me. Are we really going to turn off the electricity or something? Or is it simply a cultural war?

2025-03-22    02:49:29 AM

I mean, I'm a straight shooter. I don't play games with people. Engineering is hard enough when you are completely innocent and honest. So is space travel. It must just be odd stress training down here.

2025-03-22    02:43:18 AM

I suspect that one of the problems with space travel is that you need one type of body to escape Earth and then a different type of body once you are up there.

2025-03-22    02:40:08 AM

Women in space? If you believe that it is possible, it's probably because we created some rotating device that helps with digestion. It's likely some rotating thing in the center of the spacecraft. Something you stand on, or rather click into with biking shoes. This is my first time writing that down and it's a fairly new theory of mine.

It's just that I have been doing these shoulder stands and bicycling and they both have given me a pronounced adam's apple that allows me to swallow hard and keep things down. I have not vomitted since the 90's despite going on 3 years of spiro hormone use. You know, I'm for and I coded a coil like device on the streets without electronic devices.

I guess I'm going to put this out there....

I feel this odd sexual pressure from people. It's like, yes, at my core I'm a family person, but I'm 54yo and if I'm not going to space, I'm not going to be roped into having a family down here. I like sex and all, I mean, I didn't start HRT because I don't like performing sex as a male. It's incredible! On both sides obviously. But it is also obvious that people have children from having sex. I mean, you could do a little experiment to find out.

I have $120 and claimed SSD which I consider a well deserved retirement so I can get back to work without this worry stress of finances. If I have sex, even with a condom, and someone claims I got her pregnant, then what will happen? I'll either be forced into working for someone else or I'll be forcing her to be in my retired status of being completely dependent on the government, essentially the whole of society, for 100% of our money and lives.

My work is dang important to me. It's like sure, things may be different if I got a million book sales all the sudden. It could happen. In fact I have no idea why it hasn't. That's part of the weird thing about being a presidential candidate and Mars candidate.

And in any case, even if I were to start a relationship, we'd go through a getting to know each other phase. Being with me is a little odd and you may find it hard to believe, but I'm pretty dang frightened by everything. I've been forced into "chasing women for financial stability". Runnning for president like this 20 hour work days without any money or support. It's grueling work! I'm a fucking task master so I love it of course, but wow. I could use someone by my side. I'm likely completely desocialized on some level.

It's OK, I'll get through this. I'll either be a presidential figure on Earth, on some rocket shit to Mars or society will completely cut me off and I'll be a simple zen guru on the streets. I hope it doesn't come to the streets thing again. I suspect that is all a fake thing anyway, but, well, it's just dang weird! Weird is good and all. So we're just getting through this day again, right?

....

2025-03-20    06:21:32 AM

2025-03-20    06:04:14 AM

Good morning! I do live a presidential type schedule. (trying to not be negative and put the slow funny spin on it again) Been working on this presidential stuff massively since 2003. I don't know how much sitting in congress real world get to know the people stuff the other's do. I figured I'd work as hard as I could and be at the ready for the rest of my life since 2003, so that is what I call "stepping into the shoes".

So, president fake Ms Rand South Africa money person has a money topic for y'all this morning! :-)

I'd say the majority of people out there live on a fixed income. Let's list out the different forms of it:

1. FTE (Full Time Employment): Let's face it, whether you are a union member, coorporate job, working for a construction company, get a receptionist gig at dentist, you have a regular paycheck in exchange for daily, usually 40 hours a week employment. You work with that and if you have enough, most of those people have a family and live relatively nice lives. Perhaps they have different systems in China and those places, but everywhere I've been in the 4 continents that I played music on before I was 30yo had fairly normal housing structures, cars and people like the city I live in.

2. Accumulated Weath: These are your trust fund people I suppose. Family wealth or perhaps you made millions in your first 30 years of life and what you did for that isn't possible anymore. Perhaps you invested or won the lottery? You likely invest more when you are in this situation which supposedly creates the debt drag on society which can be seen as a retirement system of sorts. Or you could look at it as theft if you didn't do some super star thing early on. Even if you got money from you parents, it would be considered theft unless you were just dang humble about it. Or something like that. I feel like I've done some crazy famous work activity or my family was ultrafamous and never told me. How many of you grew up with your parents and brother for 18 years and never heard any music played? Even in the car? We even ran a wire from the TV speaker in the 70's to mute the commercials on TV.

3. Social Security (benefits): However you got here, this is a fixed income too. Depending on how you got here and when in life will determine how much you get out of it. There is that thing with the 40 work credit years. I forget the statistics, but you earn like 4 credits a year if you submit your taxes and pay them and with 10 years of non-poverty income, if you need to collect this, you'll get the SSD or Retirement amount instead of the SSI amount. I applied for SSD and got it in 2006 as part of my presidential training as far as I understand. I wasn't even on it a year and called them. "I don't need this SSD money anymore. I'm working full time finally as a software developer." And then after another 7 years I fell off the medicare rolls too. Without that, I would understand a lot less about the system. And of course those years of living on $5/day or less had me get in touch with extreme poverty. You gotta know these systems intimately to do this president gig. OR EVEN BE IN THE RACE. What do you think this job is?

4. Business Owner: I opened my business Dot Trombone LLC on 12-12-2011. Or some cool number like that :-) Since then, I've missed two bill payments (not including my 7 years bad luck event for that training). They were the two missed payments before I sold my house last summer. Two mortgage payments. What can I say? I thought my credit score would take a hit, but wow! It dropped from 767 to the low 500's. Is that fair? I won't get into the details. With all that walking on the roads without shoes and even back to Portland from Billings Montana after that, these Earthlings do have a level of fun and compassion! How did you earn your 850 credit score? "Oh, I coded my own software and developed some OCD skills with cleaning and tracking my finances. I figured it was a good business skill."

Am I leaving anybody out? My 4^th book isn't selling either. Are they waiting for me to finish up this software so I can make a decent cover with my sexy look? I'm dedicating today to the task. I could download Adobe trial or use some web widget thing. How many times have I coded created this? Well, let's just say that I am an excessive worker and fairly good if you listen to all that original music on my site. My stack of original paper work is well over a foot tall. Probably maybe even over 2 foot tall. Actually, yes, in my lifetime, I've written quite a tall stack of music, software, books. Not even considering all the internet writting I've done. It's a stack much taller than me if you were to put that on paper and I mostly did not make any money off of it. And a good deal of it was quite complex. I'm a dj, I play the radio. LOL Ms Rand (Rachel)

Rachel Lydia Rand - Melodic Jazz Transcriptions (1992)

2025-03-09    11:51:11 AM

It's like, my life story has become a comedy to me. There is a lot of humor in it and I've certainly been putting that spin on it lately. But are we done with that now? Can I have some kind of sane life again where I can do my computer, music and writing thing? I'm having a lot of joy here coding and playing music. I'm going to code this reverse post order button again.

2025-03-09    11:28:28 AM

This is a common thought of mine: "If people enjoy making fun of me or whatever this is, then I understand that because I like to have fun too. I would never do this to other people. My idea of fun is certainly different. But I do understand fun."

2025-03-09    11:22:30 AM

I'm just in tears here again. The idea now "It's OK Rand, just do your work."

2025-03-09    10:50:00 AM

Games. Solitaire and arcade games. Actually a lot of games do not have a human opponent. Twirling a stick usually does not have a human opponent.

2025-03-08    13:22:15 PM